Revived

Oh hai there! :)

I guess I left my blog in a negative note. Most of my previous posts were really negative. Always talking about problems and stuff. But all those are over and done with. It's not helping and being negative will never help at all! You may think it's probably because school's over and I have nothing to really stress about these days hence the positivity. Well yeah, that's one thing. But this summer is really the life-changing summer I ever had.

I am growing.

Personal growth. Financial growth. Spiritual growth.

All there.

Breakthrough for this year. :)

I have learned a lot about life in general. Everyday, I learn a LOT more than the learning I get in school. And I'm really thankful for that. For the first few months of this year, I was surrounded by negativity. I was so emotionally, physically, mentally drained. Plus myself being negative wasn't helping at all. It was just all a mess for me. But all is over and done, past is past.

Now, everything changed. My mindset, my purposes, my goals, my relationships with family, with God, and just about everything. I'm happy that I'm this one step closer to my dreams. I got the seed and I gotta sow it. Sow the seed of your dream. Like I've read from Bo Sanchez's blogs. It's during this time that I see my future clearer now that little by little I try to think about what I really really want. Law of attraction. I always knew that I'm the kind of person who dream BIG a lot. I wanted a lot of things. I want to travel the world and go places. I wanna study again! Academy of Art University anyone? University of the Arts London? I wanna see Aurora Borealis! I wanna help people. I wanna be completely happy. I wanna buy my OWN car, own laptop, iPod, DSLR, smartphone using my OWN money. I wanna buy the things I want using my own money and working hard for it and not depending on my parents to give it to me. I was never that kind of person who depends everything to her parents. I was never too spoiled. I told myself, I'm gonna study and concentrate on my craft so when I graduate, I get a good-paying job that I love to do and so I can have those things. I still will. I still want to prove something to people and to myself. Art is what I generally live for and it will always be my first love.

But you know what they say, when there's opportunity you gotta grab it. And I did. We did. What I'm also really really glad about is me and my brothers are closer than ever. It's really good to see the whole family working together. And I've met new wonderful people whom I learn a lot from.

Some Most people would actually think this seed is easy to sow. It's not. At first I thought it was, seeing it from the outside. But it's really different when it's you playing the game than just being in the audience watching. Most people would actually think negatively of this seed. But you know, I don't care anymore. They're not the ones who are gonna feed me when I'm hungry anyway. This is real hard work.

And what really warms my heart is that we're closer to God more than EVER. All these challenges are just challenges. Trials we gotta walk ABOVE on. We gotta press on when it's turning us down. And I'm not pressing on all by myself because my whole family's behind me helping me press on through the challenges of life.

You know just a few weeks after school ended, it feels like I'm the same old but brand new person. It's a different feeling. And my mindset has changed.. in a good way and also which I think everyone must have. Positivity.

Hear the sunshine. See the sunshine.

By the way, last Sunday I attended the morning and evening service of Cornerstone Church in Bulacan and boy, really, I am revived. We're Catholics but my brothers always attend their service because we serve their sound system. I've always wanted to go with them then especially during those times I was sooo down and negative. But I don't know, I wasn't able to not until last Sunday. I woke up early to go with them and their guest speaker was a 24-year-old Australian(Fil-Aus) Pastor, which was really good-looking btw haha. Before we went back home, Pastor Fred introduced us to him and he prayed over us. He doesn't know anything about us, just the basics, but coming from him he said before the year ends, we're going to be debt-free. And I was just wowza! That IS our goal. And we know we're on the right track. And here comes the evening service, I went again so as my parents. Oh boy, I cried. Really. My brother and I cried. My mom was holding back her tears. Lol. But you know, it felt really great. It's those times when I really feel His presence. I'm the type of person who doesn't want people seeing her cry but yes I did cry with my mom and dad beside me. Lol. What made me start crying was the video the pastor showed, there's this Australian.. oh okay, I found the video. I'm gonna show it to you guys. Hope it inspires you as it had inspired me.



And I love singing praise songs. They sang Hosanna during the morning service and that's one of my favorites!

Oh hai, God is so good. :)

"If I fail, I try again, and again, and again..."
-Nick Vujicic

A New Year, A New Post.

So after one month, I decided to go into my Blogger again and change the template. I found this one on Blogskins. I wanted to make this kind of layout for a long time now but don't have the time to.. and I didn't know how to as well. HAHA. Loser. My CSS shits are kind of out-dated now. The layout looks clean, doesn't it? I think it is. That's why I love it! I like clean and simple looks now. Gone are the days that I used to like so much splattered brushed and all that.

So last Christmas, we had a family Christmas Party. It's held annually now, haha. It began when it was just me and my mom at home 'cos my brothers and cousins had a gig in Davao back in 2006. And my dad went with them so we were left alone. My brother's girlfriend went at home from time to time to check us and hang out with us or drive us somewhere. Then we just had the idea of having a Christmas party along with family friends, cousins' family and the others left behind here so it wouldn't be so lonely. And it all started there. It's something I look forward to every year.

On 2008, we held it at our new home in Fairview. I just realized then that we celebrate it on a different house every year. Haha. Those were the times when we moved houses. Too bad it rained so we started out late. :( But still it was fun cos we had an intermission number for every family. It was my idea to put it in so it would be so much fun. My dad and brothers played 3 Beatles songs. My dad sang and played the bass. Then, my 2 cousins who used to be the vocalists in their band sang as well. So it was like a mini-reunion. Ha ha. And I had it all captured on video! We had games, of course. The most fun was the Hep-hep hooray game. It was so funny watching them! My 2nd brother, as our representative, won! Hahaha. And there are a LOT of kids now. Ngayong year kasi, may 2 families na nadagdag. Haha. My cousin's and my uncle's family. Ang kukulit! But they're so cute and adorable. XD Madadagdagan pa since my cousin's wife just gave birth last November and my sister-in-law will give birth this April. I gotta admit, I'm not so used to having kids around. But I guess I have to get used to it now. This just means I'm getting older. =]]

I wanna transfer the videos on my computer ASAP so I can edit and upload it on YouTube or Vimeo or somewhere. But I'm having problems with the cables and stuff. =[

New Year was kinda fun as well. My mom invited the kids from Children's Joy Foundation and they sang Christmas carols. Hehe. But man, it was so SO SO LOUD OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE. AND THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE. LMAO. I'm being sarcastic. =]] Srsly, there were no people at all. Cars were just passing by us and some people walking but I haven't seen a single neighbor outside their house. In our old village, New Year's the only time we get to interact and see people outside their home. But here? LOL. The road's so clean. It was still fun though.. because of the food. And it rained as well. Boo. =]]

My brother and I just played Ragnarok. BAHAHA. Who would've thought I'd come back and play again? Just not on iRO though. We're now playing on a private server. My friend invited me to play, and I just thought why not? It's something I can do to pass my time. Or relax when I'm stressed. Or it just simply reads: PROCASTINATION. Hahaha. But noooo, I don't want that this year. I DON'T WANT TO CRAM EVER AGAIN. I mean, just not this year. This year will be a tough one. I'm in my last term as a sophomore. And I say hello to majors on junior year. Whenever I think about what's going to happen this year, it overwhelms me like a lot. But I want to believe I can do it. I can survive. Yes, I know I can. I just need confidence. =[ I lack that. STILL. And I hate it. And I'm going to turn 18 five months from now. And my mom told me to arrange things as early as now. =o =o

As for school stuff, our term started on Wednesday. Umm, I didn't go to my second class. WHOOPS. Sreh. Hahaha. WE DIDN'T. Cerisse, Camae, CJ and I. We went to MOA to eat at Kamay Kainan! :D FREE! Haha. Then we window shopped, as usual. Then we went to Krispy Kreme then CJ said that we shouldn't go to school. HAHAHA. Then suddenly Cerisse and Camae agreed cos they were lazy. BOO. And I wanted to go to class!!! I told them I'll be a GOOD INFLUENCE to them. ROFL. But it was 3 vs. 1. And I lost. HAHA. So we stayed at Krispy Kreme then went around the mall. I bought a book at National Bookstore called Exit Here. I wanted to buy 2 but my money wasn't enough. The title of the other book I wanted to buy was, Wait for me, so I TALKED TO THE BOOK lmao and said, "Okay, wait for me!". Haha. Oh I was just willing to spend 500 bucks that day. I wanna save. So I'll come back for the other books later. And I wanna buy that cube thingy we were trying to solve to be a cube? I can't explain it. HAHA. Anyway it looks like this:

Googled it! Haha. We were all sitting on the floor ON THE CHILDREN'S SECTION trying to solve that. =]] It was so frustrating. You think you have nearly solved it but NOOOO, there's this empty spot in the middle or somewhere and you just don't know where to put the other cubes. What a problem eh? Haha. So we gave up and went back to school.

Sorry for lying, folks. =[ I've been a bad girl. =]] I don't wanna do that next week and the weeks after that. BLAME CJ! Haha. I don't wanna spend too much money. We'll just go to the computer lab and just go on the internet. =]]

Yesterday, I didn't go to school cos my mom said so. BOO. =[ My brothers weren't home yet that time cos the car broke down or something in Tagaytay. I don't know what happened really though. So, most likely my dad got lazy driving me to school. AND my mom didn't want me to commute. So I won't go to school. BAH. I felt bad about it and just slept the whole day. And now I'm screwed cos they were asked to form a group for a business company and it's allowed to have only 4 members and Cerisse, CJ, Kevin and Angela are groupmates since I wasn't there. And they're already four. So no more room for me. =[ Ohhaii. I can do it. Time to meet new people, yeah? I suck at that sometimes. I get scared. LOL. =[

I think I'm gonna play Ragnarok now or read a book. Or go to tumblr. Or something. I've no class today since I'm off every Monday and Friday. Goodie! :D I wanna watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. And download the new ep of Gossip Girl. DAMNNNN. I haven't watched they Ep14 yetttt! =[[[ This one's pretty long now. Thanks for reading though! :) Happy New Year! =]

I'm gonna leave you guys with this YouTube video I found:

I didn't know someone translated it to english. Haha. Pretty cool. =] I'll always love this song.

Diskarte lang.

Don't worry bro, even before I decided to go and push through with this, I know exactly what I'm doing and where I'm going.

We were on our way home, actually we were almost near home when my brother asked me about studies and all. If I'm learning something and such. Of course I said yes, which is the truth. He asked if I will be able to use everything I'm learning when I step into the real world and I said, "probably not all." I've heard that from my eldest brother then that I won't get to use everything I'll learn in school 'cos yeah most of the other things, we do learn by ourselves and like they say, "diskarte lang."

Then he said, "Tinuturuan ka ba nila pano kumita ng pera?" and I said, "Hindi." Diskarte na natin yun after we graduate e, di ba? He said, "Ako, graduate ako ng UP pero ano nakuha ko dun? Wala din. Dba? 6 years ako nag-aral. Kung alam ko lang na dito ako mapupunta sa business na 'to(which is a family business, sound system) edi sana ini-spend ko na lang yung 6 years kong yun para pag-aralan yung mga pinag-aaralan ko pa lang ngayon. If ever, 10 years na sana ako nags-soundsystem/set-up."

And he asked me, "Ikaw ba, kunwari sa December gagraduate ka na, after nun ano balak mong gawin?" And I couldn't answer him yet. He asked, "Di ba less than 2 years, graduate ka na. Sa ilang taon na inaral mo, pag grumaduate ka na pano mo mababayaran yung pinagpaaral sa'yo pag nagkatrabaho ka na?" Again, I couldn't answer 'cause I was thinking of the best way to answer him. He again asked, "After niyan ano bang trabaho ang gagawin mo?" Then finally I said, "Usually kasi pag samin graduate ka, napupunta ka sa mga advertising, or magiging graphic artist or web designer ng isang company." He asked, "Yung mga prof mo ba ganun lang din ginagawa nila? Magkano ang bayad sa ganun?" These are not all the exact words but the essence is there. And he asked a question or two until we finally reached the gate of our house. The conversation ended there.

You see, wanting to study in CSB and take up Multimedia Arts was not just something I decided impulsively or like in a spur of the moment. Just because I wanted it, I immediately told them that 'this is what I want... blah blah'. No. I was so torn because one, CSB is so very far from where I live. Second, the tuition is expensive added to that is the tri-semestral curriculum of the college. Third, my parents won't allow me to commute and so my brothers will be the one who will drive me to and fro school. Fourth, they wanted me in UST because it's nearer. I considered all these and everything else. What they would feel, what I would feel, the risks I'm going to take and of rejection and everything elseeee. I thought through everything before I went and said it to them. I was so emotional during that time. I thought things through because I wanted so badly to take up MMA and if they won't allow me to, I thought of things that would convince them. And if they won't allow me still, then okay. I'll stop. But fortunately, after I said it to my brothers then they said it to mom&dad, they thought things through too. I waited patiently and prayed to God that they'd finally come to their decision and realize that this is what I want and I know what I want.

My brothers and I are very different when it comes to the courses they took up in college. My two brothers took up Business Management and the other one took up BA History. They took it because well, Bus.Mgnt. since we have a family business and History, because my brother was late on enrollment and the course he wanted to take which was Music was I think in quota so he had no choice but to choose those that are non-quota. I, on the other hand, always knew that this was what I always wanted to do. And I see myself doing this, being a multimedia artist. I never pictured myself being in the family business and such. That's why I was so bummed when my dad told me to pick a course in UST, when I was in Academic Placement, that would be in line to our business. I unwillingly chose Commerce, which I got in to, and another was I.T., which I never really got the chance to see if I ever got in. I remember last year when my brother once said while we were eating, "Grabe si Cha 'tol no, tayo basta maka-graduate lang, siya alam niya talaga gusto niya." And I was proud of myself for knowing that I do know what I want to do.

I may not know what I would exactly do after I graduate but I know that it's related to anything multimedia.

Our society would always belittle those courses which is related to the arts department. Let's face it, they always do. And I feel that whenever my relatives or even family friends ask me what my course is and what I would do after. They'd just go, "Ahh." I know Multimedia Arts is new to the country and only few people know about this. But without us(I'm saying multimedia artists included are photographers, filmmakers, graphic artists, webdesigners, animators, illustrators, etc.), what would companies do? Who will advertise their product? How will they? Who would do commercials? Who would do movies? Who would take their photos and capture videos on film? Would there be a Pixar? Would there even be media? No, I don't think so. And they say you won't go anywhere when you're an artist unless you're a celebrity. I know some people belittle art courses, they think it's easy but in fact, it's not. We just love what we do that's why it doesn't look so hard. Well at least, for me. But then again, who cares if you don't get so rich? You love what you do, it makes you happy and it creates satisfaction to you, the end. Some people, though rich are not happy with their lives. What would I rather choose? I'd choose to live the life I'm happy in and the life I always imagined myself to be in. I won't ever choose a life, even a rich life, just because it was unwillingly forced into me.

Sure, I'm not getting a PhD or not a Biology, Chemistry, Law, or Accounting student but I've always wanted to prove to them that this isn't easy as it looks. It's hard to think of a good concept or make a realistic photo manipulation or do plates. I always wanted to prove to them that I can go somewhere and I will be successful someday. That I will be someone someday.

And I believe I can be.

You know what sucks?

K so I haven't really posted a real update for the past uh, weeks. I wasn't planning to blog tonight but I just have to rant this thing I have been thinking of since last week. It just got into me though it often happens to us for the longest time.

So before that, I'm going to excuse myself for not being able to blog. Although this won't really be a valid one since my schoolmates have been able to update theirs no matter how busy it is in school these days. It's not THAT busy though, I just like to be 'busy'. :)) But forealz, it's August now and all the workload has been dumped into us by our professors, and they're not even our design/major profs! Okay, maybe I'm just lazy. And whenever I thought of updating, I'm not able to do it since I'm being distracted by either Plurk or the Twilight updates. Soyeah.

I'm gonna talk about my life these days. Seriously I've never felt this scared. Like everyday, you're scared of something, like something is going to happen terrible. Almost every single freakin' day, I'm scared that I almost would not want to live the day but I have to. There's this voice inside me that says I have to get through the day, that I should. It's not suicidal okay? :)) It's just like I want to escape the everyday stresses and fears I'm experiencing. One reason for that is ORALCOM. I hate public speaking. I obviously am not confident with myself. I know it's those kind of things I have to improve but fear just gets in the way. Main reason why I have these quotes written on my Starbucks Planner, "Don't ever let fear hold you back." and "Why worry if you can pray?", so I won't get so scared and worry so much anymore. I wasn't having this problem back in high school, maybe a little bit, but not this kind of fear. Back in high school, we were trained to speak in front a lot during our Speech Laboratory classes and we were so used to it that it helped me gain my confidence. Back in senior year, I had to speak in front of the whole school body and deliver my speech during our Student Council Miting De Avance and didn't have any problem with that. I feel like my self-confidence has decreased to a depressing level. And I don't like that, it makes me feel frustrated about myself.

Second is that... well, *can't think of any other reason*, OHYEAH, P.E.! :)) Just because I don't know anyone there. Though I'm getting better with talking to people in that class and I now have people to play table tennis with. So I'm kind of okay with that now. *insert dancing banana here*

K next. It's August now.. which means, last month of the term; finals; more plates; projects; more projects; and of course, BREAKING DAWN RELEASE! So that last one makes my August bearable. *dancing banana* I told you above that our prof dumped us bunch of workloads, specifically our PHILIEN(Philippine Literature in English) professor. We have to make a scrapbook consisting of the things we treasure most and a comics interpreting Bringing the Dolls, and it's all due on Tuesday! We also need to create a magazine about ourselves(I think) for the finals. Talk about expenses. I'm broke, you know. I just spent my savings on buying a new optical mouse and a 1GB DDR2 RAM for my PC. I don't regret buying it though, why of course why would I? It made my computer perform faster! *dancing banana again* And I wouldn't have to lag so much when AVG scans my computer, just like what it's doing now, and I'm not lagging unlike before *annoyed emoticon from plurk*. Also, I wouldn't have to deal with my old mouse. You know the mouse with the ball? LMAO.

Add to the school works are my DESPRIN plates, HARTDS1 Finals exhibit(on which I have to make a product that's wearable or we can use and it should be inspired by an art era like the Egyptian or Christian art, etc. Any ideas? :D), ORALCOM speeches(oh no for impromptu speeches!), and uhm, yeah I think that's it. Ohyeah, BASICOM! BASICOM company website and our defense! Mannn. With all that, I think I have to go now to finish my plate but I haven't gotten to the main point of this post yet.

I've posted this on Plurk. I hate being compared. I hate being misunderstood. I hate being underestimated. I know it's one way of driving someone to do better. You know, I'm really trying hard to do better and I think I'm successful in doing so. This is most likely to be such a teenage angst but I don't think they appreciate it all. Well maybe they do, but I don't feel it. It's when I do things that aren't acceptable that they notice. It's not that I do much of that but it's mostly the mistakes, you know? It sucks. Especially being underestimated, like I can't do this and I don't know this when in fact I actually do. It makes me feel so less of myself. Like they make me feel I'm stupid. I know I have to wake up early and mostly my fault why I'm always late, yes okay, but I'm so sleep deprived that I'm not able to do so. I often stay up late cos I'm doing something school-related. I'm often in front of the computer cos that's what my course requires. I know they're just concerned about me. But I think they have to understand my side too. Which I cannot make them understand cos I can't say anything to them. I don't want to argue with them anymore so I just keep my mouth shut.

Sucks that way. You know, I really have the drive to prove to them that I will be someone someday. I just need them to believe in me. And I don't feel that they do. *tears*

On fire.

You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it.

On Thursday, I was super drained and slept the moment I got home. Friday, I still was kind of drained and I still slept the moment I got home. Saturday, kind of refreshed but still slept the moment I got home. Lmao! :)) I just realized how much I slept for the last 3 days. And how much I crammed.

DUDE I swear I hate cramming! I will never ever ever ever cram a project like that! WTF, I hate how our minds can work during the last minute! We could have done that a week before Thursday but we didn't cos we can't think of anything to put in the Project Brief. :]]]] I hated how my mind was all like squeezed until it wasn't squeezable anymore. =))) I really hope our prof will allow us to revise that! Man. And we still have to think of a concept of how we're going to do the product commercial. Dang, my groupmates and I weren't able to meet awhile ago since one wasn't allowed to go. T_T And we weren't able to do our dubbing project yet which is due on Monday! WTF. I swear, I don't like the feeling of cramming anymore. T_T

Anyway, I woke up early around 5am to go with mom and dad to the airport. We fetched my aunt in the bus terminal and dropped her off the airport. Her flight's at 10am but we were there like 7am. So we ate first and caught up with things. We just rode the taxi going there cos my brother wasn't able to come home last night =))))) And you know what I hate? Everything is too expensive. Especially the gas, man! WTF, 60/liter? You gotta be kidding meee. That could go on like 80/liter! WTH, there'll be no cars in the streets when that time comes! Wag na tayong pumasok! Lmao. But on the brighter side, that would mean less traffic. We went through EDSA and there was no traffic at all! Super less cars! But nevertheless, transportation is a necessity. I mean, you can't walk to the place you need to go to here! Can I walk from Fairview to Taft? No way. That would take 48 years. You can ride a bike or skateboard but not everyone can. And still, it's far.

My dad was interviewing the taxi drivers we had so that was like 3 of them. And all of them were complaining about the gas. Then there would be times when they don't earn enough profit. Gas na nga lang, lugi na talaga sila. That's why there are a lot of taxi drivers forced to choose passengers depending on where they're going to. So it was kind of hard for us to find a taxi from Taft going to Fairview. I was going to suggest to just ride the LRT-MRT then go to Fairview from North Ave. or Quezon Ave. station. But we were lucky enough to find a taxi. Too bad, I thought it would be my mom and dad's first time to ride the LRT-MRT. =))

AND OH. Last Wednesday, I got to ride the LRT-MRT all by myself! WHOO! Hahaha! From Vito Cruz to Edsa Taft, Edsa Taft to North Avenue. My mom did know I rode the LRT-MRT, only that she didn't know that I was alone. She knew I was with a friend. :)) My brother was in on it though. He asked me if I can, then I said yeah. It was about time to try it. Then he'll just fetch me at TriNoMa. I was lucky enough to have found a seat in the MRT and so I was sitting all through out my ride. And there was not much people in the LRT so yeah. :] While I was at TriNoMa, I grabbed the chance to go to Powerbooks and have myself reserve a copy of Breaking Dawn which will be out on August 4. Shoot, I seriously can't wait anymore! And Stephenie Meyer said on her MySpace blog that she'll put up a 'Quote of the Day' down to the day of the release of the book! She doesn't know where it will be put up yet though. But it'll be announced. Ohyay!

Hmm, what else. Oh there, my brother just got home from Ortigas. He went to Enchanted Kingdom cos he jammed to the Streets band who often is Amber's band. Last night, he went to Amber's condo to rehearse songs with the band. And he asked me a favor to download like 15 songs so he can review it. It was like 6 months since he last really played the guitar on stage as a band. :]]]] Sure they were asked to jam to bands whenever we go out but that's just like one song that they already know. Dang, I sure miss them playing. :[ One night we were at Blue Wave and we were all there with my mom and dad, they were talking about putting the band up together again. For even just one day, Saturday or Friday, they can have a gig just for the sake of the old times. I mean, I know they miss it. And they're still so young and very talented! If they stop at once, it'll all be waste. I mean, not really but it's sayang. Everyone they know at this point, they met through their gigs. And those people are like family now. Their girlfriends, wives, best of friends, everyone they met along their way while playing. It's been a very big part in our lives. I've watched them play all my life. I witnessed how much they love playing music. I still feel sad whenever I think of everything that has happened then. But I think it's cool that we handed it all pretty well, at least. I think it made us a lot stronger too and that's a good thing. I think it was a challenge and it made me sad that they gave up at once.

And on that night in Blue Wave, was the first time I drank in front of my mom and dad. Seriously it was so freakin' awkward! :)) Dude I've drank Vodka/Vodka Ice for like I don't know, but many times now. And I've never been drunk in my whole life. Then they ordered me a Margarita. LMAO. My mom tasted it, dang. And said to me that I shouldn't drink it anymore cos I might get drunk. Cos they said it's a 'juice' drink. HAHAHA. I couldn't drink the way I could whenever my parents are not around. But it's not like I drink with my friends, I drink with my family! I often go out with my brothers, cousins, their wives and girlfriends! And I thought that even if I get drunk, it'll be fine cos I'm with my parents. Right? I have a point there right? Haha! Rather than I'm with strangers. I don't get why my mom still treats me like I'm 13 or younger than I am. I'll be turning 18 next year, man! She doesn't want to let go of me just yet. It's not that I don't like how she looks out for me, it's just that sometimes she tend to overact much. She doesn't even want me to commute, what the hell. I know she's thinking of my safety but I'm also thinking of practicality. I mean, I should experience those kind of things. Sometimes it sucks being all locked up in your world all your life. I should learn how to handle things on my own. I don't want to be overly dependent to my parents. I'm really not, but I don't want to come to the point that I am overly dependent on them.

My brother talked to my dad about these things and he understands. My dad is very open to things and he understands. He also wants us to learn and experience things. And I want to, too. Cos I sometimes feel like they make me feel like I'm not responsible enough. My brother understands me on this one, he said he knows how it feels. And it sucks.

Oh well, enough with the rants. I haven't been blogging for quite a while and I kind of miss it. I wasn't even able to do my blog rounds these days. And look at my blog layout, it's all messed up. :)) I'm lazy coding my layouts. And I've been quite addicted to Plurking! :]]]

So yeah, that would be all for now. :)

Ain't that bad, yo.

One week has passed! Dohhhh. So, I should've posted a blog last Saturday or Sunday but I got lazy. Yessss I'm a super lazy me. LOL. Huwat?! =))

So, last Tuesday was my birthday. But it felt like my birthday was the whole week. Friends kept greeting me a happy birthday everytime I go to school. =)) Lmao! That was fun. But the birthday itself wasn't much of a good day. Probably because nothing much has happened during the day. We(Neela, CJ and I) just went to MOA to kill time since we have a 3-hour break. And then DESPRIN(Principles of Design) changed the so-so mood of the day cos I was so excited for Cerisse! =)) HAHAHA. Shaks ah, nabanggit pa you here sa blog ko! LMAO! =)) Then our planned TriNoMa birthday celebration didn't push through since the people my parents invited couldn't come so we ate at Seaside instead. Good foodddd. I love good food! But the mood of the day continued. I can just say I wasn't ultimately happy. I thought my 17th was the suckiest day ever. LOL. Well not really, it's just that it's not a really good day I guess. Idk. :)) But I appreciate everything everyone had done to make it the happiest day possible though.

So ya, my Saturday celebration somehow paid for it anyway. Cossss, I SAW MY HIGH SCHOOL SUPERFRIENDS once again! Ohgosh, how I loved it. Haha, srsly! Though not everyone could come, it was nice cos I get to hang-out with them a bit, talk and catch up. Damn I missed them so! I wish I could like go out with them at least once a week! Haha but things need plans so.. sometimes it can't be possible. And I really appreciate those people who just dropped by to greet me a happy birthday. Or para lang mapaunlakan yung invitation ko sa kanila. Oh wow, that's... deep! Haha. So yeah, cos that was a Saturday and my invitation was such a short notice but they went anyway even if they have plans that night. Meant a lot, really. :] But I really hope we'd get together some time. Like, all of us! I really really wish to have a high school batch reunion before the year ends! IT'S A MUST EVERY YEAR! :)) At least for me. :] And.. only three of my college friends went cos most of them are from the south so they couldn't come. Laughtrip lang si Kevin Chua at Pem cos they really went! HAHA. Though they're north people, Fairview is still far y'know. :)) AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE FOOD. =)) Nyahaha! It was fun though.

On to a new topic. Last Thursday after my 8pm class, my parents and brother(2nd) went to fetch me. Just that time they told me that we're going to a family friend's wake. That family friend was my Kuya Raymond's(3rd) high school batchmate/bandmate and maybe best friend and an ex-bandmate(Pure Instinct). LOL. Labo na! [FLASHBACK] Back then, I was still in grade school, the families of every person included in their band went to our house just because and also to check how the band's doing and all. And so our family became friends with my brother's friend's family. Lol, is that right? =)) To the point that we even celebrated our Pre-New Year all together. That was fun! I can still remember that time, way back 2000 I think or 2001 before our family went to Cebu to spend the New Year. :)) [/END FLASHBACK] It was his dad's wake. And his dad passed away on my birthday! :o So I figured that was why my parents and my brother was so dressed up like they're going somewhere after. So yeah, meron nga! Haha. We went to Sanctuarium and I was so hungry since I didn't eat before my class! BOO-HOO. Luckily there's a mini-store inside and I ate siopao just to somehow ease my hungriness. Lol. Then we went up and I saw my brother's high school friends, my brother of course and his girl friend. One of my bro's HS friends was like, "O Cha! Ang laki niyo na ah! *points to other people with the same age as me or older*" And I realized that one person he pointed at was our family friend's brother. And it came to me.. "Oh no. Shocks. Makikita ko siya!" HAHAHA. So this is another story.

So, my brother's bestfriend has two younger brothers. The one I saw was his second younger brother. Since my brother's HS bandmates' family often come to our house then, we somehow get to know them a little. And my kuya's bestfriend(he was the vocalist of their HS band) has this brother(his third younger brother), a year older than me. Back in grade 4, I had a crush on him. LMAO! And he knew! Their AM class knew! Cos in our school, for grade school there were only two sections: AM and PM. So I was grade 4 and he was grade 5. GAH. :)) I didn't know HOW they knew! And my brother's HS friends as well as my brother knew. And they kept on pairing us then. Tuksuhan and all. Nakakahiya yun noh! Haha! I can still remember, omay! Haha. It was funny cos we never talked. Maybe once or twice when there were circumstances that were unavoidable like when my mom told me to show him where the telephone was or when he went to the house to drop by food or something, my mom usually told me to get it. LMAO. And that's not even called a real talk! :)) So I guess we were really shy =)) Or ako lang! Haha. Laughtrip! :)) And oohhhh! [FLASHBACK]I can still remember, before our school held an event where chosen students will perform and he was one of those students. My friends were there too! They were gon' dance! Then my friends were telling me that he was really good. Or at least that's what I can remember. Haha! Then on the day of the performance, he was like all over the place! LMAO. I was like, "wth?!" I was looking at him cos he was my friend's partner! Eh ayun, di ko na lang tinitingnan. Na-shy? Haha! Jokes amp na-peeling naman ako nun =)) Feel ko na-conscious eh. Haha! I told to my friend, "Bat ganon partner mo? Parang hindi alam steps." She said, "Ewan ko, nung practice naman okay siya e." [/END FLASHBACK] :)) I remember the last time I saw him was back in 2nd year HS. [FLASHBACK]They went to my brother's gig at Ratsky and he and his mom were there because at that time, Kuya X(his bro) was already part of my bro's band. We were on the same table! And I can't even look at him. My mom and his mom were just talking. Nakakatawa, swear! Then when we arrived home, my mom told me.. "Bakit di kayo nag-uusap nung kapatid ni *insert my bro's bestfriend name here*?" I said, "Ha? Ewan ko, di kami close e. Haha!" Pero I think at that time, I was thinking, "yak nakakahiya noh!" Haha! Then my mom said, "Natatawa kanina mommy niya sainyong dalawa. Nagkakahiyaan pa daw kayo. Sabi niya sakin, may gusto daw kasi yun dati sa'yo." NYAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! =)) Natawa na lang ako. [/END FLASHBACK]

Too many flashbacks, eh? Haha. So yeah, I'm right. The moment I entered the room, he was the first one I saw. =)))))) NYAHAHHAHA! I was like, "=o" HAHA! Homaygallywow. But of course I didn't let my reaction show! Haha. Then when my brother(3rd) told the story of how Kuya X's dad died and all, he mentioned about the brothers and he saw me kind of smiled a bit. It's not even called a smile! Haha. Well I reacted a bit and he saw that, and he reacted and smiled at me. Then started teasing me and told my mom and dad about me having a crush on Kuya X's brother before. Haha! And he started telling it to our family friends, those who weren't there in our lives yet during that time. Haha. Then he told me, "Alam ko na birthday gift ko sa'yo Cha! Papakilala kita!" LMAO! And he told it to Kuya X, his bestfriend! Kinilig naman! AMPOPO. But I know they were just tripping.. a bit! Cos with them, sometimes they can really get serious with tripping. Lol. Pero sobrang laughtrip yung itsura nilang dalawa na nagbubulungan and all =)) Lalo na yung itsura nila nung 'kinikilig' sila.I couldn't do anything about it! All I can say is, "Ugh nakakainis ka kuya!" =)) But yeah, it didn't happen. =)) Thhankkkkk God! My face would've looked funny if that happens. :)) Cos I prolly wouldn't know how to react. :)) I saw my former high schoolmate and now college schoolmate at the wake. Shocked ako. :)) I guess they're friends cos they're on the same village. Anyway, the day after my brother told me that Kuya X's brother got shy too. =)) LMAO. And oh, in case you're wondering how he looks now... :"> HAHAHA. Isang napakalaking SHET at OMG lang ang masasabi ko. :"> =))) Getitttt? Haha!

THIS IS A SO LONG POST. T_T Bah. This is what happens when I don't blog for a week. Lol.

Anyway, DESPRIN wasn't that bad. We had our first plate and it was kinda fun. Though I couldn't think of what to draw instantly, it was very challenging. LOL. I didn't get to finish my plate though. I just had it signed by my prof so em gonna pass them next week.

I just figured, the past keep coming to my present. And so my past becomes part of my present and I don't even ask for it. :))

Gah I'm laazy now. Bye.

The weak week.

WARNING: Long post ahead. :p

Okay so it's been almost one week since I updated my blog. WTH I can't believe it's already May 1! OHGOSH. May 21 pasok na namin!!! BAH. I should finish the things I need to do and want, as well. :p I need to go to school on days 14-17, whenever during that week for course adjustment. I don't wanna be underload! Grr. I want to watch DVDs which I haven't been able to buy yet and read books like Twilight. Yeaaa. I still have like 91 days to read all three books before the last book comes. Hahaha. I saw the movie behind the scenes and some fan-made trailers and it's all awesome. I'm getting excited though I haven't read the book yet. I mean, it's a romantic vampire story, who wouldn't want that? Everyone is like in love with Edward and Bella. Hahaha. Today's my brother's girlfriend birthday and yesterday we bought gifts for her. So I suggested my brother to give her a book. We were supposed to buy the new Nicholas Sparks book since she said she'll buy it, might as well give her the book. But it wasn't available in that National Bookstore branch. So we bought another book which is, Twilight. Wah, if I get my pay I'd surely splurge my money on books but still save something for erm, things I need in school later on.

Last week, I was having a hard time. It wasn't my week last week, I was just really sad. No, actually I wasn't. I was moody! Sobrang nakakainis kasi sobra yung mood swings. One minute I'm happy, then another I'm sad. I hated it. It got to the point where I cannot feel anything anymore. I cried because of that. I'd rather feel anything, even pain, than not feeling anything at all. I felt dead. But the next day which is Monday, I had this dream. Imma paste this from my Multiply.

I woke up earlier than what I expected, I thought it was already 11 am, but I looked at the clock and it was still quarter to 9am. So I turned on the PC, checked my myspace, friendster, facebook, multiply, mail and blog hopped. I DLed songs and..

My mom, someone else I don't know who and I were talking and suddenly, I couldn't speak. I tried so hard to speak but I couldn't. Tapos na-realize ko may nakabara sa throat ko so tinanggal ko. That was really weird. When I did, I started to bleed. Nagsusuka na ako ng dugo. Then I didn't know what to do. And my nose also started to bleed. I was helpless. I asked God for help, I prayed really hard. And I was thinking if I should go to the hospital already or what, but I thought it would end soon. But it didn't. All I can see is red blood. I thought I was dying! I called my friends using my phone and we went to see each other. I texted Jesy, she told me to go to FEU-NRMF then find her there. I said, "it's too late."

Then I woke up.

It's weird cos I rarely experience dreams in my sleep. When I woke up, I can still remember the feeling of not being able to speak. But I thank God that it was all just a dream. I was freaked out! I was really freaked out. It got me thinking through out the day even the meaning of it. I searched for a dream dictionary online since I don't know where our old dream dictionary is.


Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

Throat

It shows considerable powers of imagination and signifies a successful venture.

Nose

Instinctive knowledge. It reflects great powers of imagination and creativity, but also difficult relations with a partner.

Red

This is an indication of great passion and sensitivity in your emotional relationships.

Help

To dream that you are calling or signaling for help, suggests that you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, and/or inadequate.

Helpless

To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

Silence

To dream that you are silent, indicates an inability to express yourself. You may feel inhibited in voicing your opinion and how you really feel.

So that's it. Maybe that's what I'm feeling for the past week that I couldn't exactly explain what. What my dream meant was actually true in my reality.

So yeah, but I'm better now compared last week. Way way better. Going out helped a lot.

Speaking of going out, mom, dad, my brother and his girlfriend went to a Jap restaurant along Panay Avenue to eat last Tuesday. There, we talked about the past, how we got here, why we went here, and everything back then.

So now I know the real reason why we moved here to Manila from Cotabato.

I was born in Cotabato City but I am in Manila for like 11 years already. Almost half my life so basically, I grew up in Manila. Quezon City, specifically. I was 6 when we moved here. Before, I thought the reason why we moved here is bcos of my brothers who then has a band. They had an album and their song became a hit. So the recording company, which is Polycosmic Records then but Universal Records now, said they should come to Manila already. So we did. And they did TV guestings and all that. I was with them all the way. It was such a challenge moving here cos when we moved, we had no house at all! And our furnitures and all are still in the ship. LOL. That was around April 1999, a month after I graduated kindergarten.

Back in Cotabato, business was really good. Meron kaming video games store(all over Cotabato), movie rentals(back when vhs tapes and laser discs were very popular haha) store and an all-in-one bar, restaurant, club, videoke named after my name. LOL. Business was really doing well. Kami yung unang may ganun dun. Hindi pa tapos yung construction, pina-open na. Lots of artists went there like Manilyn Reynes, UMD Dancers, Streetboys, Yano, etc etc etc. I can't remember though cos I was still young. Nung in-open yun, sobrang dami raw ng tao. Naubusan pa ng food and beer. LOL. Tapos may mga G.R.O. pa daw, hahahaha! And they held contests there like dance contests, costume contest every Halloween and all that. Pinauso din dun yung Ladies Night which is every Wednesday, Ballroom night, and etcetera. Yung restaurant, sobrang okay yung food. I remember nakaakyat pa ako sa kitchen. Yung videoke, may 5 private videoke rooms and a big videoke room outside it. The 5 videoke rooms were all named after our Zodiac Signs: Aquarius, Capricorn, Gemini, Taurus, and Libra. Lahat yun nasa isang building. It's a big lot cos from what I remember, it's only one floor. Tumugtog din dun mga kuya ko. Then dad told us na nabilib yung manager ng isang band na nakasabay nila kuya and sinabi niya, "Grabe, malayo mararating nito." Tapos masayang-masaya sila after kasi may sweldo sila, 50 pesos! Pero mind you, malaki na yun nung time na yun.

Though business was really good, my parents had been receiving death threats even before the bar was opened. Three all in all. Two before the bar was opened, and another one when it was already opened.. I guess. Basta tatlo. They didn't mind it. Hindi sila nagbigay ng kung anong money kahit na pinagbantaan na ng kidnap and all those shits. 50k ang hinihingi nun. To think, malaki na yung ganung amount dati dba? The military said na wag magbigay. Yeah, we had military escorts. I was like, whoa! "Parang secret service, haha.". They showed the first two letter threats to the military and so ayun. Kinekwento ng mom ko na looking back, parang nakakahiya daw na may sumusunod sa'yo na military kahit san magpunta. Kahit mag-grocery lang or what. Hindi ko matandaan yun, seriously. Of course, bata pa ako.

Dun pa nabaril yung asawa nung auntie ko, kapatid ng mom ko. He was just outside then a drive-by happened. I still remember that! I was in the hallway, just near outside, talking to my brother and mom. Then we heard the gun shots. Then bam! Ayun. Grabe yun. Dun na kami natulog. Sa videoke lounge. To think that all of us were there! My cousins, my brothers, everyone. Grabe yun.

I don't know when the third death threat came, before or after the incident, but it involves us, the children. Sabi dun, alam kung saan kami nag-aaral and all that. E natakot na si mommy, so sinabi niya kay dad na umalis na kami dun. E sakto, okay ang band nila kuya, may album tapos sakto pinapapunta sila dito sa Manila. So ayun, we've been here ever since. Hindi kami bumalik dun for like I don't know how many years. Mga year 2005 yata nung bumalik kami.

But even though, those were the good times. Mga Christmas Party ng clan nun, hindi ko naabutan talaga. Tapos yung bawat branch ng movie rental and video games shop namin may presentation. That was fun. I can still remember that. Sumayaw kami nun e. Kaming magpipinsan, younger ones. I was like 3 or 4 that time. Haha!

But hands down to my parents that they were able to handle all that. Nung lumipat kami dito, dala-dala nila aside from us, their children, are my four cousins(included din sa band) and my uncle, my mom's youngest brother. Alala ko nagpupunta kami ng ABS-CBN nun at kung saan-saan. Mall tours, bars and all. Those days when bars were really really popular. So bata pa lang ako, mahilig na ako magpuyat. Haha. Naalala ko dun sila sa Art's Venue sa Taft tumutugtog dati. Karamihan ng big bands that time, andun. And they were the youngest of all. Sobrang hanga ako sa mga kuya ko e. They have the talent. They have the gadgets every band would want to have. And with just one incident and should I say, person, BAM! Nasira lahat. Banda, pati na rin pagsasamahan ng fam, ALMOST. At least hindi totally. But we can't do anything about that anymore. Those were the past. It was just fun reliving all those. And I bet we learned a lot from that, all of us.

Thank God, walang nangyaring kahit ano sa 'min.
--

BTW. Do you know about the Biggest Online Dance Battle in YouTube? Holymoleeyyy, ACDC(Adam/Chu Dance Crew) PWNED Miley&Mandy BIGTIME. WTFWTF ACDC's awesomeee! They got JABBAWOCKEEZZZ!!! And Brianna Evigan, Rob Hoffman, LL, Amanda Bynes, Britanny Snow, Chris Scott, Chris Brown babyyyy! WTH. Though M&M got Channing Tatum, Crumbs, and other good dancers, FO SHOOO M&M GOT PWNED! :)) If you don't know what this is, watch this. BUT FIRST, watch the video that started it all. And the video response which got 3 million views. WATCH. THE BIGGEST ONLINE DANCE BATTLE IN YOUTUBE HISTORY. They'll rock your socks man! Haha. Can't wait what M&M Cru will come up with.

A blessed day.

Last April 23, we celebrated my Dad's birthday in our new house. Along with that is the House Blessing. So at around 10-11am, the priest arrived and after the house blessing, he ate with us. Mahaba-haba nga ang sermon niya. Haha. But it was really really nice. It was nice to bond with my family like that. The priest also told us about the Philippines, why our country is like this, etc etc, and how there is still hope for our country to rise up. Everything that's happening in our country now are just challenges. It's up to us how we're going to conquer all those challenges. The government is the one that leads, guides and controls our country, but it is really us, the people, who will make our country a better place. And how are we going to do that? Go back to where everything started, family. The family is the first school, first church, first everything. That's why family matters a lot. I have learned a lot from just one day, one day. And I love it. :)

Later on in the afternoon, our pastor friend from Cornerstone Christian Church dropped by to give the cake to my dad and he prayed us over. It was really touching. My dad cried. So as my brother, Kuya Carlos. I was nearly in tears, and so as my mom. I never felt God more than that day. I felt really blessed. Who could ever thought that that day would be that blessed? First birthday on our new home, I can feel God's presence more than ever. Pastor Fred said that "your greatest wealth is the relationship with your family." True enough. I cannot ever forget that line. He also said that no matter how many challenges had come into our lives and how many things there were that's lost and left behind, God will give us even more than what we lost. Proverbs 24:16 says, "a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again"/"No matter how often honest people fall, they always get up again; but disaster destroys the wicked." I know how much things aren't the same as they were before and how many mistakes have been made in the past, but we're almost getting to the way it has been before, only that we're coming up as better people for the betterment of everyone, especially our family. Family is priceless.

That day, I was being sad because of something or rather someone. But after everything that has happened during that day, I had no reason to be sad at all. Because I am very blessed. I am very grateful and thankful that I am with my family. And they're there for me, we will always have each other. And that friend I was being sad about, will also have my back, no matter what.

Well, some of the people who reads my blog knows who that person is.

You know this past few days, I've been... I don't, I can't explain how I'm feeling really. I just know that I miss someone. Period. And it's just that no matter how much you do things, how much you occupy yourself doing a LOT of things, in the end, the pain just comes back again. The feeling and the thinking is still there. And it really sucks. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever. Well no, not really, but it's in sleep that I'm peaceful and have nothing to think about. Maybe this will pass, just maybe. Maybe because it's summer and school's not on the way and yeah. Sigh. Why am I feeling pain? Why am I being sad? Well it's just because reality keeps slapping me in my face. Yes yes, it does. But what can I do? It's reality, I need to deal with it.

See, last night I turned off the PC earlier than what I used to, but I can't sleep and I don't want to yet. So I went to my brother's room. Nakipagkulitan. Kumain. Nag-exercise. Palakad-lakad, pabalik-balik. Then my brother asked me, "Cha? Musta?" and how the usual me would say, "Okay lang." Then tries to look okay. I just wanted to take that feeling away, and I can't explain WHAT feeling that is. I played the guitar, asked my brother what song is easy to play, he told me the chords of Always Be My Baby and there, I played it. Turned on my pc again, played it over and over. Searched for the chords of Realize by Colbie Callait, Say it again by Marie Digby and all that. My fingers hurt. But it was fine. As long as I don't feel that feeling. But after everything, it's just didn't work. It's still there. So I went to sleep at 4am. Again.

I just hate how I'm always like that. Whenever I feel something that would make me ultimately happy, I always hold it back. I always hold it back. And what does it get me? It pains me. I'm always scared to get hurt. I'm always scared to be happy. Cos every time I'm happy, I always think that there will be something that will make me sad. Gah, I don't know. I just.. blah.

Anyway, on the lighter side(lolz), I kept thinking about this conversation I had with my brother's ex. She asked me what will I do after I graduate, then I said, "job?" She said, "further studies?" Yes, I want to. But you know how life is hard nowadays. I want to go study in another art school outside the country to get a second degree or masters or whatever you call that. I just love education. I love to learn. But she said, that she thinks I can do it. And she will continue to believe in me. She's going to the U.S. later this year to I think, study again. She's in Singapore right now, studying as an Economics major. How cool is that? She said she'll help me get financial support when I really want to and I'm serious about it. And last night, I searched for the top art schools in the U.S. and I looked into The Art Institute of California and the Academy of Art University. Those are both in California, Los Angeles and California respectively. But after much surfing in both websites, I decided that I want to go to the Academy of Art University! LOLZ. But what the hell, can I ever do that? I was so overwhelmed last night when I saw all that. I don't know though. It's not a crime to dream, is it? Dream on, Cha. Dream on.

Anyway, that's about it. Thanks for everyone who commented on my layout and previous blog post! :D Much loves. :)

An-April-19-blog-post

IT'S OFFICIALLY VACATION TIME FOR ME!

Been a long long time since I went online. For almost like a month I think? So I have here a little run through of what's happened in my life for the past month:

1. We moved in to our new house in Fairview. It may be far from my school, but heck, who cares? I'm gonna make sure my sacrifices will be all worth it. Glad I'm not moving in to a new school!

2. Since we moved in to our new house, we have had delicious foods! :)) As in, seriously! I have noticed that even before but my dad said it just yesterday. Thank God for the blessings!

3. Since we moved in to our new house, our internet's bummed so I wasn't able to go online. SMARTBRO sucks. SMARTBROken. Lol. When our account expires, we'll surely gonna change our connection. We should.

4. Frosh year is over! Oh yes! I'm not a frosh anymore but a sophomore! Can you believe that? Cliche as it may sound but time flies by really fast. It's so overwhelming. So many things to do, so little time. But it would help me be responsible in managing with my time, right?

5. I passed all my subjects this term! THANK GOD! I THANK GOD SO MUCH 100x!!! You know, I was worried a hell lot about my grades in two subjects. Business Math was okay until our prof told us our standings before our final exams. I had to get half of my final exam to pass! Our Final exam only had 2 questions, all worth #(forgot) points.

And my World Literature class, well I was so worried about this. In her[my prof] class, I don't really participate. I wasn't active. And to top off, I was always late. I knew I had a low midterm grade that I didn't know. So I really studied for her final exam. It was the last resort I had to prove to her that I deserve a passing grade, at least. I knew I didn't give my best this term, especially in her class. I had to prove to her that I am so much better than what she thinks. Because I know I am. I just didn't exert much effort to make her see that, and as well as in my other subjects. I knew I wasn't in my best form. I guess I had to be in the danger zone first to make me realize how I was and how I did. I should have done my part at the start of the term, but I didn't. I ultimately learned the hard way.

And because of that, I ultimately promised myself that I will do much much better next time. Better than what I had been, better than what I am. I hope I will be able to do that, and not just eat my words at the end of the term, again asking God for another chance to make things right. No, I hope not. God might not give me another chance to do so because I knew I had the chance already and didn't use it well.

6. GRADES GRADES GRADES.
COMSK2x - 3.0 Our Project Plan proposal presentation went really well and I worked hard on my video resume.
PETWODA - 3.0 Heck, why the hell my grade is 3.0? It's the only P.E. class yet that I wasn't able to get a 4.0! To think it was Dance! WTF? I wasn't able to get it myself so I wasn't able to question her about it. Anyway, it's fine. Well, no it isn't. I believe I deserve more than a 3.0, maybe a 3.5 will do. But I don't know.
PHILOMA - 2.5 Well I guess I deserve this grade. :) Hooray for one PHILOMA prof for the cheats! I guess everyone knew the answers for the matching type and true or false(alternate answers).
RECONSE - 3.5 WHOA! I was surprised to know that I got 3.5 for this subject. Not that I don't deserve it, I just didn't expect to get this grade. I got 3.0 for the midterms and I managed to get this. How cool was that? :))
FILIP13 - 2.5 It's kinda okay. I got a 3.0 for the midterms and I guess I deserve this one. Maybe I didn't get a high score in my final exams.
BMAT2x- 2.0! That would be equal to 80-84. Would you believe mehnnn?! I was just praying for a 1.0! A passing grade! But I got a 2.0 instead! How ultimately cool was that man? :))
WORLITE- 1.5 Okay, I am happy that I got this grade at least! I got a missed call from my prof and that meant that I need to pass a poster-like work to pull up my grade. I will make an artwork about one story we discussed and how I understood it in class. A catchy by-line is required too, just like what we did in our poster activity in class. I had it printed on A4 and had it laminated. My friends were miss called too. We were really scared. I rushed the poster I did 'cause my prof called at around 12:30-1:00-ish in the morning and I was already asleep then. I woke up at 10:30am! And my phone was bombarded with my friends' text messages. I called them and they were already at school. So I made the poster for like 2 hours and arrived at school at around 3pm. So yeah, we waited for like an hour because our prof wasn't there yet. I thought I'm going to be there for only 30 minutes but add an hour on that, so my brothers waited for me at McDo for about 1 and a half hour. Oopsie. :)) My prof told me that I passed the final exam and told me that maybe I studied for the exam :)) Well I did, really. So yeah. Here's my work btw. :o

Again, it's a vector. The first vector is recycled. The second and third one, well, I got their pictures from my brother's wedding. LOL. I've been addicted to doing vectors lately. I did it for only two hours 'cause I was rushing so it's not so good.

7. My dad's birthday is coming up! It's on Wednesday. It turns out that Ate Lhyn[my cousin's wife] and Ate Gem's[family friend] daughter is also celebrating their birthday on the same day! So we're gonna celebrate it here in our new home! That would be really fun! First birthday on our new house. The house blessing will be on that day too. I'm gonna post a lot of pictures if I can take a lot. :)

8. NEW LAYOUT! How do you like it? :)

So that's it.

I missed a lot in the web world and as well as in the blogosphere. I missed reading your blogs! I'm surely going to keep up with everything. Ohyay.

Not-so-holy-week.

Last night was the most FUNNEST night I ever had since I don't know when! SRSLY! It was an unexpected get-together, or night out as you may call it.

But anyway, I'm going to start off with my day. First, Mom, Dad and I went to Fairview to check when we can already move some things in the house. Probably, by Monday we can start moving things already since maybe by that time, some parts of the house are already fixed. They said we should already be there on the 31st. I am soo excited! Yep, I am excited now. Haha. Man, it's a lot of work! I saw my room too! It's bigger than my room now. Hooray! I can't wait to decorate and design it, lol. I hope they would allow me to paint it with the color I want to. The only thing I can say about the house is, WOW. I can now imagine the Christmas Party we could have there. We can run around for the relay game. :)) Sobrang init din kahapon, grabe. Mabaliw na yata ako dun. Lakad lang ako ng lakad, paikot-ikot. Hinintay pa kasi namin si kuya Raymond kasama si Ate Therese. When they came, we toured them around the house. Then after, we went to San Benissa to check out Ate Therese's condo unit. We just saw the model unit since the way to her building is still under construction. Ang ganda sobra sa San Benissa! Spanish-inspired nga. I felt like I was in Spain! SRSLYYYY! It was a cute community. Haha, cute. :)) Parang American way of living. Bumili pa kami ng inumin since sobrang uhaw na kami at napakain pa tuloy ng La Paz Batchoy. Haha. We left around 6-ish.

Tapos, napag-alaman kong pupunta pala sila Kuya sa SM para manood ng sine. Ayun, napasama tuloy ako. We watched Meet the Spartans. Laugh trip. Pero di ko masyado nagustuhan na as in super. Di namin naabutan yung first 20 minutes kasi kumain pa kami sa Pizza Hut. But it wasn't the real reason though. Ate Therese and I went to the comfort room which was on the 3rd floor. After, we saw this big black circle and we got curious what's it for. It was asking which is faster to go down, 25-cents, 1-peso or 5-peso. LOL. Promise, sinasayang lang nila ang pera niyo. :)) 5-peso was fastest. LOL. Parang sira lang. Law of gravity chuva daw, ngek. :)) Because of that, we were late. :)) So then, we left SM at 10-ish.

Kuya Jeff invited Ate Therese and Kuya to go to their gig at Mugen, Metrowalk even before we got at SM. I think we weren't supposed to go at Mugen though, but my brother got pissed about something that I don't know what. So we went. I was like, WHAT?! :)) I was wearing a shirt, capri pants and slippers. It was really unexpected. I said, if I would have known that they were going there, I wouldn't come. But after everything, I take that back. I KNEW I SHOULD BE THERE. :)) I would definitely miss the half of my 2008 if I didn't go!

Sobrang sobrang fun talaga! Lahat kami parang 1st time ulit to go in a bar(with bands ah) after we don't know when. Ako siguro nung... basta di ko na matandaan, alam ko simula nung wala na sila kuya. I was surprised that Kuya Carlos was there with them too. Haha. So lahat kaming magkakapatid nandun(except for Kuya Ian of course, 'cause he's in Davao). Wudyubeliv. Along with, Ate Gem, Ate Lhyn, Kuya Sonny and Kuya Ces. So there were 8 of us.

Sa bands kasi, usually 3rd set sila nagpapa-jam. Laging sinasabi ni Kuya Jeff na may magj-jam from Pure Instinct simula pa nung 1st at 2nd set nila. Syempre, na-excite naman kaming lahat kasi sobrang na-miss namin silang mag-perform! Sinasabi ko lagi kay Ate Therese during that time, "Nakakamiss yung ganito." Kasi laging sila(Pure Instinct) ang pinapanood namin 'pag lumalabas. Ngayon, sila na ang kasama namin pag nanonood.. ng ibang banda. :(

Third set came and the jamming started. OHYE. Nung tinawag na si Kuya Amon to play the guitar, and another guy, a Korean, to play the bass, we were all like screaming our lungs out! SOBRA. Lalo naman nung nag-perform na si Kuya. TALAGA NAMAN MEHN. Hataw! They played Play that Funky Music. OMG GRABE TALAGA. FANS CLUB KAMI! :)) After, sigawan talaga! Si Ate Therese ang haba ng hair. Hahaha. Sabi naman ni Kuya Amon, napansin daw niya nung adlib na, bumagal daw siya. Taeng bumagal yan, ayos nga yung pag-perform niya dun. Bumagal pa ang kamay niya sa lagay na yun. Sayang hindi niya ginawa yung exhibition na ginagawa nila ni kuya Ian, yung ilalagay sa likod yung gitara. IDOL TALAGA! It would have been better though if both of them were there, but of course it's not possible.

Akala namin yun na, tapos na, na si kuya Amon lang ang magj-jam. Pero syempre I was hoping na magj-jam pa si Kuya Sonny at Kuya Carlos. When the band said na one more jammer to go, sumigaw si ate Therese, "SONNY! CARLOS!". Sabi ni Kuya Jeff, "Oo, two more pa pala." Sigawan kameeee. :)) Hahaha. Tapos nung tinawag na sila, we were telling them, "Go na! Goooo!" E si Kuya Sonny medyo wala na sa katinuan, haha. Hindi naman, kaya naman, sabog lang siya. :))

Pag-akyat nila ng stage, kwento nila kuya, di daw nila alam anong song yung ip-perform nila, tapos nagulat na lang sila na Bring Me to Life yun. Haha. Edi go. SOBRANG sigaw kami ng sigaw dun! Ang ingay namin! Kami yung pinaka-maingay. Haha. Tapos si Ate Therese sumisigaw, "Magbalikan na kayo! Wala na akong gimik!" :)) Totoo naman e, simula nung wala na sila, hindi na talaga nakakalabas. Sobrang tuwang-tuwa at masayang-masaya ako after. Nag-hug pa nga sila pagtapos e. :D Aw. Sayang hindi kumpleto. Pero okay lang, sobrang masaya naman kasi after how many months, nakita namin sila ulit mag-perform! Si Kuya Jeff nga, hindi siya kasama sa song, nakaupo lang sa tabi, di niya napigilang mapatayo at pumunta rin ng stage e. At some point, I knew they will miss what they were doing for almost 12 years of their lives. And we, also missed them. Sayang kasi talaga. They're still young and they're great at what they do. And with just that, everything fell apart. It was really really sad. I had a hard time accepting that 'cause all my life(srsly!), I've been used to seeing them perform a lot. They were my idols. I seriously don't know how they do it, they're really really good. And I'm not telling this because they're my brothers/cousins. It's because they really are good. Sobrang proud ako tuwing nakikita ko silang mag-perform. Sabi nga ni Kuya Sonny nun, "Nasa dugo natin yan 'tol". Every Wednesday tumutugtog sila Kuya Jeff dun. Btw, Kuya Jeff is my brother's ex-bandmate and Kuya Amon's high school friend, bestfriend. Sabi nila, dapat daw every Wednesday ganun. Then kami yung Wednesday group. :)) Haha.

I can't wait to see them perform again. I plan to make them perform on my debut next year, if ever possible. I would ultimately love that. :D And at last, kagabi rin! NAKITA KO NA RIN SUMAYAW SI KUYA CARLOS! :)) WAHAHAHA. :)) After the jamming kasi, the band played dance songs. Una, nakaupo pa si kuya dun, then I don't remember sinong humila sa kanya para tumayo, then ayun, napasayaw na rin. OHYE. :)) Hahaha. Ang saya, lahat kami sumasayaw nun. Since walang dance floor, dun sa may table. Haha. Nakahilera kami dun na para bang kami lang yung tao. We went home at around 3 to 4-ish. Sumabay ako kila Kuya Ces since andun si Kuya Carlos, they dropped us off at Quezon Ave. since his car was there, wala kasi siyang kasama mag-drive pauwi so ako na lang. Nag-drive thru pa kami sa jollibee. When we got home, mom and dad was awake. :)) Tapos ayun, nagkwentuhan kami sa kwarto nila while eating. I love those moments, it's priceless. :) These moments are priceless. :)

--
Btw, thanks for all your comments guys. <3 style="font-style: italic;">3 and a half years lang dun, tri-sem kasi. Mag-2nd year na siya e, konti na lang graduate na." And I was telling my mom when we were in the house, "Napalayo naman ako." She said, "Okay lang, kelangan lang maaga gumising." So yeah. YEEE. :D

I don't know what to do.

At last, they told me.

Lilipat kami ng bahay. Mas malayo, sa Fairview na. Malaki raw. Ang mga kwarto namin malaki, lahat may banyo. May terrace, may mapagpapractice-an ng sayaw, at lahat lahat na. Nung nakita raw ng kuya ko, isa lang raw nasabi niya, mansion.

Dun pala sila pumunta kanina, habang ako naghihintay sa Convergy's para sunduin nila. Galing ako ng TriNoma kanina then my friend dropped me off there. Sabi tumambay muna ako ng Starbucks, pero dahil naisipan kong wag na lang dahil mapapagastos nanaman ako, sa Ministop na lang. Matagal e, kaya naglakad na lang ako pauwi. Tutal kaya ko naman. Akala ko nandun si kuya, pero nalaman kong magkakasama pala silang lahat.

Grabe. Grabe talaga.

Nagsimba kami dahil Palm Sunday. After, we went to Pancake House sa Convergys. There, they told me. At last.

Hindi ko alam bakit hindi nila agad sinabi sa akin. Hindi ko malalaman kung hindi dahil sa kuya ko. Sinabi lang niya na 'wag ko ipaalam kila Mom na sinabi niya sa 'kin. Bakit ayaw nilang ipaalam sa akin? Bakit ayaw nilang malaman ko? Even if malalaman ko rin naman in the long run?

Ganun naman lagi eh. It seems like I don't have any right to know what's happening? Am I not part of the family? Because, really, everyone knows but me! And you know how much that sucks? It sucks big time. And my dad was saying that I am innocent? Grabe. He doesn't know that I know then. I may not know everything that's happening but I am not stupid to not have any clue on what are they doing. They make me look like I'm stupid. I just wanted them to tell me. Everytime I'm there, they're not talking about it. If I'm not there, they talk a lot. It's painful. It feels like they don't want me to grow up. And maybe they thought I would not understand. I will be so disappointed if that will be their reason. I am so disappointed that they think of me that way. Maybe they don't really know me. Grabe.

Now, that's fine with me because they already told me. Even if it took so much time before they told me. Okay the house is big. I've always dreamt of a house big enough for me. I should be happy and be jumping up and down now. But I'm not.

Lilipat rin daw ako ng school. Sobrang nagulat ako dun. Hindi ko alam kung nagbibiro sila o hindi. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang tuloy o hindi. Pero that trigerred me to just blow up and cry right then and there at Pancake House. But I held it back, I don't want them to see me cry and I don't want people to see me cry really hard there. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Gusto nila akong lumipat either UP or Ateneo(my bro said this). Mas okay di ba? Pero hindi eh. Tinanong ako ng dad ko kung matataas daw ba ang grades ko. Tapos mag-inquire din daw kami sa UP about transferring. And other stuff like that. Natulala na lang ako. Wala akong masabi. Maiyak-iyak na ako. Alam kong mas okay, pero... hindi talaga e. Walang MMA dun. Gusto ko sa MMA. I don't want to leave my CSB friends. CSB has been my turf. It's where I am happy and comfortable with. My friends are superb and I am very lucky to have them in my life. Akala ko okay na lahat when I told them na dun ko gusto mag-aral. Akala ko wala nang mangyayaring ganito. But really, life plays with you when you least expect it.

You know, I never imagined myself to be in CSB and taking up MMA then because it's far from where I live. But now that I'm there, I don't want to leave anymore. It's where I now imagined myself to be in for the next 2 or 3 years. Nung nalaman ko yun, parang lahat ng yun, biglang naglaho. It all shattered into pieces. My dreams, my heart, everything. Every little thing I imagined, every dream I had, every bit of myself was just shattered.

Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari 'to, edi sana hindi na ako nag-aral dun dba? Edi sana hindi ko na lang pinaglaban 'to. Sayang naman yung tatlong terms ko. Kung ayaw nila kung nasaan ako, kung ayaw nilang umalis at lumabas ako, kung nahihirapan sila, sabihin nila. Dahil ayoko ring nahihirapan sila dahil sa 'kin. Kaya ko naman e.

Lahat may paraan.

Sabi ko na nga ba dapat kumuha na lang ako ng scholarship noon. Kung dahil sa tuition, dahil alam kong napakamahal talaga at tri-sem pa, may paraan naman para diyan e. Scholarship. Naging open naman ako sa kanila about dyan, sabi nila okay lang. Okay lang na hindi kumuha, okay lang kung kumuha. Kung dahil sa layo, may paraan pa rin, commute! Hindi nila kelangang araw-araw akong ihatid at sunduin sa school. Kasi kakayanin ko namang mag-commute e. They just won't let me kaya iniisip ko rin na hindi ko kaya. I was willing to commute. I was willing to do everything just to be in CSB. Tapos ngayon, ganito? Sana hindi ko na lang talaga pinaglaban. Kasi in the first place, I knew na gusto talaga nila na sa UP ako mag-aral. Pero sorry hindi ako nakapasa. Akala ko kakayanin kong iwan ang CSB para sa UP. Pero hindi e.

Dapat maging masaya ako na malaki na ang lilipatan naming bahay. Pero hindi ako masaya. Aanhin ko ang malaking bahay kung hindi naman ako masaya? Mas mahalaga sa akin kung saan ako masaya. Mas mahalaga sa akin ang pangarap ko. Walang ibang nago-offer ng MMA kundi CSB lang. May APC rin naman pero malayo rin yun. Ganun din. Alam kong maraming alternatives, maraming pwedeng gawin. Pero hindi eh, hindi talaga. Kasi MMA ang gusto ko. Fit na fit sa 'kin yun e. Lahat ng gusto kong gawin nandun. Pwede akong mag-Information Design sa Ateneo, e ano, mas mahal naman ang tuition! Pwede akong mag-CommArts sa UP, pero ayoko ng CommArts. Hindi niyo siguro ako maiintindihan kasi wala kayo sa pwesto ko pero eto nararamdaman ko e.

Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Kasi hindi ko maiwasang isipin na magiging selfish ang dating ko pag ganito, pag sarili ko lang ang iisipin ko. Alam kong nahihirapan sila, pero nahihirapan din ako. Mga kapatid ko ayos lang sa kanila e. Bakit? Kasi graduate na silang lahat! Yung kuya ko, ggraduate na ngayong March. Ako na lang natitira. At lahat naman sila nagwwork sa business namin. Kasi dun nila gusto. Pero may iba akong gusto e, may iba akong pangarap. May iba akong gustong gawin. Hindi ako magaling kumanta o tumugtog ng instrumento, pero mahilig ako sa musika. Hindi ako magaling sa sounds at lighting, pero marunong akong mag-appreciate. Hindi ako katulad nila. I didn't turn out to what they expect and what they want me to be. Because I have my own mind, own dreams, own thinking. Shouldn't they be proud that I know what I want and what I want to be? Shouldn't they be proud that I am capable of deciding for myself?

Sayang e, nandito na ako, aalis pa ako.

So tell me, am I being selfish? If I tell them this, am I being selfish?

A lot of questions are running through my mind. Gusto kong malaman ang mga sagot. Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko ngayon. Nalulungkot ako. Naguguluhan ako.

Anong dahilan? Bakit nangyayari 'to ngayon? Bakit nangyayari 'to? :((

First day and loved ones.

So yeah, classes already started! We're now on our 3rd term and it's my first time being deblocked. I miss my block, DV6. I have different blockmates in every subject now but I have blockmates in one subject that are also my blockmates in other subjects. And even if I have 4 of my friends with me, still it's different when you really know the people in your class. It's like I'm starting college all over again. I guess I had a hard time letting go of my high school years. The first two terms are just like extension of my high school days. I got scared at first but in the long run, I got used to it. And it seems like it's hard to let go all over again. It's hard to adjust and accept change. But it's just the way it is. Maybe like what I felt then, got scared and in the long run, get used to this deblocking thing. My brother said being deblocked is nicer because you get to meet a lot of people. But I'm not that friendly! Lol. Maybe I am, but I'm a shy person. Haha. :p Anyway, damnit this kind of seemed dramatic! Hahaha. It's not supposed to be, okay? Haha.

Anyway, my first day was okay. I have P.E., which is Dance, as my first subject. It's okay. I just hope we reach the Modern Dance part which is hiphop or street dance. Nyahaha. I really really really miss dancing! Anyway, we have folk dances first. Grrr. T_T I thought I was done with that back in elementart with all the field demo thing. Hahaha. The next is ballroom which is okay too 'cause I got to dance waltz and swing back in high school for the prom. And my mom taught me cha-cha before 'cause I remember back then she was a ballroom dancer. Haha. We were dismissed earlier than our time so we spent our time in the study area. We found some of our DV6 blockmates there. We hanged out and it was really fun. Super laugh trip! We were really loud! I hope there's one subject that our classmates are mostly DV6 but I guess that's not going to happen for me or for us. T_T Although it happened to our other DV6 blockmates because there's this one subject that almost half of the class are DV6. Aghh. Super saya nila! I miss them. But anyway, it's okay. There's a next time! :p

Then we went to our Reconse class. I like this class. We had an activity about getting to know our blockmates by passing paper around and ah basta! Yun na yun. Haha. The class looks fun. After, we had our break. We were supposed to eat at Mcdo but there were a lot of people so we went to KFC instead. My 2 HS batchmates/3rd term classmates went with us and most of us are DV6. My blockmates know them especially my Harry-Potter-looking classmate. Haha. But I haven't introduced the other one to them except dun sa dalawa din naming kasama sa subjects.

After eating, Kevin(Harry Potter, lol), Camae and I went to the dorm of our batchmates just at the back of our school. I missed them! Especially Jhem! Super laugh trip din! I'm looking forward to another reunion this year. And most of my batchmates are turning 18 this year so most probably I'm going to see them often. :D

Then after we went to our COMSK2x class which I found boring because I was getting really sleepy. But the weird thing was my heartbeat was really fast even before the class started and I thought I was just tensed but it continued until the class ended. I don't know why. I don't get nervous with things like those. Kinakabahan lang ako pag may mangyayari na hindi ko alam or what. Basta, mahirap i-explain. Basta may feeling lang ako sa mga bagay bagay. Haha. So after that class, Business Math was next, in the same classroom. I like the class too. I don't know why but maybe because of the prof and the people. Then my brother texted me and said that I go out once our class ends because he's already outside waiting. Ang aga! Haha.

My brother and I were having fun while on the way to the office but I kind of slept a bit when we were near the office already. Tapos tinanong ni mommy si kuya kung anong oras niya susunduin si Ate Therese, girlfriend niya. Then she said that we should go home right after my bro picks Ate Therese from their office because she's going to say something to my dad because she can't say it to him on the phone. She can't have the courage to tell it to him on the phone. And my bro and I were like, "ano yun?"

See, my uncle, my dad's brother was in the hospital since ermm, I don't know when. Maybe December last year. He's not in good condition. He had a heart attack or something. And things were fine as New Year started because from what I know, he was brought back home or hmm, I'm not really sure. Pero alam ko naging okay naman kasi bumalik ng Davao yung pinsan ko na anak niya at wife ng pinsan ko. Then my uncle was brought back to the hospital and ayun, bumalik agad ulit sila. So they were all there. Yesterday, when we went to church for the Sunday mass, I even prayed for them. But I guess this was really going to happen and all of them there were already ready of what may happen because the doctor already said that my uncle isn't in good shape. So... my uncle passed away kaninang hapon. When my mom said that our uncle passed away, me and my bro were like, "ano?!" It's kind of shocking, sad and kind of hard to accept. Grabe. Then I asked my mom, "anong oras?" She said, "Sinabi sakin kaninang mga 3:30 pero siguro nangyari yun earlier." Then it made me think, sobrang kinakabahan ako ng walang rason since 2:30 until our class ended ng 3:30. I was like, "grabe." May times kasi na kinakabahan lang ako pag may mangyayari talaga na unexpected or di ko gusto or what.

The last time I saw him was when we went to Cotabato last September I think. We even stayed at their house. Just like what happened to my aunt. She died last year and before that, I last saw her when we went to General Santos and even stayed at their house. Lahat sila may mga last times ako with them tapos recent pa. Just even before they pass away. Even when my grandmother in my mother's side passed away, I didn't expect her to go that year, 2006. They even stayed here in Manila for how many months then as summer came, they went back to Cotabato para ayusin yung mga things para sa wedding ng uncle ko, the youngest in their family. She was even there in my first JS Prom. And just like that, bam! She passed away even before my uncle got married. It was sad really. People in our clan passed away for 3 consecutive years. 2006. 2007. 2008. T_T Sana lang hindi siya masundan agad next year. T_T

Christmas Party 2008.

We just had our Christmas Party. Yeah, on the 29th of December. I know, it's late. But it's still a party. Whatever you call it, a Christmas or a New Year Party. It was fun, as always, because it's a family Christmas Party. There are like 6 families who went, all are family friends or barkada, cousins, whatever. At last, we're all complete now. Last year, my brothers, cousin and uncle(and my dad, too) weren't here because they were at Davao and had some gig for almost one month so they didn't spend Christmas with us. We knew it was going to be a lonely one because there were only 3 of us-- me, my mom and my tita. Because of that, we thought of organizing a Christmas party for everyone who was left over here at Manila. That was way back when things weren't too complicated yet.. and chaotic. Thank God that everything is almost going nice now.

So, last year, the whole band and my dad weren't here, and of course, we miss them because the group isn't complete without them. So for us to have some fun and not have a blue Christmas, we had our Christmas party. It was uber fun that we did it again. Tonight. Just tonight. It had the same people from last year. Our family friend, Kuya Ces and Ate Gem with their kids(there are 4 of them, I think. Two with the almost the same age as mine and two little kids. The little kids were uber cute! Very Chinese! Hehehe). My cousin's family, Kuya Sonny and Ate Lhyn with their only child for now, Ska, who is 7 years old. My cousin's neighbor who also became a family friend, Kuya Otoy and Ate Sheila with their kids(who are sooo kulit!). My uncle Arthur and Auntie Sherriz who doesn't have a child yet because they just got married last year, I think? Yeah, right! My brother Kuya Ian and his wife, Ate Liza who just got married last September and of course, us, our family. Our family was all wearing red. My Kuya Raymond is wearing white though because his girlfriend, Ate Therese, is also wearing white. Some wore yellow, green, and brown. The red team was winning though. Hehe.








Last year's Christmas Party at Philam Homes. Same people, only bigger because my brother's and the others are now here.

Last year, we spent the Christmas Party at our house at Philam but since we already left there, we spent it at our house in Commonwealth. I was shocked because there were lights(just a spotlight) and sound system! LOL. We even said, "Hindi kaya mabulabog mga kapit-bahay natin neto? Hahaha!" The staff and crew of Sound Chaser¹ were also there, btw.

It was really fun because we were complete and all of us participated in the parlor games. Yeah, we had that! Haha. There were like almost 6 or 5 games. Our all-time favorite game, Pinoy Henyo! There was also yung game na palalamugin yung talong(for all singles! Too bad I didn't win, I was 2nd though. Haha). Then an imbento game called "Isubo mo, Darling". LOL! It was for couples. They were both blindfolded and they're gonna make subo(haha, anong english ng subo? lol) the banana to each other. It was SOO FUNNY!!! :)) Then, the stop dance game for kids and their fathers. And the last game was the relay game! It was really fun because most people got to participate. Damn, we lost! BOO-HOO!!! We were ahead of the other team first! But because of me, YEAH RIGHT!! LOL. I was to blow the flour in the paper plate and under it, there's a word that we're gonna say then after, grab a flag inside the basin full of water which says WINNER. YUN YON! Dun ako natagalan! Langya. The paper was really sticky! I had a hard time taking the plastic off too! So there, we lost. BOO-HOO! But it was fun. I think it was my first time blowing the flour. I was coughing and the flour was all over me! My face, my hands, my shirt and my pants! Damnit. LOL. But it was really fun.

After the games, we had our exchange gifts. I got a bag! Yay! Lol, I got like 3 or 4 bags as a gift this Christmas. It's okay, at least, I have bags man!! I can't get enough of it. Especially school bags. Lol. I hoped that my mom, dad or my Kuya Carlos(2nd bro) picked my name but they didn't. Well, why? Because their gifts are the mugs from Starbucks! I wanted one! I picked my uncle's name, Uncle Arthur, so he got a Starbucks mug, too. Lol. Dapat kasi 300php up and we can't think of anything else to give. Because we didn't know who we will exchange gifts to until the time for our exchange gifts so we had to buy a unisex gift.

They're still downstairs. The adults are playing cards and drinking, hmm, wine or Matador? Lol. I don't know. Usually I join them, but they didn't invite me over so I didn't go. The kids are still here, too. They're playing, I guess. Their voices, both the adults and kids, can be heard from over here and I'm at the 3rd floor. That's how noisy they are. I can't find anything to do so I ate again, read the book my Kuya Carlos gave me as a gift(For One More Day by Mitch Albom), and now I'm typing this blog post. I don't know what made me type this long post to think that I am lazy to blog these days. So I think it has been a long time since I made a real update.

Anyway, these kind of events and parties make me want to have a DSLR so much. I want to be the one capturing the moments. I also want our video cam be fixed because I, too, want to be the one recording the moments that can never happen again the same way. I'm having fun doing it. But anyway, it will happen. I know, it will. :D

And oh yeah, sometimes I think my family doesn't really know me well. I mean, they may see the me I am showing them, but they don't see the me when I am with my friends. Well, we all act differently when we're with family and with friends. But still, it's the same us. Isn't it? I just think I can't really show to my family what I am showing to my friends because it's inappropriate. Anyway, they still think of me as the shy and quiet person. Well yeah, I am shy but I have changed a lot in terms of self-esteem and confidence but they don't see it. I am quiet, but I am also really really talkative. So I have to exert more effort now for them to see how much I have changed, for the better? I don't know. I just don't know. I guess they have just so much expectation of me that I can't meet their standards. I know they have high expectations of me, I really know it. I can tell. Sometimes it's making me feel frustrated and feel that I am not enough, that what I am doing isn't enough. I know I shouldn't feel that way and I shouldn't think that way because they're family and they accept me for whatever and whoever I am. But yeah, what can I do? It's how I feel, and sometimes think. It makes me want to be alone at times because I don't want to hear my brothers talking to me, my mom and my dad talking and talking about stuffs that I should do and whoever I am not. You know? Agh. This post just turned into a rant. This is supposed to be about the Christmas Party, supposed to be a happy post.

And this has turned to be a really long one. Thanks for reading, anyway. I'm going to return to reading For One More Day. And I hope, I will finish whatever I need to finish this vacation. I have much to do yet I am not doing it and I haven't finished doing it. I have the tendency to start off a thing and not finish it because I get lazy. Just like what I am doing for my year-ender for this blog. I want to finish it but I am lazy to. Grr.

Anyway, bye. :)

¹ Sound Chaser is a lights and sound system rental, sales and installations for concerts, events, and the like owned by my family.