What is what.

Hohow! So I've been up to a LOT of things these past few days and well, I've only finished quite a few needed to be done. Damn I hate procastinating. But I still do it anyway. :( Sigh. But oh well.

Aside from school, the net's been keeping me busy.. as always. Surprise surprise! But my friends and I are playing this game since last week and we've been really addicted to it. Lol. Next thing I know, most of my blockmates have their accounts already and they've been dueling a lot. Haha.
Yeah we all need a break from school. We're getting tired of the whole thing from time to time.
:o Okay so maybe most of the time. Lol. I just want summer break already!!!! Just 5 more weeks and we're free to go! I can't believe we'll be college juniors next term already. :o K so back to my 'story'..


It's JamLegend woot. Lol. Playing Canon Rock, haha. Love that song ♥!

And then there's..

TUMBLR! ♥♥♥
I update there everyday. Heh. Mostly from reblogging or well it depends.

Also, there's Facebook, Plurk, and all the countless accounts I have online. =]]

But of course there's still school. School always takes most of my time. I actually lack sleep as in big time. But there's just so much more to do.

Like this newsletter I finished today cos it's due just until 7pm so I didn't go to my 2nd class. Actually all my friends and I didn't. Cos if we did go to class which will end at 6pm, we won't get to pass this project which may cause us to fail and we don't want that. I don't want to faillll, I've never failed any of my subjects ever. So yeah, I did the two remaining newsletter designs in like 2 hours. I rushed the last one, so yes 2 hours wasn't enough. I actually got to send the email 5 minutes late cos our freakin' internet was so slow and it still is until now.



Our internet's running around 32.5 kb/sec right now btw. -_- I'm downloading my files from Photography class my friend uploaded in Mediafire cos she has them. Photography class last Tuesday was awesome. Lol. We got to shoot using redhead, kinoflo and the flash light, the one with the white umbrella thing. Lol. Later I'll update this when my download completes. We felt like we're paparazzis and celebrities too! Haha. We all got to "model" for the shots. Really fun. We finished shooting it all at school cos it will be too much hassle if we borrow the lights on another day cos we need to have a studio room reserved for that as well. Eh the lights were set up already so we did it on the same day. We were required to get 8 shots for each kind of light. We all just need to shoot the available and daylight lights. :D

[edit]

Cerisse: shot by Me

CJ: shot by me

ME [lol]: shot by Cerisse

Cj, Cerisse and I: Shot by Camae

Carlo and JR [they're not in our class but they're there so we asked them to model lol]: shot by me
JR : shot by me

CJ and JR [or CJRawr :p]

CJ profile shot

Cerisse

Us during the shoot :D

For more photos, click here.

[/edit]

At times school's not so bad cos it's really fun and I love what I do. But there are just days like Wednesdays that I don't like. Most likely cos of the subjects. So I hate Wednesdays. :))

Mannn, 4 more weeks! Technically it's 4 weeks cos we have no class during Holy Week and that's like 3 days plus another holiday which makes it almost a whole school week. And it's finals after that! Wee. I'm just looking forward to summer this year cos it'll be my last summer ever in college. Summer next year will be spent OJT-ing. :o

Gah I've been blabbing a lot about school. Lol. I miss playing PhaseRO. I miss reading books. I miss watching television. I miss watching Gossip Girl. :[ I'll catch up on those on my free time, which most likely be on summer.

Speaking of summer, I'll be busy as well because I will be planning and organizing my 18th birthday celebration. :o I can't believe I'll be turning 18 already. I don't look 18!!! I look like a kid in high school. Haha.

Anyways, that's it. Another long blog entry from me. :o

P.S. Changed my chatbox. Cbox was messing up with the whole 'open in new window' thing so switched to Shoutmix. :)

P.P.S. OH BTW! :D Just checked my mail! :D And LOOK! Hehe.

We're all waiting for something.

Yesterday, I had a dream. You were there. Sigh. I rarely dream you know. But whenever I do, you never fail to be in it. I dreamed that you were here. It's always like that for the past what, 3 months? 4? I can't remember. Whenever I dream about you, it's always about you being here. Guess that won't happen sooner. Even this year.

My dream was too funny though btw. I can just ROTFLMAO at my self. I dreamed he was dancing like in a school fair or something, an event in my old high school and my friends and I were there and he was with his friends. And we were all going crazy with their moves. And I never thought he could dance like that. Breakdance, even. So I guess my face was like doing the "O" thing with my mouth and my eyes wide open. LOL. And I was screaming like a fangirl. And when I woke up I was just like, WTF! ROFL! And then followed by, gah I dreamed about him again. Well at least in my dreams, he's there. But in IRL he doesn't show up nowadays. I think it's my fault.

01.29.2009 [from my Tumblr]

push

I don’t get it. I don’t get you. I don’t get why.

What the hell did I do wrong? As far as I know, nothing. Heck, we don’t even talk much nowadays. And when we do, even just a 4-line conversation, it hurts.

You know why?

Because it feels like you’re pushing me away.

And I don’t know why you do.

You’re not always like that. It’s just recently you’ve been really pushing me away and it hurts so bad.

Right now, I’m in my most down time of my life. I’m not usually like this and it doesn’t show. But this is the point in my life where I’m tired, bored, lazy that I forget what I want, or what my goals are or what my priorities are. I know I’m messed up but I’m trying to get it back together.

And then, when a person I really treasure and care for just pushes you away when you need someone the most, how would that feel?

It. Fckn. Hurts. Big time.

Now.

Sometimes, I think if it’s you staying away from me that made me think you’re pushing me away, or it’s me pushing you away that made you want to stay away.

Makes sense. I don't know who pushed who away. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes it's me. But you know what?

I guess, we're just both scared.

And that made us run away from each other.

Shit I miss you. I hate to admit it but yeah.



And now what? I ran. I pushed you away.

Or hmm I guess we both had mistakes. Damn man, we're friends and this is what we do with it. This is what I did with it. I guess every thing's only me or I, cos I think it's all one-sided. It's just me over thinking. In cases like these, even when I have gut feels about what one is thinking/feeling, I don't usually go with it. I'm mostly pessimistic when it comes to these, and not to mention scared. On to other things, I'm mostly optimistic and brave. Sigh.

Guess I have to wait till summer. Or I don't know. I really wish you'd show up again this summer. Please just don't pass out on my birthday. It's my 18th.

You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.
-Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

[images from tumblr]

This just suck, every single recent posts I have here is about him. Gah.

Dedicated to the one I'll always love

That's the thing about letting old lovers go. You don't stop loving some of them. There are a couple you love no less than you ever did. You're not going to try and make it work again, but if they needed you, you'd drop everything.
(via tumblr)

I know I will.

Now what's left are the memories
When you we're mine
-All again for you, We The Kings

But I wasn't yours. Just 'cos I was too blind to see. And too young to know. Ha, so very young. We did not know what we know now.

Some people I know can let it go. They say 'cos it's over and done. Pabayaan na, ganun talaga eh, wala nang magagawa. (Just leave it, there's nothing I can do about it.) That's what a friend told me when I told her about this story that I really can't take this person off my mind, and she also told a story kind of the same thing as mine. Only that she's moved on from that and she experienced it earlier than me. And they're still good friends. Our situations have differences though.

I have not fully told the story to you guys yet so you may not fully understand what I'm saying. But you can listen to the song, Maybe This Time by Murphy Michael. You can pretty much have an idea what my story is from there.

As for me, I don't know why I can't go. Maybe it's because of the almost-whole-life friendship we had. Maybe it's the distance. Maybe because despite all the changes I had in my life and all the changes he had in him, I still see that same person back when we were young and clueless. Maybe because I see the kid that I was then. Maybe because it's because he believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and when I felt no one did. Maybe because after 2 years of not being fully in contact and when he came back to the picture last year, it was like nothing changed. It was like the good old times, good old friends meeting again. Even just virtually.

And then I felt something I can't explain. It's like I felt every emotion I can think of right now. Happiness above all. Maybe it's because I reconnected with a friend again, maybe because I missed him so much, or maybe it's much deeper than that. Sadness. Maybe it's self-inflicted. Numbness. I didn't know why. Maybe because it was summer and I had nothing to do. Better. I don't wake up at 9 or 10 in the morning during summer. Ever. It was all because I just want to catch and talk to him. And then months went............

..School started.
..I turned 17.
..My term ended.
..Second term.
..Debuts I attended.
..Projects I made.
..Stresses from school.
..December.

I still couldn't take him off my mind. It wasn't like this at all in the past. Or I just couldn't remember. I tried to not think of him.

My friend, the one I mentioned above with kinda the same story as mine, and I had a deal that by the end of October or November last year, it'll all be over. All will be fine for me. I tried. Hard. I can say I was kind of successful with that. We had no communication that time, btw. For two months. I catch him online at times, but we never talk. And I never try to. So that was kind of, because he still slipped from my mind every now and then. Even when I was doing something really important. And then end of 2nd term came! I was so excited for the holiday break. One because I badly needed a rest. Two because I know I would preoccupy myself with things that I know I could not think of him. Three because well, it's Christmas.

BUT WELL HELLO! The invisible became visible. I was at home that time, nervous waiting for my grade in this one subject. Then I thought of opening my Messenger, which I haven't done for months. I wanted to know if I had e-mails in that address, which I also haven't checked for months. And then, bambabambam! There he was. Assuming I was okay, talked to him, asked what's up, and it went well. I did well. I thought that was just for one day. But he was there the next day, and the next day after that and the next and so on. And I thought I would use the holidays to preoccupy myself with stuff. He's always on a good timing, you know. Every single time.

So yes. Four months after that deal I had with my friend, up to now... I haven't done it successfully yet. Which is sad.

Now I try to do that not-think-of-him thing again. So... I stay away.

Even if I know I won't fully be able to.

But whatever happens, in the future or what.. he'll always have a special place in my heart.

I guess once you love someone and admit it, there's no coming back. It's a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart, because once you have loved that someone, it doesn't go away. You're forced to care.. and though how much you wish to prevent it, deep inside-- YOU KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS BE SPECIAL.

:)