Realizations at 4am

Realized there’s definitely a difference between what you really want and what you plan. Not like what I plan isn’t what I want. It’s what I want but not as much as what I really want. It’s more of like, I want this coz this is where I should be at this certain point of my life. This is what I should already be. Something like that.

I mean, I guess both would make me happy either way. But later on I’d probably ask myself, “What if?” What if I took a chance on what I really want? Cos then eventually after going after it, it’s either things would turn out differently and better, or things would go exactly as I envisioned it to be and way even better.

I know deep down it’s worth it. But I’m just probably scared if I am worth all of it. And all the things and moments I’ll miss, and what will happen to the people I care about the most if I go for it. Mostly that. Just partly of what will happen to me.
Is this really calling for me?

If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time.
-Habbakuk 2:3, The Message 

You hold my world

You hold my world in Your hands and I am amazed by Your love, I amazed that You love me. You hold my world in Your hands, I’m not afraid my world is safe in Your hands. (You Hold My World)

Wherever You will take me Lord. Time and again Your plans have been perfect. I don’t wanna rely on my own choices anymore just because it’s what I want but I want Your will to be done because I know it’s perfectly what I need.

I may not understand nor I may not exactly know the answers yet.. But as with every season, it will be revealed to me. And I trust my life with You more than anything.

By that time I will be ready.. Because You’ve been preparing me all this time. You have always put dreams in my heart. And when that time comes, I will understand.

I will always be surprised and amazed by the wonderful things You have been doing and unfolding in front of my eyes.

Committing myself and my life to You had been very scary at first.. But it’s the best thing I ever did. And if I could do it all over again, I’d still choose the same.

Thank You Lord for Your love and grace. Thank You Lord because You never gave up reaching out to me when I was lost.. Thank You for never giving up on me. Else I would’ve given up on myself and I won’t get to know about You and Your wondrous love. <3

You never really know

Funny how you read old blog posts of 3 years ago and 3 years later, everything just changed like bam! Something you were just wishing for, but a year later it's all reality.

Happens all the time to me.

3 years ago I was-- worried about everything; messed up; didn't know what to do; unhappiness more than happiness; and all those things. A year later than that, everything was just all bam! Coming neatly and put into place. A year later than that again, everything was all I ever asked for 3 years ago.

There were things that I planned but didn't push through. There were things I imagined of what I should be doing but it's not what I did and what I'm doing. There were things I never even thought would happen but happened. Things just came and went differently, but I couldn't have been more thankful that it did.

Life surprises me all the time. You never really know where life could/would take you. :]

Whatever your plans are, God always has better plans.

God creates the most unexpected, surprising, and beautiful stories out of our lives. Everything is in His time.

Revived

Oh hai there! :)

I guess I left my blog in a negative note. Most of my previous posts were really negative. Always talking about problems and stuff. But all those are over and done with. It's not helping and being negative will never help at all! You may think it's probably because school's over and I have nothing to really stress about these days hence the positivity. Well yeah, that's one thing. But this summer is really the life-changing summer I ever had.

I am growing.

Personal growth. Financial growth. Spiritual growth.

All there.

Breakthrough for this year. :)

I have learned a lot about life in general. Everyday, I learn a LOT more than the learning I get in school. And I'm really thankful for that. For the first few months of this year, I was surrounded by negativity. I was so emotionally, physically, mentally drained. Plus myself being negative wasn't helping at all. It was just all a mess for me. But all is over and done, past is past.

Now, everything changed. My mindset, my purposes, my goals, my relationships with family, with God, and just about everything. I'm happy that I'm this one step closer to my dreams. I got the seed and I gotta sow it. Sow the seed of your dream. Like I've read from Bo Sanchez's blogs. It's during this time that I see my future clearer now that little by little I try to think about what I really really want. Law of attraction. I always knew that I'm the kind of person who dream BIG a lot. I wanted a lot of things. I want to travel the world and go places. I wanna study again! Academy of Art University anyone? University of the Arts London? I wanna see Aurora Borealis! I wanna help people. I wanna be completely happy. I wanna buy my OWN car, own laptop, iPod, DSLR, smartphone using my OWN money. I wanna buy the things I want using my own money and working hard for it and not depending on my parents to give it to me. I was never that kind of person who depends everything to her parents. I was never too spoiled. I told myself, I'm gonna study and concentrate on my craft so when I graduate, I get a good-paying job that I love to do and so I can have those things. I still will. I still want to prove something to people and to myself. Art is what I generally live for and it will always be my first love.

But you know what they say, when there's opportunity you gotta grab it. And I did. We did. What I'm also really really glad about is me and my brothers are closer than ever. It's really good to see the whole family working together. And I've met new wonderful people whom I learn a lot from.

Some Most people would actually think this seed is easy to sow. It's not. At first I thought it was, seeing it from the outside. But it's really different when it's you playing the game than just being in the audience watching. Most people would actually think negatively of this seed. But you know, I don't care anymore. They're not the ones who are gonna feed me when I'm hungry anyway. This is real hard work.

And what really warms my heart is that we're closer to God more than EVER. All these challenges are just challenges. Trials we gotta walk ABOVE on. We gotta press on when it's turning us down. And I'm not pressing on all by myself because my whole family's behind me helping me press on through the challenges of life.

You know just a few weeks after school ended, it feels like I'm the same old but brand new person. It's a different feeling. And my mindset has changed.. in a good way and also which I think everyone must have. Positivity.

Hear the sunshine. See the sunshine.

By the way, last Sunday I attended the morning and evening service of Cornerstone Church in Bulacan and boy, really, I am revived. We're Catholics but my brothers always attend their service because we serve their sound system. I've always wanted to go with them then especially during those times I was sooo down and negative. But I don't know, I wasn't able to not until last Sunday. I woke up early to go with them and their guest speaker was a 24-year-old Australian(Fil-Aus) Pastor, which was really good-looking btw haha. Before we went back home, Pastor Fred introduced us to him and he prayed over us. He doesn't know anything about us, just the basics, but coming from him he said before the year ends, we're going to be debt-free. And I was just wowza! That IS our goal. And we know we're on the right track. And here comes the evening service, I went again so as my parents. Oh boy, I cried. Really. My brother and I cried. My mom was holding back her tears. Lol. But you know, it felt really great. It's those times when I really feel His presence. I'm the type of person who doesn't want people seeing her cry but yes I did cry with my mom and dad beside me. Lol. What made me start crying was the video the pastor showed, there's this Australian.. oh okay, I found the video. I'm gonna show it to you guys. Hope it inspires you as it had inspired me.



And I love singing praise songs. They sang Hosanna during the morning service and that's one of my favorites!

Oh hai, God is so good. :)

"If I fail, I try again, and again, and again..."
-Nick Vujicic

Yes, what?

I wanna be great at what I'm doing but I'm not making the most out of what's given to me. Talents and time.

I can be great at what I do.

But I just don't believe in myself enough that I can be.

I have to change... in a lot of ways... to be a better person. Career-wise, academic-wise, and my mindset.

Now I'm getting frustrated.

I'm not any better than what I visioned to be.

Cram. Panic. Cram.

I lack motivation.

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And youll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But dont let anyone
Tear them away, hey yeah
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
Youll find the way

Diskarte lang.

Don't worry bro, even before I decided to go and push through with this, I know exactly what I'm doing and where I'm going.

We were on our way home, actually we were almost near home when my brother asked me about studies and all. If I'm learning something and such. Of course I said yes, which is the truth. He asked if I will be able to use everything I'm learning when I step into the real world and I said, "probably not all." I've heard that from my eldest brother then that I won't get to use everything I'll learn in school 'cos yeah most of the other things, we do learn by ourselves and like they say, "diskarte lang."

Then he said, "Tinuturuan ka ba nila pano kumita ng pera?" and I said, "Hindi." Diskarte na natin yun after we graduate e, di ba? He said, "Ako, graduate ako ng UP pero ano nakuha ko dun? Wala din. Dba? 6 years ako nag-aral. Kung alam ko lang na dito ako mapupunta sa business na 'to(which is a family business, sound system) edi sana ini-spend ko na lang yung 6 years kong yun para pag-aralan yung mga pinag-aaralan ko pa lang ngayon. If ever, 10 years na sana ako nags-soundsystem/set-up."

And he asked me, "Ikaw ba, kunwari sa December gagraduate ka na, after nun ano balak mong gawin?" And I couldn't answer him yet. He asked, "Di ba less than 2 years, graduate ka na. Sa ilang taon na inaral mo, pag grumaduate ka na pano mo mababayaran yung pinagpaaral sa'yo pag nagkatrabaho ka na?" Again, I couldn't answer 'cause I was thinking of the best way to answer him. He again asked, "After niyan ano bang trabaho ang gagawin mo?" Then finally I said, "Usually kasi pag samin graduate ka, napupunta ka sa mga advertising, or magiging graphic artist or web designer ng isang company." He asked, "Yung mga prof mo ba ganun lang din ginagawa nila? Magkano ang bayad sa ganun?" These are not all the exact words but the essence is there. And he asked a question or two until we finally reached the gate of our house. The conversation ended there.

You see, wanting to study in CSB and take up Multimedia Arts was not just something I decided impulsively or like in a spur of the moment. Just because I wanted it, I immediately told them that 'this is what I want... blah blah'. No. I was so torn because one, CSB is so very far from where I live. Second, the tuition is expensive added to that is the tri-semestral curriculum of the college. Third, my parents won't allow me to commute and so my brothers will be the one who will drive me to and fro school. Fourth, they wanted me in UST because it's nearer. I considered all these and everything else. What they would feel, what I would feel, the risks I'm going to take and of rejection and everything elseeee. I thought through everything before I went and said it to them. I was so emotional during that time. I thought things through because I wanted so badly to take up MMA and if they won't allow me to, I thought of things that would convince them. And if they won't allow me still, then okay. I'll stop. But fortunately, after I said it to my brothers then they said it to mom&dad, they thought things through too. I waited patiently and prayed to God that they'd finally come to their decision and realize that this is what I want and I know what I want.

My brothers and I are very different when it comes to the courses they took up in college. My two brothers took up Business Management and the other one took up BA History. They took it because well, Bus.Mgnt. since we have a family business and History, because my brother was late on enrollment and the course he wanted to take which was Music was I think in quota so he had no choice but to choose those that are non-quota. I, on the other hand, always knew that this was what I always wanted to do. And I see myself doing this, being a multimedia artist. I never pictured myself being in the family business and such. That's why I was so bummed when my dad told me to pick a course in UST, when I was in Academic Placement, that would be in line to our business. I unwillingly chose Commerce, which I got in to, and another was I.T., which I never really got the chance to see if I ever got in. I remember last year when my brother once said while we were eating, "Grabe si Cha 'tol no, tayo basta maka-graduate lang, siya alam niya talaga gusto niya." And I was proud of myself for knowing that I do know what I want to do.

I may not know what I would exactly do after I graduate but I know that it's related to anything multimedia.

Our society would always belittle those courses which is related to the arts department. Let's face it, they always do. And I feel that whenever my relatives or even family friends ask me what my course is and what I would do after. They'd just go, "Ahh." I know Multimedia Arts is new to the country and only few people know about this. But without us(I'm saying multimedia artists included are photographers, filmmakers, graphic artists, webdesigners, animators, illustrators, etc.), what would companies do? Who will advertise their product? How will they? Who would do commercials? Who would do movies? Who would take their photos and capture videos on film? Would there be a Pixar? Would there even be media? No, I don't think so. And they say you won't go anywhere when you're an artist unless you're a celebrity. I know some people belittle art courses, they think it's easy but in fact, it's not. We just love what we do that's why it doesn't look so hard. Well at least, for me. But then again, who cares if you don't get so rich? You love what you do, it makes you happy and it creates satisfaction to you, the end. Some people, though rich are not happy with their lives. What would I rather choose? I'd choose to live the life I'm happy in and the life I always imagined myself to be in. I won't ever choose a life, even a rich life, just because it was unwillingly forced into me.

Sure, I'm not getting a PhD or not a Biology, Chemistry, Law, or Accounting student but I've always wanted to prove to them that this isn't easy as it looks. It's hard to think of a good concept or make a realistic photo manipulation or do plates. I always wanted to prove to them that I can go somewhere and I will be successful someday. That I will be someone someday.

And I believe I can be.

Term break!

Okay. I dreamt today. It's rare that I actually remember what my dreams are that I think I never dream at all. Today, I had a lot of dreams.

First, my mom and I went out. Probably in a mall, I don't know what mall though. We went inside some kind of store or some place to hang out and I was just sitting there and there were like less than 10 people in there, including us. And they were speaking to each other. Then when the store's about to close, most of them went out already but my mom and I were still there with the store owner. And my mom was talking about me looking younger than 17. And it's weird cos I have full bangs in that dream, LMAO. Then the owner was kind of agreeing to what my mom said. Then my mom told her, "So hindi sila pwede nung lalake kanina? Yung katabi ko na 18-year-old?" I was like, WTF??!?! ROFLMAO!!!! That's not likely to happen in real life. HAHAHA. I actually noticed the guy my mom was talking about. And I thought, "Uy gwapo. Pero.." HAHAHHA. Then I just laughed and said, "ANO?!" Then there were more scenes but it's not that significant. Haha.

Second, I think it's the continuation of that dream. Only that, I was with Cerisse. Apparently, she was there with us too and I don't know why. Haha. We were talking and hanging out and she knows some guy there in the earlier setting of my dream. Apparently, the one beside the guy my mom was talking about. I think, as far as I could remember. Haha.

Third, this was entirely different. I dreamt of a friend. This time, we saw each other already. And they just arrived from the airport and went straight to eat. So it was a surprise that we were both there in the same restaurant. Weird cos his brother and him were with a dog, a shitzu(sp? haha) maybe. And I think they were looking for their table. I saw him roaming around before that but wasn't really sure if it was him. Then we were about to leave, or oh yea, we[the girls] were going to the restroom. Then they were walking near our table and BAM! We noticed each other and we both said together, "UY!" =)) Then the conversation went like this:

Me: Kelan ka pa nandito?
Siya: Kakarating lang namin.
Me: O? Hanggang kelan kayo?
Siya: Sa 30.
Me: September?
Siya: *nods*
Me: Ah.
*silence*

=)) And he was just looking at me and smiling and looking surprised. While I didn't know what to say or do and I got conscious and HAHAHHA, said "Sige una na ko. Alis na kami eh." Then there. LMAO =)) Then I think we got on MSN then asked numbers and said we should hang out and such. GAH. Just when... oh well.

Anyway, it's term break for me now! I'm still going to school on Monday to claim my course cards. I'd probably be there the whole day. My BASICOM prof emailed me and told me, along with Tring and Kevin, that she got our grades adjusted. My final grade was 1.5, I don't know what it is now. *crosses fingers* My HARTDS1(History of Art and Design) and DESPRIN(Principles of Design) grade was both 3.5. *dancing banana* I'm praying for my PHILIEN grade now. :| :| I hope I passss! At least all I'm worrying about now are my grades. No more stress from school work deadlines. But, I still have a lot to do in my term break.

I will update soon. Laterdaysss :D

The weak week.

WARNING: Long post ahead. :p

Okay so it's been almost one week since I updated my blog. WTH I can't believe it's already May 1! OHGOSH. May 21 pasok na namin!!! BAH. I should finish the things I need to do and want, as well. :p I need to go to school on days 14-17, whenever during that week for course adjustment. I don't wanna be underload! Grr. I want to watch DVDs which I haven't been able to buy yet and read books like Twilight. Yeaaa. I still have like 91 days to read all three books before the last book comes. Hahaha. I saw the movie behind the scenes and some fan-made trailers and it's all awesome. I'm getting excited though I haven't read the book yet. I mean, it's a romantic vampire story, who wouldn't want that? Everyone is like in love with Edward and Bella. Hahaha. Today's my brother's girlfriend birthday and yesterday we bought gifts for her. So I suggested my brother to give her a book. We were supposed to buy the new Nicholas Sparks book since she said she'll buy it, might as well give her the book. But it wasn't available in that National Bookstore branch. So we bought another book which is, Twilight. Wah, if I get my pay I'd surely splurge my money on books but still save something for erm, things I need in school later on.

Last week, I was having a hard time. It wasn't my week last week, I was just really sad. No, actually I wasn't. I was moody! Sobrang nakakainis kasi sobra yung mood swings. One minute I'm happy, then another I'm sad. I hated it. It got to the point where I cannot feel anything anymore. I cried because of that. I'd rather feel anything, even pain, than not feeling anything at all. I felt dead. But the next day which is Monday, I had this dream. Imma paste this from my Multiply.

I woke up earlier than what I expected, I thought it was already 11 am, but I looked at the clock and it was still quarter to 9am. So I turned on the PC, checked my myspace, friendster, facebook, multiply, mail and blog hopped. I DLed songs and..

My mom, someone else I don't know who and I were talking and suddenly, I couldn't speak. I tried so hard to speak but I couldn't. Tapos na-realize ko may nakabara sa throat ko so tinanggal ko. That was really weird. When I did, I started to bleed. Nagsusuka na ako ng dugo. Then I didn't know what to do. And my nose also started to bleed. I was helpless. I asked God for help, I prayed really hard. And I was thinking if I should go to the hospital already or what, but I thought it would end soon. But it didn't. All I can see is red blood. I thought I was dying! I called my friends using my phone and we went to see each other. I texted Jesy, she told me to go to FEU-NRMF then find her there. I said, "it's too late."

Then I woke up.

It's weird cos I rarely experience dreams in my sleep. When I woke up, I can still remember the feeling of not being able to speak. But I thank God that it was all just a dream. I was freaked out! I was really freaked out. It got me thinking through out the day even the meaning of it. I searched for a dream dictionary online since I don't know where our old dream dictionary is.


Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

Throat

It shows considerable powers of imagination and signifies a successful venture.

Nose

Instinctive knowledge. It reflects great powers of imagination and creativity, but also difficult relations with a partner.

Red

This is an indication of great passion and sensitivity in your emotional relationships.

Help

To dream that you are calling or signaling for help, suggests that you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, and/or inadequate.

Helpless

To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

Silence

To dream that you are silent, indicates an inability to express yourself. You may feel inhibited in voicing your opinion and how you really feel.

So that's it. Maybe that's what I'm feeling for the past week that I couldn't exactly explain what. What my dream meant was actually true in my reality.

So yeah, but I'm better now compared last week. Way way better. Going out helped a lot.

Speaking of going out, mom, dad, my brother and his girlfriend went to a Jap restaurant along Panay Avenue to eat last Tuesday. There, we talked about the past, how we got here, why we went here, and everything back then.

So now I know the real reason why we moved here to Manila from Cotabato.

I was born in Cotabato City but I am in Manila for like 11 years already. Almost half my life so basically, I grew up in Manila. Quezon City, specifically. I was 6 when we moved here. Before, I thought the reason why we moved here is bcos of my brothers who then has a band. They had an album and their song became a hit. So the recording company, which is Polycosmic Records then but Universal Records now, said they should come to Manila already. So we did. And they did TV guestings and all that. I was with them all the way. It was such a challenge moving here cos when we moved, we had no house at all! And our furnitures and all are still in the ship. LOL. That was around April 1999, a month after I graduated kindergarten.

Back in Cotabato, business was really good. Meron kaming video games store(all over Cotabato), movie rentals(back when vhs tapes and laser discs were very popular haha) store and an all-in-one bar, restaurant, club, videoke named after my name. LOL. Business was really doing well. Kami yung unang may ganun dun. Hindi pa tapos yung construction, pina-open na. Lots of artists went there like Manilyn Reynes, UMD Dancers, Streetboys, Yano, etc etc etc. I can't remember though cos I was still young. Nung in-open yun, sobrang dami raw ng tao. Naubusan pa ng food and beer. LOL. Tapos may mga G.R.O. pa daw, hahahaha! And they held contests there like dance contests, costume contest every Halloween and all that. Pinauso din dun yung Ladies Night which is every Wednesday, Ballroom night, and etcetera. Yung restaurant, sobrang okay yung food. I remember nakaakyat pa ako sa kitchen. Yung videoke, may 5 private videoke rooms and a big videoke room outside it. The 5 videoke rooms were all named after our Zodiac Signs: Aquarius, Capricorn, Gemini, Taurus, and Libra. Lahat yun nasa isang building. It's a big lot cos from what I remember, it's only one floor. Tumugtog din dun mga kuya ko. Then dad told us na nabilib yung manager ng isang band na nakasabay nila kuya and sinabi niya, "Grabe, malayo mararating nito." Tapos masayang-masaya sila after kasi may sweldo sila, 50 pesos! Pero mind you, malaki na yun nung time na yun.

Though business was really good, my parents had been receiving death threats even before the bar was opened. Three all in all. Two before the bar was opened, and another one when it was already opened.. I guess. Basta tatlo. They didn't mind it. Hindi sila nagbigay ng kung anong money kahit na pinagbantaan na ng kidnap and all those shits. 50k ang hinihingi nun. To think, malaki na yung ganung amount dati dba? The military said na wag magbigay. Yeah, we had military escorts. I was like, whoa! "Parang secret service, haha.". They showed the first two letter threats to the military and so ayun. Kinekwento ng mom ko na looking back, parang nakakahiya daw na may sumusunod sa'yo na military kahit san magpunta. Kahit mag-grocery lang or what. Hindi ko matandaan yun, seriously. Of course, bata pa ako.

Dun pa nabaril yung asawa nung auntie ko, kapatid ng mom ko. He was just outside then a drive-by happened. I still remember that! I was in the hallway, just near outside, talking to my brother and mom. Then we heard the gun shots. Then bam! Ayun. Grabe yun. Dun na kami natulog. Sa videoke lounge. To think that all of us were there! My cousins, my brothers, everyone. Grabe yun.

I don't know when the third death threat came, before or after the incident, but it involves us, the children. Sabi dun, alam kung saan kami nag-aaral and all that. E natakot na si mommy, so sinabi niya kay dad na umalis na kami dun. E sakto, okay ang band nila kuya, may album tapos sakto pinapapunta sila dito sa Manila. So ayun, we've been here ever since. Hindi kami bumalik dun for like I don't know how many years. Mga year 2005 yata nung bumalik kami.

But even though, those were the good times. Mga Christmas Party ng clan nun, hindi ko naabutan talaga. Tapos yung bawat branch ng movie rental and video games shop namin may presentation. That was fun. I can still remember that. Sumayaw kami nun e. Kaming magpipinsan, younger ones. I was like 3 or 4 that time. Haha!

But hands down to my parents that they were able to handle all that. Nung lumipat kami dito, dala-dala nila aside from us, their children, are my four cousins(included din sa band) and my uncle, my mom's youngest brother. Alala ko nagpupunta kami ng ABS-CBN nun at kung saan-saan. Mall tours, bars and all. Those days when bars were really really popular. So bata pa lang ako, mahilig na ako magpuyat. Haha. Naalala ko dun sila sa Art's Venue sa Taft tumutugtog dati. Karamihan ng big bands that time, andun. And they were the youngest of all. Sobrang hanga ako sa mga kuya ko e. They have the talent. They have the gadgets every band would want to have. And with just one incident and should I say, person, BAM! Nasira lahat. Banda, pati na rin pagsasamahan ng fam, ALMOST. At least hindi totally. But we can't do anything about that anymore. Those were the past. It was just fun reliving all those. And I bet we learned a lot from that, all of us.

Thank God, walang nangyaring kahit ano sa 'min.
--

BTW. Do you know about the Biggest Online Dance Battle in YouTube? Holymoleeyyy, ACDC(Adam/Chu Dance Crew) PWNED Miley&Mandy BIGTIME. WTFWTF ACDC's awesomeee! They got JABBAWOCKEEZZZ!!! And Brianna Evigan, Rob Hoffman, LL, Amanda Bynes, Britanny Snow, Chris Scott, Chris Brown babyyyy! WTH. Though M&M got Channing Tatum, Crumbs, and other good dancers, FO SHOOO M&M GOT PWNED! :)) If you don't know what this is, watch this. BUT FIRST, watch the video that started it all. And the video response which got 3 million views. WATCH. THE BIGGEST ONLINE DANCE BATTLE IN YOUTUBE HISTORY. They'll rock your socks man! Haha. Can't wait what M&M Cru will come up with.

A blessed day.

Last April 23, we celebrated my Dad's birthday in our new house. Along with that is the House Blessing. So at around 10-11am, the priest arrived and after the house blessing, he ate with us. Mahaba-haba nga ang sermon niya. Haha. But it was really really nice. It was nice to bond with my family like that. The priest also told us about the Philippines, why our country is like this, etc etc, and how there is still hope for our country to rise up. Everything that's happening in our country now are just challenges. It's up to us how we're going to conquer all those challenges. The government is the one that leads, guides and controls our country, but it is really us, the people, who will make our country a better place. And how are we going to do that? Go back to where everything started, family. The family is the first school, first church, first everything. That's why family matters a lot. I have learned a lot from just one day, one day. And I love it. :)

Later on in the afternoon, our pastor friend from Cornerstone Christian Church dropped by to give the cake to my dad and he prayed us over. It was really touching. My dad cried. So as my brother, Kuya Carlos. I was nearly in tears, and so as my mom. I never felt God more than that day. I felt really blessed. Who could ever thought that that day would be that blessed? First birthday on our new home, I can feel God's presence more than ever. Pastor Fred said that "your greatest wealth is the relationship with your family." True enough. I cannot ever forget that line. He also said that no matter how many challenges had come into our lives and how many things there were that's lost and left behind, God will give us even more than what we lost. Proverbs 24:16 says, "a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again"/"No matter how often honest people fall, they always get up again; but disaster destroys the wicked." I know how much things aren't the same as they were before and how many mistakes have been made in the past, but we're almost getting to the way it has been before, only that we're coming up as better people for the betterment of everyone, especially our family. Family is priceless.

That day, I was being sad because of something or rather someone. But after everything that has happened during that day, I had no reason to be sad at all. Because I am very blessed. I am very grateful and thankful that I am with my family. And they're there for me, we will always have each other. And that friend I was being sad about, will also have my back, no matter what.

Well, some of the people who reads my blog knows who that person is.

You know this past few days, I've been... I don't, I can't explain how I'm feeling really. I just know that I miss someone. Period. And it's just that no matter how much you do things, how much you occupy yourself doing a LOT of things, in the end, the pain just comes back again. The feeling and the thinking is still there. And it really sucks. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever. Well no, not really, but it's in sleep that I'm peaceful and have nothing to think about. Maybe this will pass, just maybe. Maybe because it's summer and school's not on the way and yeah. Sigh. Why am I feeling pain? Why am I being sad? Well it's just because reality keeps slapping me in my face. Yes yes, it does. But what can I do? It's reality, I need to deal with it.

See, last night I turned off the PC earlier than what I used to, but I can't sleep and I don't want to yet. So I went to my brother's room. Nakipagkulitan. Kumain. Nag-exercise. Palakad-lakad, pabalik-balik. Then my brother asked me, "Cha? Musta?" and how the usual me would say, "Okay lang." Then tries to look okay. I just wanted to take that feeling away, and I can't explain WHAT feeling that is. I played the guitar, asked my brother what song is easy to play, he told me the chords of Always Be My Baby and there, I played it. Turned on my pc again, played it over and over. Searched for the chords of Realize by Colbie Callait, Say it again by Marie Digby and all that. My fingers hurt. But it was fine. As long as I don't feel that feeling. But after everything, it's just didn't work. It's still there. So I went to sleep at 4am. Again.

I just hate how I'm always like that. Whenever I feel something that would make me ultimately happy, I always hold it back. I always hold it back. And what does it get me? It pains me. I'm always scared to get hurt. I'm always scared to be happy. Cos every time I'm happy, I always think that there will be something that will make me sad. Gah, I don't know. I just.. blah.

Anyway, on the lighter side(lolz), I kept thinking about this conversation I had with my brother's ex. She asked me what will I do after I graduate, then I said, "job?" She said, "further studies?" Yes, I want to. But you know how life is hard nowadays. I want to go study in another art school outside the country to get a second degree or masters or whatever you call that. I just love education. I love to learn. But she said, that she thinks I can do it. And she will continue to believe in me. She's going to the U.S. later this year to I think, study again. She's in Singapore right now, studying as an Economics major. How cool is that? She said she'll help me get financial support when I really want to and I'm serious about it. And last night, I searched for the top art schools in the U.S. and I looked into The Art Institute of California and the Academy of Art University. Those are both in California, Los Angeles and California respectively. But after much surfing in both websites, I decided that I want to go to the Academy of Art University! LOLZ. But what the hell, can I ever do that? I was so overwhelmed last night when I saw all that. I don't know though. It's not a crime to dream, is it? Dream on, Cha. Dream on.

Anyway, that's about it. Thanks for everyone who commented on my layout and previous blog post! :D Much loves. :)

I had a dream.

After such a long time of not dreaming.. i had a dream. I thought it was real at first. Haha. But when I woke up I realized, hindi pala. :))

It was kind of weird. But it's really funnyyyyyyy for me :)) Sa lahat ba naman ng mapapanaginipan ko, yun pa? Salamat sa'yo, nanaginip ako ulit. Haha.

Float like a coke float, sprite float and whatever float. Whatever floats your boat!
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Okay so now im hungry.

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lagot, wala naman siguro nakakabasa pa neto ulit dba. :)) HAHA. not in my multiply. im going to erase the link. haha.
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This blog entry is edited due to decisions that I will make my blog publicly announced to everyone I know. :p I'll put my blog link back in my multiply.