Realizations at 4am

Realized there’s definitely a difference between what you really want and what you plan. Not like what I plan isn’t what I want. It’s what I want but not as much as what I really want. It’s more of like, I want this coz this is where I should be at this certain point of my life. This is what I should already be. Something like that.

I mean, I guess both would make me happy either way. But later on I’d probably ask myself, “What if?” What if I took a chance on what I really want? Cos then eventually after going after it, it’s either things would turn out differently and better, or things would go exactly as I envisioned it to be and way even better.

I know deep down it’s worth it. But I’m just probably scared if I am worth all of it. And all the things and moments I’ll miss, and what will happen to the people I care about the most if I go for it. Mostly that. Just partly of what will happen to me.
Is this really calling for me?

If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time.
-Habbakuk 2:3, The Message 

You hold my world

You hold my world in Your hands and I am amazed by Your love, I amazed that You love me. You hold my world in Your hands, I’m not afraid my world is safe in Your hands. (You Hold My World)

Wherever You will take me Lord. Time and again Your plans have been perfect. I don’t wanna rely on my own choices anymore just because it’s what I want but I want Your will to be done because I know it’s perfectly what I need.

I may not understand nor I may not exactly know the answers yet.. But as with every season, it will be revealed to me. And I trust my life with You more than anything.

By that time I will be ready.. Because You’ve been preparing me all this time. You have always put dreams in my heart. And when that time comes, I will understand.

I will always be surprised and amazed by the wonderful things You have been doing and unfolding in front of my eyes.

Committing myself and my life to You had been very scary at first.. But it’s the best thing I ever did. And if I could do it all over again, I’d still choose the same.

Thank You Lord for Your love and grace. Thank You Lord because You never gave up reaching out to me when I was lost.. Thank You for never giving up on me. Else I would’ve given up on myself and I won’t get to know about You and Your wondrous love. <3

Valentine's, Friends and More

True friends are those who loves you for who you are regardless of where you came from and who you were. True friends are those who accepts you, supports you and understands you even if they don't exactly understand but because they know you are happy, they won't say anything about it and because they trust you. True friends are those you can share anything and everything to regardless of what it may be. True friends are those who tell you things you need to hear and not what you want to hear.

So my domain blog is down :| I'm going to find another reliable host. My host used to be such a great host until late last year :(

Anyway, I'm going to tell you guys about my Valentine's. I'm single and I had no plans last Monday. But I couldn't have asked for a better way to celebrate my Valentine's. I was waiting for my friend to upload the photos but he still hasn't so I'm going to edit this later.

So that day, my mom woke me up and told me we're going out and I asked, "Where are we going?" and she said, "Anywhere." So we went to Quezon Ave. for business and to get the stuff we have to get. Then, Ate AM texted me and asked me if I'm going with them. I knew about the plan 3 days ago that day I think but I wasn't so sure if I can go 'cos parents were around. So anyway, I asked mom where we're going after and I suggested to go to SM North 'cos it's just near anyway. So yeah, we went and I told them I'm meeting up with friends and a former teacher.

I met up with Ate AM(that's what I've been calling her since high school and she calls me Kuya Cha lol), Mark and our former adviser and History teacher in HS, Ms. Nicolas outside Breadtalk in The Block. As expected, there were a LOT of people in the mall. Couples dating, ladies carrying bouquet of flowers, group dates, group of friends and families. Yep, the place was filled with love!So we went to Bubble Tea and had bubble teas. Haha! We told a lot of stories! How we are, how things are going, and all those catching up things. Ate AM, Mark and I are all Christians now, so we told stories about how it all came about especially Mark and I 'cos Ms. Adah didn't know the exact story. We told about what's happened for the past 2-3 years, how our other friends are and all.

It was a good talk! After, we went to eat dinner! There were a lot of people all over the main mall so we went to the Annex instead. We got a table at Pizza Hut and ordered the Valentine's Feast. It was good for 4 so it was just right for us :D There we continued telling stories! It was like a fellowship as well. I was just so happy that night! My parents waited for me, lol, I didn't expect we would take long. But they ate at Barrio Fiesta for merienda then I forgot where for dinner.

That day was just so good! I couldn't have asked for a better day to celebrate heart's day! Nothing could've taken the GVness away that day from me.

That day I realized that I'm really blessed with the people I have in my life. I realized they're the only people outside my family I can be myself with. And they will accept me no matter what and support me in everything I do. I'm really blessed and I'm so grateful.

Then last Friday, I went out with my friends because one of our friends is here in Manila from Cagayan de Oro city. First time to see all of them again this year! Except for Nancy and Tracy 'cos their lolo passed away. :( And Kevin Mata was there too!! Unexpected! Haha didn't know he was with Eins on the event because he edited the video thingy.

I went to UP first to attend a seminar for IYF leadership training in Korea because I was invited by Mark and Ate AM was there too! :)

And I just had to take this photo below. It was also UP Fair that day but we didn't go since we had other plans.

Anyway, we ate at Giligans, TriNoMa. Eins wasn't there yet, they arrived after we finished eating. We met by National Bookstore and there we took photos! I thought Eins was with a girl but I was wrong! Hahaha! It was Kevin Mata! LMAO! It's because his hair was different!

Then we decided to go somewhere so we went to Ryan's house first to get another ride then went to Kevin Nelson's to drop his things off. Supposedly he's going to switch another ride but Ryan said we'd just use one since we can all fit there, lol. We went to Burby's at Convergys.

I ate a lot haha and we were like, "Didn't we eat dinner?" Haha! I love my friends! And while on the way, we didn't have our car radio on. The guys sang, instead. Hahaha! I took a video of them singing but they didn't know about it until I posted it on Facebook! Hahaha so funny!

Human Car Radio from Charlene Bautista on Vimeo.

You never really know

Funny how you read old blog posts of 3 years ago and 3 years later, everything just changed like bam! Something you were just wishing for, but a year later it's all reality.

Happens all the time to me.

3 years ago I was-- worried about everything; messed up; didn't know what to do; unhappiness more than happiness; and all those things. A year later than that, everything was just all bam! Coming neatly and put into place. A year later than that again, everything was all I ever asked for 3 years ago.

There were things that I planned but didn't push through. There were things I imagined of what I should be doing but it's not what I did and what I'm doing. There were things I never even thought would happen but happened. Things just came and went differently, but I couldn't have been more thankful that it did.

Life surprises me all the time. You never really know where life could/would take you. :]

Whatever your plans are, God always has better plans.

God creates the most unexpected, surprising, and beautiful stories out of our lives. Everything is in His time.

A Prayer

Lord, help me be the best I can be today and in every day of my life.

I pray that You give me the strength to go on and courage to do the things I want to do. Help me see the things I need to see. Help me be the person I need to be. I pray, Lord, that You help me meet the right people to help me be on the right track and achieve my dreams. I also pray for my family, I hope You give them the strength and courage as well, Lord. I pray for their safety and well-being. Lord, I pray that you give us the positive energy we need during times when all we feel is nothing but negativity.

Lord, thank You for all the countless blessings you have given me. Thank You for everyone you put into my life who are nothing but great and amazing people who have continuously inspired and guided me with my journey through life. Everything that I am today is all because of all the wonderful people I have met along the way. Everything that I am today is a result of all the mistakes I made, trials I overcame, challenges I did, fights I've won, fights I've lost and obstacles I pushed out of the way. Thank You for everything, Lord. Because without You, I would not have been able to do all those things without Your guidance and help.

Most of all Lord, I thank You for saving me. You saved me when I was so lost and down. You saved me and carried me back to Your arms, Lord. You found me when I seem to have put all my failures above me. You found me, Lord. And I found You.. here in my heart. All the answers to my questions, I didn't know it was You all along. There's nothing that can compare to the joy I felt in my heart when I finally accepted You as my Saviour. And I finally understood. You ignited the fire within me. I was on fire.

Then I lost it when I suddenly stopped going to church for I don't remember what reason. Maybe I was sick, or I was too tired. But it's not enough excuse, I know. But it made me realize how much I need You in my life. You make me on fire. You give me the strength. You give me the happiness. You make my soul so very much alive.

And so I will stand up once again. And I will do everything in my power to please You. Everything I do is for You. And yes Lord, I have not forgotten the vision you showed me. I haven't. :) Help me become a blessing to other people.

I love You, Lord. With all my heart.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

--
I think it's the first time I posted a prayer here. I just felt like doing it. :]

Full of love, full of hate, full of hope, full of faith

You know what's been really ticking me off today? Hate.

The world is full of hate and haters. I don't get it. Don't people get tired of it? I mean, I 'hate' too but with others it's like they're pouring out their frustrations in life over some things like the WWW or they simply can't find anything to do with their lives.

Now wonder I get too stressed when I browse over those Plurks. Yes, it's Plurk. Sure it's their Plurk and I can always unfollow them but gah, I just the one who left and froze my Karma. But that's not exactly it, it's those people replying. Sometimes. Some are rude, some are annoyingly sarcastic, some are.. well, they just don't really float my boat. I guess. I've been thinking of deleting my account for how long already but thought how it would be too sayang since it's also been my home for quite a long time.

I never really cared before. But I don't know. I'm now even pissed at some people who doesn't know or don't care enough about their priorities or responsibilities. When you tell someone you're gonna work this out and at first you really agreed, sacrificed things for it and stuff, you do it. But then, there comes a time when there's this another thing that comes up and you take it and you take the other for granted. I understand that person though. But what I didn't get and still I DON'T get is whenever I contact and tell something, that person wouldn't even care to reply! For effin' one week and it really got to me. Makes the things I do harder. I don't like being left hanging. And when you get the chance to talk to the person who tells you stories about the whats and whys and you'd understand anyway. But then, tells you he needs to finish the things he needs to do first and he's starting to want to give up already because the work is hard and he's busy and SUPER BUSY, I mean, isn't that BS?! Like most of us aren't? Like I'm not? Like I'm not tired? Like the others doing the work aren't tired enough from their regular work?! When you want something, YOU MAKE TIME FOR IT. And not make excuses. And what more when school starts? Then that person will have lesser time for it now? What about the other students who had the time to do it?

Agh, I'm just too pissed with it. I guess you can't really try to get some people grow with you when you are and when you want to. Things are already harder than usual, but I wanna carry on, press on, go on because I want to and I'm happy with what's up with me right now.

And yes, the hate? The world is full of them, I know. It won't go away even if I wish it would. In the WWW, Twitter's peaceful for me so I like it better. And Tumblr, oh Tumblr, it's so full of love. :) That's why I love it there. Facebook is alright. :) But I've been liking life outside this net world. I've finally read my books, not all but at least two of them I've already finished. I wasn't on for 2 days because I got tired and sick. I've never been sick for quite a long time. So yeah. :]

When school comes, which is this 20th, I'm probably gonna get stuck again in this computer. Hello Junior year! =o I'll be graduating next year, hopefully. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. And I've now got to manage my time better. I know I will.

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
-The Climb, Miley Cyrus

I love that song. :)

It's not how you start the race, it's how you finish it.

All we need is love, people. All we need is love.

Revived

Oh hai there! :)

I guess I left my blog in a negative note. Most of my previous posts were really negative. Always talking about problems and stuff. But all those are over and done with. It's not helping and being negative will never help at all! You may think it's probably because school's over and I have nothing to really stress about these days hence the positivity. Well yeah, that's one thing. But this summer is really the life-changing summer I ever had.

I am growing.

Personal growth. Financial growth. Spiritual growth.

All there.

Breakthrough for this year. :)

I have learned a lot about life in general. Everyday, I learn a LOT more than the learning I get in school. And I'm really thankful for that. For the first few months of this year, I was surrounded by negativity. I was so emotionally, physically, mentally drained. Plus myself being negative wasn't helping at all. It was just all a mess for me. But all is over and done, past is past.

Now, everything changed. My mindset, my purposes, my goals, my relationships with family, with God, and just about everything. I'm happy that I'm this one step closer to my dreams. I got the seed and I gotta sow it. Sow the seed of your dream. Like I've read from Bo Sanchez's blogs. It's during this time that I see my future clearer now that little by little I try to think about what I really really want. Law of attraction. I always knew that I'm the kind of person who dream BIG a lot. I wanted a lot of things. I want to travel the world and go places. I wanna study again! Academy of Art University anyone? University of the Arts London? I wanna see Aurora Borealis! I wanna help people. I wanna be completely happy. I wanna buy my OWN car, own laptop, iPod, DSLR, smartphone using my OWN money. I wanna buy the things I want using my own money and working hard for it and not depending on my parents to give it to me. I was never that kind of person who depends everything to her parents. I was never too spoiled. I told myself, I'm gonna study and concentrate on my craft so when I graduate, I get a good-paying job that I love to do and so I can have those things. I still will. I still want to prove something to people and to myself. Art is what I generally live for and it will always be my first love.

But you know what they say, when there's opportunity you gotta grab it. And I did. We did. What I'm also really really glad about is me and my brothers are closer than ever. It's really good to see the whole family working together. And I've met new wonderful people whom I learn a lot from.

Some Most people would actually think this seed is easy to sow. It's not. At first I thought it was, seeing it from the outside. But it's really different when it's you playing the game than just being in the audience watching. Most people would actually think negatively of this seed. But you know, I don't care anymore. They're not the ones who are gonna feed me when I'm hungry anyway. This is real hard work.

And what really warms my heart is that we're closer to God more than EVER. All these challenges are just challenges. Trials we gotta walk ABOVE on. We gotta press on when it's turning us down. And I'm not pressing on all by myself because my whole family's behind me helping me press on through the challenges of life.

You know just a few weeks after school ended, it feels like I'm the same old but brand new person. It's a different feeling. And my mindset has changed.. in a good way and also which I think everyone must have. Positivity.

Hear the sunshine. See the sunshine.

By the way, last Sunday I attended the morning and evening service of Cornerstone Church in Bulacan and boy, really, I am revived. We're Catholics but my brothers always attend their service because we serve their sound system. I've always wanted to go with them then especially during those times I was sooo down and negative. But I don't know, I wasn't able to not until last Sunday. I woke up early to go with them and their guest speaker was a 24-year-old Australian(Fil-Aus) Pastor, which was really good-looking btw haha. Before we went back home, Pastor Fred introduced us to him and he prayed over us. He doesn't know anything about us, just the basics, but coming from him he said before the year ends, we're going to be debt-free. And I was just wowza! That IS our goal. And we know we're on the right track. And here comes the evening service, I went again so as my parents. Oh boy, I cried. Really. My brother and I cried. My mom was holding back her tears. Lol. But you know, it felt really great. It's those times when I really feel His presence. I'm the type of person who doesn't want people seeing her cry but yes I did cry with my mom and dad beside me. Lol. What made me start crying was the video the pastor showed, there's this Australian.. oh okay, I found the video. I'm gonna show it to you guys. Hope it inspires you as it had inspired me.



And I love singing praise songs. They sang Hosanna during the morning service and that's one of my favorites!

Oh hai, God is so good. :)

"If I fail, I try again, and again, and again..."
-Nick Vujicic

Yes, what?

I wanna be great at what I'm doing but I'm not making the most out of what's given to me. Talents and time.

I can be great at what I do.

But I just don't believe in myself enough that I can be.

I have to change... in a lot of ways... to be a better person. Career-wise, academic-wise, and my mindset.

Now I'm getting frustrated.

I'm not any better than what I visioned to be.

Cram. Panic. Cram.

I lack motivation.

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And youll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But dont let anyone
Tear them away, hey yeah
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
Youll find the way

Life goes on.

No matter how much it hurt and no matter how pathetic it may seem, there's no denying that you did feel something for him. So what if he found someone else? Go on. Just go and move on with your life. Because even if you knew it would come sooner or later, it would still hurt. Even if it seemed that the world has stopped for that one moment you were always afraid of, life just goes on.

It really hurt.

I just saw what I was so afraid of seeing. No it's not ghosts nor other scary things. It is scary though, not in a horror scary way but in a hurtful scary way. The moment I saw that, I just froze and felt the pain. Shot through the heart.

It was pathetic, my reaction. But it did hurt.

I really knew sooner or later this would happen you know. I just didn't think it would happen this SOON. I've thought about this countless of times. I even dreamed about it. I guess I would act like how I did in my dream. I should be happy like FINALLY! YEY!

But no, tears formed.

I'm trying to get better. Because no matter what, you know, life goes on. No matter how much it hurt. It was such a bad timing for me.

I guess it's my heart, my mind, or Someone. God? Because He loves me, He wanted me to know it right away. Because He knows this would make me better.. after. I wanted to ask, "why??" But, all these things happening to me is my fault too. God gave me hundreds, even thousands of chances to make this better. My studies, my working habits, myself and all other things. But I just took it all for granted. I always end up getting worse and worse each time.

I know I think that I have had enough failures and disappointments this year alone because really I think I have, not ever in my 17 years I felt this kind of disappointment for myself. But I just gotta accept it the way it was given. I had to learn all these the hard way. =| My failures, my mistakes, my shortcomings, everything wrong I did.. it just all came back rushing to me hitting me back in the face with such force that it hurt so much.

School is effed up enough for me. I'm so stressed out, psychologically, physically and more so emotionally. And then this comes. Like it could get any worse.

But I just have to take it all, face it. I'm sick of running away.

I've done so many mistakes this year alone. I've disappointed myself, my family, and God. And trust me nothing is more frustrating than that.

I had to get hurt harder to wake up.

And I've kind of lost interest in the book I'm reading. It somehow reminds me of our story.

"There are things we regret;
Words we wish had gone unsaid,
Beginnings that had bitter endings,
Chances we threw away,
Roads we should have never taken,
Signs we didn't see,
Heart we hurt needlessly,
& wounds we wish we could mend.
The past can't be rewritten,
But it can make you stronger.
Be thankful for every change,
for ever heartbreak,
for every scar.
Pages were turned,
Bridges were burned,
But you,
you learned."

teabagsonthepavement:

you were happy once; you were sunshine and smiles and a brightness that radiated. you may be cloudy now, you may not want to sing. you may just want to fold inside of yourself, on the oldest couch you can find, by the biggest window, and watch it rain. you used to find that little things made you happy; now you can’t even find the big things. somehow, along the way, you lost yourself. one foot in front of the other, sweetheart, and you will find your way back.

What is what.

Hohow! So I've been up to a LOT of things these past few days and well, I've only finished quite a few needed to be done. Damn I hate procastinating. But I still do it anyway. :( Sigh. But oh well.

Aside from school, the net's been keeping me busy.. as always. Surprise surprise! But my friends and I are playing this game since last week and we've been really addicted to it. Lol. Next thing I know, most of my blockmates have their accounts already and they've been dueling a lot. Haha.
Yeah we all need a break from school. We're getting tired of the whole thing from time to time.
:o Okay so maybe most of the time. Lol. I just want summer break already!!!! Just 5 more weeks and we're free to go! I can't believe we'll be college juniors next term already. :o K so back to my 'story'..


It's JamLegend woot. Lol. Playing Canon Rock, haha. Love that song ♥!

And then there's..

TUMBLR! ♥♥♥
I update there everyday. Heh. Mostly from reblogging or well it depends.

Also, there's Facebook, Plurk, and all the countless accounts I have online. =]]

But of course there's still school. School always takes most of my time. I actually lack sleep as in big time. But there's just so much more to do.

Like this newsletter I finished today cos it's due just until 7pm so I didn't go to my 2nd class. Actually all my friends and I didn't. Cos if we did go to class which will end at 6pm, we won't get to pass this project which may cause us to fail and we don't want that. I don't want to faillll, I've never failed any of my subjects ever. So yeah, I did the two remaining newsletter designs in like 2 hours. I rushed the last one, so yes 2 hours wasn't enough. I actually got to send the email 5 minutes late cos our freakin' internet was so slow and it still is until now.



Our internet's running around 32.5 kb/sec right now btw. -_- I'm downloading my files from Photography class my friend uploaded in Mediafire cos she has them. Photography class last Tuesday was awesome. Lol. We got to shoot using redhead, kinoflo and the flash light, the one with the white umbrella thing. Lol. Later I'll update this when my download completes. We felt like we're paparazzis and celebrities too! Haha. We all got to "model" for the shots. Really fun. We finished shooting it all at school cos it will be too much hassle if we borrow the lights on another day cos we need to have a studio room reserved for that as well. Eh the lights were set up already so we did it on the same day. We were required to get 8 shots for each kind of light. We all just need to shoot the available and daylight lights. :D

[edit]

Cerisse: shot by Me

CJ: shot by me

ME [lol]: shot by Cerisse

Cj, Cerisse and I: Shot by Camae

Carlo and JR [they're not in our class but they're there so we asked them to model lol]: shot by me
JR : shot by me

CJ and JR [or CJRawr :p]

CJ profile shot

Cerisse

Us during the shoot :D

For more photos, click here.

[/edit]

At times school's not so bad cos it's really fun and I love what I do. But there are just days like Wednesdays that I don't like. Most likely cos of the subjects. So I hate Wednesdays. :))

Mannn, 4 more weeks! Technically it's 4 weeks cos we have no class during Holy Week and that's like 3 days plus another holiday which makes it almost a whole school week. And it's finals after that! Wee. I'm just looking forward to summer this year cos it'll be my last summer ever in college. Summer next year will be spent OJT-ing. :o

Gah I've been blabbing a lot about school. Lol. I miss playing PhaseRO. I miss reading books. I miss watching television. I miss watching Gossip Girl. :[ I'll catch up on those on my free time, which most likely be on summer.

Speaking of summer, I'll be busy as well because I will be planning and organizing my 18th birthday celebration. :o I can't believe I'll be turning 18 already. I don't look 18!!! I look like a kid in high school. Haha.

Anyways, that's it. Another long blog entry from me. :o

P.S. Changed my chatbox. Cbox was messing up with the whole 'open in new window' thing so switched to Shoutmix. :)

P.P.S. OH BTW! :D Just checked my mail! :D And LOOK! Hehe.

We're all waiting for something.

Yesterday, I had a dream. You were there. Sigh. I rarely dream you know. But whenever I do, you never fail to be in it. I dreamed that you were here. It's always like that for the past what, 3 months? 4? I can't remember. Whenever I dream about you, it's always about you being here. Guess that won't happen sooner. Even this year.

My dream was too funny though btw. I can just ROTFLMAO at my self. I dreamed he was dancing like in a school fair or something, an event in my old high school and my friends and I were there and he was with his friends. And we were all going crazy with their moves. And I never thought he could dance like that. Breakdance, even. So I guess my face was like doing the "O" thing with my mouth and my eyes wide open. LOL. And I was screaming like a fangirl. And when I woke up I was just like, WTF! ROFL! And then followed by, gah I dreamed about him again. Well at least in my dreams, he's there. But in IRL he doesn't show up nowadays. I think it's my fault.

01.29.2009 [from my Tumblr]

push

I don’t get it. I don’t get you. I don’t get why.

What the hell did I do wrong? As far as I know, nothing. Heck, we don’t even talk much nowadays. And when we do, even just a 4-line conversation, it hurts.

You know why?

Because it feels like you’re pushing me away.

And I don’t know why you do.

You’re not always like that. It’s just recently you’ve been really pushing me away and it hurts so bad.

Right now, I’m in my most down time of my life. I’m not usually like this and it doesn’t show. But this is the point in my life where I’m tired, bored, lazy that I forget what I want, or what my goals are or what my priorities are. I know I’m messed up but I’m trying to get it back together.

And then, when a person I really treasure and care for just pushes you away when you need someone the most, how would that feel?

It. Fckn. Hurts. Big time.

Now.

Sometimes, I think if it’s you staying away from me that made me think you’re pushing me away, or it’s me pushing you away that made you want to stay away.

Makes sense. I don't know who pushed who away. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes it's me. But you know what?

I guess, we're just both scared.

And that made us run away from each other.

Shit I miss you. I hate to admit it but yeah.



And now what? I ran. I pushed you away.

Or hmm I guess we both had mistakes. Damn man, we're friends and this is what we do with it. This is what I did with it. I guess every thing's only me or I, cos I think it's all one-sided. It's just me over thinking. In cases like these, even when I have gut feels about what one is thinking/feeling, I don't usually go with it. I'm mostly pessimistic when it comes to these, and not to mention scared. On to other things, I'm mostly optimistic and brave. Sigh.

Guess I have to wait till summer. Or I don't know. I really wish you'd show up again this summer. Please just don't pass out on my birthday. It's my 18th.

You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.
-Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

[images from tumblr]

This just suck, every single recent posts I have here is about him. Gah.

Dedicated to the one I'll always love

That's the thing about letting old lovers go. You don't stop loving some of them. There are a couple you love no less than you ever did. You're not going to try and make it work again, but if they needed you, you'd drop everything.
(via tumblr)

I know I will.

Now what's left are the memories
When you we're mine
-All again for you, We The Kings

But I wasn't yours. Just 'cos I was too blind to see. And too young to know. Ha, so very young. We did not know what we know now.

Some people I know can let it go. They say 'cos it's over and done. Pabayaan na, ganun talaga eh, wala nang magagawa. (Just leave it, there's nothing I can do about it.) That's what a friend told me when I told her about this story that I really can't take this person off my mind, and she also told a story kind of the same thing as mine. Only that she's moved on from that and she experienced it earlier than me. And they're still good friends. Our situations have differences though.

I have not fully told the story to you guys yet so you may not fully understand what I'm saying. But you can listen to the song, Maybe This Time by Murphy Michael. You can pretty much have an idea what my story is from there.

As for me, I don't know why I can't go. Maybe it's because of the almost-whole-life friendship we had. Maybe it's the distance. Maybe because despite all the changes I had in my life and all the changes he had in him, I still see that same person back when we were young and clueless. Maybe because I see the kid that I was then. Maybe because it's because he believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and when I felt no one did. Maybe because after 2 years of not being fully in contact and when he came back to the picture last year, it was like nothing changed. It was like the good old times, good old friends meeting again. Even just virtually.

And then I felt something I can't explain. It's like I felt every emotion I can think of right now. Happiness above all. Maybe it's because I reconnected with a friend again, maybe because I missed him so much, or maybe it's much deeper than that. Sadness. Maybe it's self-inflicted. Numbness. I didn't know why. Maybe because it was summer and I had nothing to do. Better. I don't wake up at 9 or 10 in the morning during summer. Ever. It was all because I just want to catch and talk to him. And then months went............

..School started.
..I turned 17.
..My term ended.
..Second term.
..Debuts I attended.
..Projects I made.
..Stresses from school.
..December.

I still couldn't take him off my mind. It wasn't like this at all in the past. Or I just couldn't remember. I tried to not think of him.

My friend, the one I mentioned above with kinda the same story as mine, and I had a deal that by the end of October or November last year, it'll all be over. All will be fine for me. I tried. Hard. I can say I was kind of successful with that. We had no communication that time, btw. For two months. I catch him online at times, but we never talk. And I never try to. So that was kind of, because he still slipped from my mind every now and then. Even when I was doing something really important. And then end of 2nd term came! I was so excited for the holiday break. One because I badly needed a rest. Two because I know I would preoccupy myself with things that I know I could not think of him. Three because well, it's Christmas.

BUT WELL HELLO! The invisible became visible. I was at home that time, nervous waiting for my grade in this one subject. Then I thought of opening my Messenger, which I haven't done for months. I wanted to know if I had e-mails in that address, which I also haven't checked for months. And then, bambabambam! There he was. Assuming I was okay, talked to him, asked what's up, and it went well. I did well. I thought that was just for one day. But he was there the next day, and the next day after that and the next and so on. And I thought I would use the holidays to preoccupy myself with stuff. He's always on a good timing, you know. Every single time.

So yes. Four months after that deal I had with my friend, up to now... I haven't done it successfully yet. Which is sad.

Now I try to do that not-think-of-him thing again. So... I stay away.

Even if I know I won't fully be able to.

But whatever happens, in the future or what.. he'll always have a special place in my heart.

I guess once you love someone and admit it, there's no coming back. It's a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart, because once you have loved that someone, it doesn't go away. You're forced to care.. and though how much you wish to prevent it, deep inside-- YOU KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS BE SPECIAL.

:)

Silent

Really I do.

I don't know what's up. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what's new.

I feel like there's something going on with you and I want to know and help you. It's just that you don't tell me things. I don't have a clue on what's going on. Your profile is useless, your interactive visibility is rare. Basically I don't have any contact with you even if I do.

What can I do right? You choose not to tell me.

But I just want to let you know that I'm here, no matter how far we are. I'm your friend. Even if that's all we'll ever be. And ever could be.

I don't know how to let you know anymore though. Cos we're silent, once again.

~

[EDIT]

Off with the emotional side. Lol.

You know what's funny?

Me and my friend Kevin/KiBeN, whom I have been friends with since high school and schoolmates with and classmates with up to college [lol], has always been kind of 'linked' since college. Well I think kind of in Senior HS when we got paired up for the Prom Cotillion/Dance. But that was just a passing 'tease', lol. My blockmates always thought he courted me or we were together which was and still is the total LULZ cos he doesn't and we're not. Hahaha. And he was always called 'Harry Potter' cos he looks like Harry. And then I don't know who started it, Cerisse the Penggu or KiBeN the Chicken/Harry/TurtleBack(hahaha), started to associate me with Hermione. I think it was because of my sabog hair then. Lol.

Harry, Hermione... we just lack a Ron to complete the HP trio. HAHA. And I always say to Kevin that he should find his Cho Chang/Ginny already. LOL. And he always reply that they're still on going for audition. LOL.

But just tonight, I realized while this ka-Tropang Gising on Plurk who always pair us up brought the issue again...

It's funny how we often associate ourselves with Harry and Hermione but he doesn't have a ChoChang/Ginny and I don't have a Ron.

Haha. So I'll say what Kiben always says, "Still on audition." Haha. Though I really don't do that cos there aren't really people who apply/audition for that place.

Someday, there will be. :))

Laughter is the best form of medicine. For when we laugh, we neither think, grieve, or feel.
-Eugene Lam

One of the truest quotes, yes?

[end edit]

New new new!

Okay new layout! :D I like it! Hehehe.

I tried using tables on this one since I often see it on other blogs and it looks neat so here it is! :D I was on the mood to do my layout and code yesternight but I needed sleep so I finished it just tonight.

I guess once you do something and you missed it and liked it, you'll be inspired or be in the mood to do it again. Haha. I missed coding and doing web stuff. Yesterday I helped(haha) a friend of a friend of my friend do their website. It's a school project. LOL. I kind of did the HTML and CSS. Kind of, since it's already there, they just wanted me to fix it and put other stuff. It looked easy but hell, it wasn't. My head hurt after and I was so tired and sleepy. But I get paid for it so, it's all good. Haha.

I did their personal web pages as well. I did three. The layout, banner and codes. And it went something like this layout. For a long time I wondered how to do tables cos usually I use DIVs. And then while I was viewing the pages it just came to me, OH SHIT I NOW KNOW HOW TO DO THIS KINDA LAYOUT! MUST TRY AND MAKE NEW ONE FOR BLOG! Hahaha.

So yeah. :D

I'm hungry. I should eat now. And make my NSTP paper after. Teehee. :D

Life's going well right now. Maybe February isn't so bad as I think it is. :D

Btw, thanks to Anna for helping me with the messed up thingy here. LOL.

Learn how to balance everything, otherwise, you have to drop something just to keep everything balanced.

You you and you, pff.

When you're feeling sad and blue, don't you know that I will always,
Be here for you.
When everything just makes us go out of our minds, just know that I will always,
Have the time for you.

Where were you?

~
I didn't notice that I posted the same quote on my recent post and the post before that. Lol. I just like the quote so much cos it applies to this person I know. =]] The person I was talking about on my last post.

K so scratch the entry I did yesterday. :D I'm gonna delete it and post it on my LJ secret blog. Bahaha. :D I hope no one read it, I think no one did so ts'okay. :D

I cried yesterday. Petty reason. Well no not really, but if I think about it, it's really a petty one. I was so disappointed with myself cos I slept when I was supposed to be doing my project/HW in one subject. I accidentally slept. And I woke up at like 8:30 in the evening and I can't print my project anymore since no print shop's open when I finish my work. So yeah, if you guys saw my Twitter posts yesterday that's the time I was so pissed off with myself.

I cried cos I was getting so good at failing myself. And I don't like it. I was getting too stressed with school and my everyday life.

Worst thing about that? Brother and dad saw me cry.

I tried to draw the advertisement I'm going to render but I couldn't and I just buried my face in my hands and there, tears started to fall down. My brother was asking me why I was crying cos I was in front of the computer beside him. I told him to shut up by hand gesture, lol, cos my dad was just in the same room as us and I'm pretty sure he'll hear us talk. And I really don't want people seeing me cry. He asked it TWICE and I was getting annoyed at him. So for sure, my dad stood up and went to us and asked me why I was crying. GREAT. I didn't answer. I just continued drawing, or at least I was trying to draw something. Betrayal tears just fell down. And when I cry, the whole family just have to know it. So dad knew it, then he went to mom and probably told it to her. And when it was just me and my brother, I annoyingly told him that he should've just kept quiet. :o Then dad called us for dinner but I didn't go since I figured they're just going to ask me why I cried. Eh, I told my brother why already so most likely he's the one who told them why.

I opened my iTunes and tried to listen to this playlist I usually listen to. I thought listening to this certain song would make me feel better but it just made me remember this one person who 'disappeared'[I just thought he did but no, hez back. Lol.] from me and it made me cry more. I couldn't bare it so I just changed the playlist. It's almost like a 'mixtape' for that person. And then came different reasons on why tears just continue to fall down.

So yeah. Boohoo.

Bah, I talk about this person a lot. Adfqjifaijdimajig.

Later.

You are strong, strong as a soldier. Even when winds are tough you'll always keep it together. You are strong, strong as a soldier. I know you'll get through anything. 'Cause you're strong, strong, strong as a soldier.
-Soldier, AJ Rafael

A warrior is a child.

I cried twice this week.

Today was the second time.

I feel like I've cried the whole day. No not really. But it seemed like that.

Most of the time I think I'm strong, or I can do this, I would get through this and that. But right now, I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I feel so confused. I am so sad. I've never really felt like this before. There's no hurt at all, I don't feel any pain or any thing in my heart. But I know I'm so drained. Physically, psychologically, and emotionally. It's hard.

I want to put myself back together. I am trying to be strong still. I know I am strong and I can do this and I will get through this. I still am trying to hold my head up and move and fight. I want to.

But sometimes I just want to break down and cry. Just cry. Think. Reflect. Be alone. I don't know. I just don't know.

I hold back my tears all the time because I don't want people, especially my fam, to see me vulnerable; weak.

What makes it all the more harder is that I need someone to talk to badly, or just a hug, or something, but no one's around.

I need Him. So bad.

Self fail.

I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don’t last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.
-Sarah Dessen

Screwing up for the past 2 weeks of school. Damn it. I didn't start my year right. Everything's just... a failure.

I'm disappointed with myself.

I'm at this point where I'm bored, lazy and would just want to sleep and stay at home all day. With no priorities, deadlines, and other stuff needed to be done.

I want to go on and make myself better but I don't know, I just screw it up. My sleeping habit is so messed up, my school performance is fcuked up. As in big time. Sure I mean, it's fine. But it's just that I'm too lazy doing the things I need to do that I end up doing things I want to do.

I don't like disappointing myself. It makes me feel frustrated. Like I know I can do something about it, but whenever I try to, I fail with it. And it makes me a lot more frustrated.

Things are not better. Well, lifestyle-wise and school-wise.

I am happy. But I want to be happy in a sense that it makes me a better person. But it doesn't. So I may just THINK I am happy, but I'm really not? I don't know. I'm too 'relaxed' these days.

I'm so messed up. This isn't just me. :(

I'm just really really really disappointed with myself. And I have no one to talk about it. :( Makes me all the more disappointed. And sad :(

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you’re going to do now - and do it.
— William Durant

Never let success go to your head and never let failure go to your heart.

“Success is going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

—	Winston Churchill

Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.

—	George Washington Carver

“We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.”

—	Grey’s Anatomy

What's happened to me?

I often wake up late. I stay up late. I didn't do my research paper. I didn't go to class. I am addicted to Tumblr. I am tired. My back hurts. I think my head is going to explode. Well not really.

....

Okay. Yes, new term and I often wake up late. So I run late to school, OR I just don't go to class. How am I going to make it if I wake up at 8am and my class is at 9, and my travel time is 1 and a half hour? I rarely make it. Lol.

I didn't do my research paper for DESNCON. Yes, screwed. But I woke up late. Stayed up late 'cos I watched Obama's inauguration on TV. Lol. So.. yeah.

I feel like I have a lot to do tomorrow. We'll try to do a FOTOGRA shoot, then Imma print our PROFES1 group requirements, ATM.. well, it's not so much maybe. But that involves a lot of walking and waiting. I'm working out my muscles right there tomorrow. HAHAHA. Or later I mean.

I still have to do our PARTDES report powerpoint. Sondesn. Uhm, Deskpub. Desncon. Desncon. Oh yeah. Pretty much that. Lalalala, I thought my new year's resolution is to not procastinate ever again this year? Not to cram? Well..

New year resolution FAIL.

My favorite day is Tuesday. I'm loving FOTOGRA. Thursdays are fine. PROFES1 is cool. I love Mondays and Fridays. Hooray no classes. And my least favorite is Wednesday. Thank you very much.

Where is my playtime?

So much to do, so little time. But well, I complain too much. I shouldn't have time doing this right? But I do. Because I want to. And it's 2:20am. And I'm hungry. Back hurts. I need massage.

Even if my least favorite day is Wednesday, yesterday was pretty much nice. Very nice. Well, happy. Because because because.... :D OHMYGOSH. I feel like jumping up and down. Hahahaha. Only Jesy and Cerisse know about this. And my brother. Haha. I decided not to tell too many people yet 'cos it may not push through if I did. Maudlot pa. HAHA. But at least, it's possible. YES IT IS POSSIBLE. :D Weeyoweeyowee! :D My brother doesn't know how I feel about it btw. I just told him because he knows that person I'm talking about. Or.. well, they're pretty much "friends" now. HAHA. And I love it when they talk. Buh uhm, I'm crossing my fingers. :x

And a guy and a girl can be just friends but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.
-Dave Matthews

Pic sharing guys! :D From our FOTOGRA class. Lol.





--


(via perplexigirl)

You don't know how much you make me happy. Yes, still. 2008 = YOU.
And you know what I'd really really concentrate on when that happens? Simple. Try to not let you hear my pounding heartbeat like it's gonna rip from my chest. I'd probably get scared getting near you because of that. Lol.

Who cares if you read this or not. You might. But, you wouldn't know you're the one I'm talking about anyway. :D ;)

A New Year, A New Post.

So after one month, I decided to go into my Blogger again and change the template. I found this one on Blogskins. I wanted to make this kind of layout for a long time now but don't have the time to.. and I didn't know how to as well. HAHA. Loser. My CSS shits are kind of out-dated now. The layout looks clean, doesn't it? I think it is. That's why I love it! I like clean and simple looks now. Gone are the days that I used to like so much splattered brushed and all that.

So last Christmas, we had a family Christmas Party. It's held annually now, haha. It began when it was just me and my mom at home 'cos my brothers and cousins had a gig in Davao back in 2006. And my dad went with them so we were left alone. My brother's girlfriend went at home from time to time to check us and hang out with us or drive us somewhere. Then we just had the idea of having a Christmas party along with family friends, cousins' family and the others left behind here so it wouldn't be so lonely. And it all started there. It's something I look forward to every year.

On 2008, we held it at our new home in Fairview. I just realized then that we celebrate it on a different house every year. Haha. Those were the times when we moved houses. Too bad it rained so we started out late. :( But still it was fun cos we had an intermission number for every family. It was my idea to put it in so it would be so much fun. My dad and brothers played 3 Beatles songs. My dad sang and played the bass. Then, my 2 cousins who used to be the vocalists in their band sang as well. So it was like a mini-reunion. Ha ha. And I had it all captured on video! We had games, of course. The most fun was the Hep-hep hooray game. It was so funny watching them! My 2nd brother, as our representative, won! Hahaha. And there are a LOT of kids now. Ngayong year kasi, may 2 families na nadagdag. Haha. My cousin's and my uncle's family. Ang kukulit! But they're so cute and adorable. XD Madadagdagan pa since my cousin's wife just gave birth last November and my sister-in-law will give birth this April. I gotta admit, I'm not so used to having kids around. But I guess I have to get used to it now. This just means I'm getting older. =]]

I wanna transfer the videos on my computer ASAP so I can edit and upload it on YouTube or Vimeo or somewhere. But I'm having problems with the cables and stuff. =[

New Year was kinda fun as well. My mom invited the kids from Children's Joy Foundation and they sang Christmas carols. Hehe. But man, it was so SO SO LOUD OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE. AND THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE. LMAO. I'm being sarcastic. =]] Srsly, there were no people at all. Cars were just passing by us and some people walking but I haven't seen a single neighbor outside their house. In our old village, New Year's the only time we get to interact and see people outside their home. But here? LOL. The road's so clean. It was still fun though.. because of the food. And it rained as well. Boo. =]]

My brother and I just played Ragnarok. BAHAHA. Who would've thought I'd come back and play again? Just not on iRO though. We're now playing on a private server. My friend invited me to play, and I just thought why not? It's something I can do to pass my time. Or relax when I'm stressed. Or it just simply reads: PROCASTINATION. Hahaha. But noooo, I don't want that this year. I DON'T WANT TO CRAM EVER AGAIN. I mean, just not this year. This year will be a tough one. I'm in my last term as a sophomore. And I say hello to majors on junior year. Whenever I think about what's going to happen this year, it overwhelms me like a lot. But I want to believe I can do it. I can survive. Yes, I know I can. I just need confidence. =[ I lack that. STILL. And I hate it. And I'm going to turn 18 five months from now. And my mom told me to arrange things as early as now. =o =o

As for school stuff, our term started on Wednesday. Umm, I didn't go to my second class. WHOOPS. Sreh. Hahaha. WE DIDN'T. Cerisse, Camae, CJ and I. We went to MOA to eat at Kamay Kainan! :D FREE! Haha. Then we window shopped, as usual. Then we went to Krispy Kreme then CJ said that we shouldn't go to school. HAHAHA. Then suddenly Cerisse and Camae agreed cos they were lazy. BOO. And I wanted to go to class!!! I told them I'll be a GOOD INFLUENCE to them. ROFL. But it was 3 vs. 1. And I lost. HAHA. So we stayed at Krispy Kreme then went around the mall. I bought a book at National Bookstore called Exit Here. I wanted to buy 2 but my money wasn't enough. The title of the other book I wanted to buy was, Wait for me, so I TALKED TO THE BOOK lmao and said, "Okay, wait for me!". Haha. Oh I was just willing to spend 500 bucks that day. I wanna save. So I'll come back for the other books later. And I wanna buy that cube thingy we were trying to solve to be a cube? I can't explain it. HAHA. Anyway it looks like this:

Googled it! Haha. We were all sitting on the floor ON THE CHILDREN'S SECTION trying to solve that. =]] It was so frustrating. You think you have nearly solved it but NOOOO, there's this empty spot in the middle or somewhere and you just don't know where to put the other cubes. What a problem eh? Haha. So we gave up and went back to school.

Sorry for lying, folks. =[ I've been a bad girl. =]] I don't wanna do that next week and the weeks after that. BLAME CJ! Haha. I don't wanna spend too much money. We'll just go to the computer lab and just go on the internet. =]]

Yesterday, I didn't go to school cos my mom said so. BOO. =[ My brothers weren't home yet that time cos the car broke down or something in Tagaytay. I don't know what happened really though. So, most likely my dad got lazy driving me to school. AND my mom didn't want me to commute. So I won't go to school. BAH. I felt bad about it and just slept the whole day. And now I'm screwed cos they were asked to form a group for a business company and it's allowed to have only 4 members and Cerisse, CJ, Kevin and Angela are groupmates since I wasn't there. And they're already four. So no more room for me. =[ Ohhaii. I can do it. Time to meet new people, yeah? I suck at that sometimes. I get scared. LOL. =[

I think I'm gonna play Ragnarok now or read a book. Or go to tumblr. Or something. I've no class today since I'm off every Monday and Friday. Goodie! :D I wanna watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. And download the new ep of Gossip Girl. DAMNNNN. I haven't watched they Ep14 yetttt! =[[[ This one's pretty long now. Thanks for reading though! :) Happy New Year! =]

I'm gonna leave you guys with this YouTube video I found:

I didn't know someone translated it to english. Haha. Pretty cool. =] I'll always love this song.

Finals and Christmas Break

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman


The MMA life.
Source: Weheartit

Finals is just around the corner, so as Christmas break. I can't wait for this term to be over. I still have pending things to do like my COLREND final plate, COMGRAP printfolio and our group project and FREHAND plates. I just want to get it all over with. But it seems like I'm taking it easy. UH-OH. But I can do this. Konti na langggg. Mas nakakapagod sa susunod pang mga terms. I'm just lazy, that's all.

And I just love December. Malamig noh? Sana ganun na lang lagi sa Pinas. Kahit sa araw. :)) Asa lang. :]]

So I just wanted to blog here. Tagal na kasi e. I often post on my Tumblr though. :D I'm here in our school's COMLAB, waiting for my next class. I didn't go to my first class cos I was late. And I haven't finished my painting yet. Just 15 minutes to go for my next class. Or I mean, for my 1st class to end. :p

Laters! =]

Listening to: Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron and Wine ♥

Death is easy. Life is harder.

-Bella, Twilight Movie