I'm way too cool for you, boy.

Yey okay so I'm blogging again. My body hurts, not so much but still it hurts. Haha. Prolly from the practice last Sunday but it's all good. It's fun anyway.

So every Sunday I go to Celebrity for Myca's cotillion practice for her debut on the 25th. And every Sunday I see my HS friends and hang out with them. It's all cooool. Last Sunday, I thought I was late already cos the practice is supposed to be at 2pm. I came 2:30 but when I got there, they weren't there in the usual practice spot yet. I called Nancy and she said she's still at their house. Haha. So when I went back downstairs, I saw Ryan coming from a cab. Then we went to the eating area near the pool and yesss they were there. Myca wasn't there yet though, only the choreographers, the organizer and Eins and Kevin. So they told us to order food while waiting. This is what I like eh, free food everytime. Haha. I ordered spaghettiiii cos I noticed I kept ordering fetuccine carbonarra everytime so for a change naman. :]]

Then the others came already and by maybe 3 or 3:30 we were all complete. I didn't get to practice much with the cotillion group cos we started practicing the hiphop dance already! I wasn't expecting that! Haha. And we were only 6 in the group! I thought we'd be more than that! Gah. 3 guys and 3 girls. I kind of get conscious cos I'm with Myca and Nancy, and they're both great dancers! But meee? ME??? No no no. No wayy. But it was a lot of funnn though. Just like Myca said, "Parang dati lang.." True enough. Hehe. I missed dancing with them. My brother did the mix for our dance so he got paid for it :]] May pera nanaman ang loko, haha. The songs are Shake your pompom, Candyman, Move shake drop, The potion, Superhuman, Bounce and I think they're adding one more song which is Feedback. Yeah, the songs left for steps are superhuman bounce and feedback. Few to gooo! :] I love it! :D I just hated my 3/4 pants that time cos it was loose! Argh. So anyways, I loved the steps for Move, shake, drop most! Haha. Candyman's was so cute. :]]

Click here(tumblr) or here(imeem) to hear the remix ;) Made by my brobroooo. :)

After, we had a break then went to practice cotillion like twice or thrice. Then went back to hiphop to finish some of the choreography. I was kind of losing energy that time so I was kind of not myself and I kept on forgetting the steps. Haha. And thennnn, we went to eat downstairs. We were usually eating in the eating area near the pool but that time, we went inside the restaurant. We had it all by ourselves. Haha. May videoke pa. Ate Mai(Myca's organizer) told us that everyone should sing! BUT NOOOO, YOU CANNOT EVER MAKE ME SING IN PUBLIC. Hahaha! Luckily, my brother fetched me before the mic went to me. It was a lot of fun! Myca's sisters were soooo makulit. But very sweet and cute. Hehe.

I'm looking forward again next Sunday. It's our last practice before Myca's debut so yeah. On the 24th though, we'll practice on Diamond Hotel already for polishing and stuff. Then, we're going to stay there for the night already since the one who will make us up is the same one who will do Myca's I think. I already had my dress fitted last Saturday(which was a super long but fun dayyyy with my brother and his gf) since I can't make it yesterday and come with them. It's not finished yet and there are a few adjustments with the length and the back corset.

And oh, did I tell youuuuu guysss!!! Since it's going to be a 'fashion show' kind of theme, there's a ramp where models you know, strut their stuff. Haha. Last Sunday, I asked Myca who the models will be and she said, "Kayo." I was like, "WHATTTT?!?!" WALANGHIYAAAA!!! =)) Didn't expect that wth! She told me before that those who wants to model will be the ones who will be in the fashion show. And now, it's going to be ussss? Ohcmonnnn. :)) Shy meeeee. :| This is going to be challenging. And I bet, fun? Haha.

So yeah. I just thought of blogging these fun stuff. ;) I'll go nowww I have to be at school earlier than usual later since I have to pass my COMGRAP project 01 hybrids. WOULD YOU BELIEVE I OVERSLEPT YESTERDAY?!?!?!?! I wasn't able to go to my first classss! GAH I HATE IT. I wasn't myself when I woke up and it was already 12:30! Ohdude, srsly! I was panicking! LOL. But fortunately my prof allowed us to submit the hybrids until tomorrow from 8-11am. So I have to be there before 11am!

Byebyeeee.

Diskarte lang.

Don't worry bro, even before I decided to go and push through with this, I know exactly what I'm doing and where I'm going.

We were on our way home, actually we were almost near home when my brother asked me about studies and all. If I'm learning something and such. Of course I said yes, which is the truth. He asked if I will be able to use everything I'm learning when I step into the real world and I said, "probably not all." I've heard that from my eldest brother then that I won't get to use everything I'll learn in school 'cos yeah most of the other things, we do learn by ourselves and like they say, "diskarte lang."

Then he said, "Tinuturuan ka ba nila pano kumita ng pera?" and I said, "Hindi." Diskarte na natin yun after we graduate e, di ba? He said, "Ako, graduate ako ng UP pero ano nakuha ko dun? Wala din. Dba? 6 years ako nag-aral. Kung alam ko lang na dito ako mapupunta sa business na 'to(which is a family business, sound system) edi sana ini-spend ko na lang yung 6 years kong yun para pag-aralan yung mga pinag-aaralan ko pa lang ngayon. If ever, 10 years na sana ako nags-soundsystem/set-up."

And he asked me, "Ikaw ba, kunwari sa December gagraduate ka na, after nun ano balak mong gawin?" And I couldn't answer him yet. He asked, "Di ba less than 2 years, graduate ka na. Sa ilang taon na inaral mo, pag grumaduate ka na pano mo mababayaran yung pinagpaaral sa'yo pag nagkatrabaho ka na?" Again, I couldn't answer 'cause I was thinking of the best way to answer him. He again asked, "After niyan ano bang trabaho ang gagawin mo?" Then finally I said, "Usually kasi pag samin graduate ka, napupunta ka sa mga advertising, or magiging graphic artist or web designer ng isang company." He asked, "Yung mga prof mo ba ganun lang din ginagawa nila? Magkano ang bayad sa ganun?" These are not all the exact words but the essence is there. And he asked a question or two until we finally reached the gate of our house. The conversation ended there.

You see, wanting to study in CSB and take up Multimedia Arts was not just something I decided impulsively or like in a spur of the moment. Just because I wanted it, I immediately told them that 'this is what I want... blah blah'. No. I was so torn because one, CSB is so very far from where I live. Second, the tuition is expensive added to that is the tri-semestral curriculum of the college. Third, my parents won't allow me to commute and so my brothers will be the one who will drive me to and fro school. Fourth, they wanted me in UST because it's nearer. I considered all these and everything else. What they would feel, what I would feel, the risks I'm going to take and of rejection and everything elseeee. I thought through everything before I went and said it to them. I was so emotional during that time. I thought things through because I wanted so badly to take up MMA and if they won't allow me to, I thought of things that would convince them. And if they won't allow me still, then okay. I'll stop. But fortunately, after I said it to my brothers then they said it to mom&dad, they thought things through too. I waited patiently and prayed to God that they'd finally come to their decision and realize that this is what I want and I know what I want.

My brothers and I are very different when it comes to the courses they took up in college. My two brothers took up Business Management and the other one took up BA History. They took it because well, Bus.Mgnt. since we have a family business and History, because my brother was late on enrollment and the course he wanted to take which was Music was I think in quota so he had no choice but to choose those that are non-quota. I, on the other hand, always knew that this was what I always wanted to do. And I see myself doing this, being a multimedia artist. I never pictured myself being in the family business and such. That's why I was so bummed when my dad told me to pick a course in UST, when I was in Academic Placement, that would be in line to our business. I unwillingly chose Commerce, which I got in to, and another was I.T., which I never really got the chance to see if I ever got in. I remember last year when my brother once said while we were eating, "Grabe si Cha 'tol no, tayo basta maka-graduate lang, siya alam niya talaga gusto niya." And I was proud of myself for knowing that I do know what I want to do.

I may not know what I would exactly do after I graduate but I know that it's related to anything multimedia.

Our society would always belittle those courses which is related to the arts department. Let's face it, they always do. And I feel that whenever my relatives or even family friends ask me what my course is and what I would do after. They'd just go, "Ahh." I know Multimedia Arts is new to the country and only few people know about this. But without us(I'm saying multimedia artists included are photographers, filmmakers, graphic artists, webdesigners, animators, illustrators, etc.), what would companies do? Who will advertise their product? How will they? Who would do commercials? Who would do movies? Who would take their photos and capture videos on film? Would there be a Pixar? Would there even be media? No, I don't think so. And they say you won't go anywhere when you're an artist unless you're a celebrity. I know some people belittle art courses, they think it's easy but in fact, it's not. We just love what we do that's why it doesn't look so hard. Well at least, for me. But then again, who cares if you don't get so rich? You love what you do, it makes you happy and it creates satisfaction to you, the end. Some people, though rich are not happy with their lives. What would I rather choose? I'd choose to live the life I'm happy in and the life I always imagined myself to be in. I won't ever choose a life, even a rich life, just because it was unwillingly forced into me.

Sure, I'm not getting a PhD or not a Biology, Chemistry, Law, or Accounting student but I've always wanted to prove to them that this isn't easy as it looks. It's hard to think of a good concept or make a realistic photo manipulation or do plates. I always wanted to prove to them that I can go somewhere and I will be successful someday. That I will be someone someday.

And I believe I can be.

Back?

I don't know, I've never been away. It's just I'm too lazy making a blog post. :))

So as you guys have noticed, I have a new layout! Swing life away ;) I made this when I felt so unfree. Just late last week I think. I thought of how life things were so simple before and now it's just so complicated. It says there...

remember when you thought boys had cooties; when friends were new, dreams were un-shattered and worries few; when recess was too short and life was too long; decisions came easily without need to belong; when storks delivered the babies and passions weren't so strong; friendships were un-broken; right was right, and wrong was wrong; when bad things didn't happen; when only skinned knees brought tears and the night light in it's socket quieted all our fears; when farewell meant just for summer and real friends didn't part;

the fun went on forever and never left a broken heart.

We all just have to grow.

I don't know if it looks good on your browsers but it does on mine. Oh well, tell me if it's not aligned and I'll just have it back to being on the left side and not centered. ;)

Okay I don't know how to put in words what I'm feeling right now. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to think because I'm already thinking too much. My brain probably can't hold any more, at least that's what I think. So maybe to summarize everything, I think I'm such a mess right now. It doesn't show but a lot of things have been going on in my life. It's like everything just collided and for the first time, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know, it's just me. I don't have anyone to tell things to so everything I think and am feeling is just bottled up inside me. If not for things that make me sane like school, friends, good times and God, I've probably gone crazy.

Or maybe not. I'm just overreacting. :]]]
I just need alone time. To reflect. But people won't leave me alone. I can't go on a day being quiet and sad without people bugging me and asking me what's wrong or if I'm okay. They're not used to seeing me that way because I naturally am a bubbly and cheerful person. So what am I to do? Put on my happy mask and pretend everything's okay. I'm good at that.

Oh wait, no actually things are going kind of well. It's not like a major problem. Again, it's just me. The problem is me. I just have to figure out things or whatever. And.... I've been kind of neglecting my relationship with Him. So I'm trying to get it back and be close to Him again. I always go to church every Sunday but I haven't been too sincere and I forget to pray. :( So yeah.

On other things, well, I actually have a life! Every Sunday, we have our cotillion practice for Myca's debut on the 25th. To top it off, I get to see my HS friends every week which makes it even cooler. I have FREHAND, COLREND, COMGRAP, and HARTDS2. It may be hard but it's fun for me(except for one, haha). I just have to know how to balance my time and priorities. And uh, well, I'm happy, kind of. Not as happy as last week though. Well at least, I'm not a zombie or something. Two weeks before last week I just noticed that I'm kind of off. At least now, I'm back on track. And some things just keep me going.. and happy. But this is something I can say genuinely last week. Oh gosh I'm so complicated, haha.

I now know which things to let go of at the moment though.

I don't want to go back to being empty and.. numb. I don't want to push people away anymore moreso those people who really care about me. But, 2 minutes ago, I just did. Oh well.

Tsk. I won't say anymore. I can't understand what I want to say anymoreeee andddd... I'm complicated. Yeah.

Bye. Later.

It's funny...

..how my heart used to jump at the sound of the MSN new e-mail message and see it coming from MySpace.

..how I run over to MySpace to look at my new comments only to be disappointed that it's not from you.

..how I make it a point to wake up early in the morning 2 hours before lunch time during the summer just to catch you and talk to you.

..how I used to be so paranoid if I should talk or not. Then again, you always talk first.

..how you made me feel a lot of things at the same time that I cannot comprehend.

..how my heart still jumps at the sound of the MSN new e-mail message and see it coming from MySpace, then realizing that it's not from you and will never be from you... at this time of the year.

..how we used to be really good friends and now we grew apart.

..how pathetic that I write all these stuff when I'm supposed to be thinking if I should let go and move on.

..how I always say that I'll let go and move on when in truth, I actually can't. And don't want to.

Srsly, what's there to let go of? A good friendship since forever? Definitely not. The happiness I feel? No, I don't want to feel again the numbness I felt. Then what? ...I'm afraid if I let this feeling go, whatever this feeling is, that I might go back to being sad and unalive. I definitely don't want that.

Then what am I to do? Hold on? It's scary. Holding on to something you are unsure or have no assurance of. It makes me think if what I'm doing is right. Or if this is worth it. Or maybe I'm just holding on because this is what makes me happy for the moment? I tried moving on, for two months I did. I thought it would be better. But no, it didn't do any better. I felt not myself. And then I stopped. Click. Boom. I finally saw the light. I made myself accept the facts that I was trying so hard to deny.

Or maybe I'm just holding on because I'm scared to move on and let the past go? No. I'm not scared. I've been scared moving on but usually I'm successful with it. Letting the past go? Well, maybe I haven't totally let the past go. Because surely, most people would agree with me on this, the old times were so much better. Back when life was simpler and you were young and all you care about are your toys and all that stuff kids appreciate. Don't you miss the old days? We complicate as we grow older. And life becomes complicated as well. I believe I've let go of the past. Let go, not forget. I learned from it, a lot. And I moved on. Or else I won't be here. I won't be where I am today and I definitely won't fight for what I want. I definitely won't want to prove to people how I can stand up again from a hard fall. I definitely won't be this a better person.

So what?

I have so much thoughts left to ponder on.

Life, that's just the way it is. And we have to deal with it.

It's funny, how I still hold on to something I have no hold of.

Thought you should know I tried my best to let go of you But I don't want to.