Unorganized blah. Me-talk.

I often get frustrated already.

I am frustrated with a lot of things: music, drawing, Photoshop, digital arts, writing, studies, and myself. Yes, I am frustrated with things I love and love to do. I know I should use this frustration as a drive to get better and that I should make the people good at the things I mentioned above as an inspiration. My optimistic self says that I can be better, that I can learn how to be better, that I can do what people good at those things can do; but my pessimistic self(I just knew I have this, I never thought I could have this in me, sad) tells me to give up already, and that I can never be good at those things.

I want to do what my optimistic self tells me to do because it's what the Cha I know would do. But on the contrary, my body and mind follows what my pessimistic self says.

I hate it. So much drama. Bakit ba kasi ang drama ko? Hay. O baka masyado lang akong nag-iisip?

-

Nowadays, I easily give up. I easily get tired and lazy. I easily get scared of the unknown. I easily get scared of the uncertain. Now that's not so me. It's not the Charlene I know. I'm usually game for challenges, for the future, for everything. Now.. it's different, very.

-

I realize my life is becoming a routine.

Everyday, I wake up, take a bath, eat, go to school, sleep in the car for almost 1hour waiting to reach school, sit in class, listen to my profs, talk to my blockmates, hang-out with them, eat lunch, go to class again, try to listen to my profs, talk to my blockmates while the prof is discussing something, wait for dismissal, wait for sundo, go to office, wait there until 6-8pm, sleep while waiting for us to go home, go home, arrive at home, go to room, open computer, go downstairs, eat dinner, computer/internet, set phone alarm, sleep. Then the next day, I do the same thing over again.

I'm scared that the time will come when I will get tired with my life. I hope not. I don't want that. Kaya lang, feeling ko malapit na yun dumating. Ayoko man, pero ganun ang nararamdaman ko. Actually, I'm starting to get tired of my life now. I feel guilty saying that thinking of the number of people out there who's dying to experience a good life just like mine. But it's what I feel. Sad. Maybe I'm just tired. I thought I already got to recharge myself, but it seems like I'm running out of battery again.

Three weeks left until 2nd term ends. 26 days until Christmas. 33 days until 2008.
I can't wait for 2nd term to end. I can't feel that Christmas is approaching. I'm dying for this year to end already.

2007 is a good year for me and for my family. It is. It really is. But I don't get why I can't wait for it to end already.

And for 16 years of my existence, I still don't get myself.

-

If you actually know me, you'll say I don't have any worries, that I am a happy and optimistic person because you'll always see me smiling, laughing or making people . Actually, I am. Or maybe, I was. That's the Cha I know. Now? I kind of doubt if I really am Cha.

My head hurts and I am blurred as my eyes.

I blame myself that my computer has 329 threats because I didn't download AVG first.

My post is unorganized and blah. Yes? Oh well, whatever. I can't think straight.

My head hurts.
My head hurts.

Good night. :)

-
[edit]
maybe I am just thinking too much. I am so pakeen emotional. The hell. Hmph. I don't understand myselffffffffffffffffffffff since last night. Gahhhhh. What should I do to make myself feel better? Mygally.

-
Help save the environment.

[/edit]

Parteeyyy month.

November is my party month. 3 out of 4 Saturdays this month(including this coming Saturday - the 24th), I've been out. YAY! Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays... and more birthdays. Most of the people I know have their birthdays during November, actually October-November. But this month, my Saturdays were really hectic(yuck, peling sikat? haha joke lang).

The first Saturday of this month, I told my parents and brothers that my blockmate will have her debut(it's an informal one) and it'll be a costume party(Halloween e, hehe). It was in Makati, near Greenbelt which was very far from where I live. GAH, North to South. The next week, I told them that my high school classmate was going to celebrate his birthday. It was a false alarm though. I really thought it was that Saturday which was the 10th, only to find out that it's not until the week after that. Haha. I didn't know his birthday was on the 17th(bad, haha). So I was stuck at home, in front of the PC. The problem was, it's my high school senior ka-barkada 18th birthday party that same night my high school classmate's birthday. GAH. So just like last year, I attended two birthday parties on the same night. And now, my high school super friend is celebrating her birthday on the 24th although her birthday is on the 23rd.

Last Sunday, my mom and dad told me, "Walang party ngayong Saturday ah." I was like, "Hala." HAHA. Grabe. I had the feeling that they don't believe me anymore. Haha. But WTH man, the birthday parties were actually true! Like, I'm gonna lie to them? I have never ever done that in my life just to get out on weekends. I swear! I'm a good girl. LOL. I can't blame them though. If I put myself on their shoes, it's really doubtful that every week my excuse was "Birthday nung kaklase ko dati e, si Ano.." But what can I say? They can't blame me either. It's not my fault that most of the people I know were born on the month of November. To think that most of them are my high school super friends, of course, I would not want to miss their birthday celebrations for anything else! Why? Because I so miss them! I miss hanging out with them and we have a lot of catching up to do. I've been dying to see them since the reunion last July and some, since graduation.

So for Saturday, I asked them last night if I can go so I can inform my former classmate if I can go or not. Fortunately, they agreed. Yey! Man, this was the only month where I went out every weekend. I swear. Since school started, every weekend, I've been at home being a bum. Sleeping or whatever. Lol. And this Saturday is the last party I'll go to.. hmm, I take it back. LOL. December is coming up which means another high school get together. I hope! Haha. :D

--extra--
Anyway, last November 17 was really a fun fun night! When two of my high school senior barkada saw me, they were both screaming and jumping! HAHAHA. Imagine us doing that outside Starbucks, Convergy's. Haha. Aww, it was a happy sight. My favorite line that night was, "So, kamusta ka naman, *name*?" Haha. The time we spent together wasn't enough because we arrived at my ka-barkada's house at almost 9pm because we were waiting for them at Convergy's. We didn't know the way to her house and I actually forgot na rin. Layo kasi, madaming pasikot-sikot. Tipong, madaming villages sa isang village(Filinvest II). Haha. Gah. So, we didn't have the time to really talk about things. But it was really great seeing them again. After that, we went to Eastwood to go to another party. There were only 5 of us from my friend's debut who went. We got there at around 11pm. It was so late! People were waiting for us and our former classmate didn't know where to celebrate his birthday in Ewood. Haha, great. It was his(or her, haha) first time. It was a Saturday, obviously, everything's full. But it was okay, we went to Ipanema. Sosyal, lumelevel-up na sila, buma-bar na ngayon. Haha. It was super fun! But it was scary at the same time. HAHA. Shocks. I'm not used to seeing people grinding and stuff anymore. I was like, "Eww, wth." Haha. But this really freaked me out! I was dancing with my friends who all have their partners, and I don't have one(haha), then this guy made his way between my friends and danced in front of me. DAMNIT! =)) I didn't know what to do! Grabe. I hid at the back of my classmate thinking that he will get the signal that I don't want to dance with people I don't know(lol). But he followed me and kept on dancing. WTF. =)) Fortunately, my former girl classmate saved my life. LOL. She made his way between the guy and me and she danced with the guy. WHEW. Then she asked, "Ok ka lang, Cha?" Hahaha. WTFWTF. Then there's this other guy who kept looking(wthhhhh!!) and is slowly getting nearer and nearer. Tipong humahanap ng tiempo. When I saw that, I told my guy friend, "Uy, Kevin! Palit tayo ng pwesto.. dito ka, dyan ako! Please please!" :)) Then, the guy went away and went back to his friends. HAHA. BS. I'm really thankful I was with my friends. They're really super! Haha. Sabi nga naming mga girls, "Buti na lang andyan yung mga machong bantay natin." Haha. Buti na lang talaga! Di na talaga ako sanay. =)) But overall, it was a really fun night! I went home at around 2am. Yay. I'm looking forward to hang out with them again. :D

--pictures--









photos by Kevin Mata. (Kamusta yon, nagppicture-an kami habang nagsasayaw? Haha.)

Bubbly.

WARNING: Random post. Tagalog. Wala, gusto ko lang magkwento. LOL.

Bubbly? Bakit nga ba bubbly ang title neto? Wala lang, LSS kasi ako sa song na yan ngayon. Ganda eh. Bubbly by Colbie Calait. Narealize ko paiba-iba talaga ang taste ko sa music. Merong mas nangingibabaw sa ibang genre at a certain point pero gusto ko pa rin yung ibang genres. Ay, labo. Haha.

Hindi pala dapat Bubbly ang title ng post kong 'to. Dapat "headache" or "bugbok na utak ko". Wala lang. Kagabi kasi bugbog na bugbog utak ko. Siguro buong araw akong nakatutok sa computer at himala, sinipag akong gawin ang website na pinapagawa sa 'kin nila kuya. Yey for me! First time kong gumawa ng website na .com. Yung tipong ako talaga yung administrator. Grr. So I'm still figuring out how things work. It's still under construction. Pero grabe, pag-figure out ko na nga lang pano gawing mail.domain.com yung Webmail instead dun sa binigay na domain.com:2095 (dba ganyan?), namroblema na ko. Eh syempre baka malimutan nila yung number sa dulo. Hehe. Pero buti na lang nagawa ko rin! domain.com/mail nga lang pero ayos na yun. Masaya na 'ko dun. Thanks nga pala kay Christian sa pagtulong rin sa 'kin. Bugbog rin pala ang kamay ko kaka-type. Linalagay ko kasi mga contacts sa address book ng email nila. At may email rin akong bago under sa domain name na yun, lol. Kung may bayad lang sana ako dito dba, eh wala e. Free food, board & lodging, education and other stuffs lang naman. That's basically my life. So ok na lang rin.

Inayos ko rin yung gallery ng konti. Ganun pala yung gamit ng Fantastico noh? Hahaha. Ngayon ko lang na-gets. Di ko alam anong use nyan dati eh. LOL. Newb! to think na nagddesign ako ng websites for almost 5 years na rin. My gally! I know I still have a lot to learn. GO MMA! Hehehe. Sabi ko rin, 7pm ang cut-off time ko sa work na yan. Eh ayoko tumigil hangga't hindi ko naaayos yung hindi pa naayos. Ayun, umabot ako ng mga 10pm. May break pa yun kasi kumain, syempre. LOL. At dahil dyan...

Hindi ko nagawa ang COMSK1x(Communication Skills 1) homework namin na nakakabugbog rin ng utak. Grabe. Tungkol sa Thesis Statement yun. Na-miscarriage pa kasi yung orig. prof namin so na-replace sya. And the replacement will be our prof until the end of the term. Great. Pahirap. Pero ayos lang rin, kasi mas may natututunan kami sa kanya. Kung sana nagawa ko yun nung Friday or Saturday. Hay eto nanaman ako. :| Gusto ko na 'tong baguhin! Nakakainis.

So pumasok ako, late ng mga 10minutes. Grr. Late nanaman ako nagising. Buti na lang evaluation ng teachers. Eh mahaba yun, so na-consume ng pageevaluate namin yung isang oras na period sa karamihan ng subjects. Natatakot ako kasi wala akong HW sa COMSK1x. LOL. Buti na lang may consideration yung prof. Ngayon lang daw yun. Bait nun sa 'min(medyo). Haha. Nung una 2:30pm daw ang deadline. Tapos nagbigay nung isa pang HW due on Wednesday(I'll make sure na nagawa ko na 'to beforehand lol) at take home quiz due on Friday. Ang galeennng. Ngayon lang kami nakapag-take home quiz. HAHA. After nun, nagbago isip nya, minove nya yung deadline ng HW namin ng 4:00. Ang saya saya. Eh dapat di na kami gagawa. Mga kasama ko kasi eh. Pero sa isip ko, sayang naman yung binigay na extension ni Ms. kung di ko gagawin. Sayang ang grade!!! So ginawa ko. Nagpunta kami ng isaw-an tapos after pumasok kami sa internet shop malapit dun. Tinulungan rin ako ng blockmate ko. Tapos napass ko! Ewan ko kung tama pinaglalagay ko dun. Basta nagawa ko. LOL.

Wala lang. :))

Hmm, para sa 'kin, masaya sa school. Ewan ko, basta lagi akong masaya pag nasa school. Bakit ba ganun? Kayo ba? Hehe.

Wala lang ulit. LOL. Ganda ng post ko no. Haha.
--
RENZ! Pano na yung blogger commenting code? LOL. =p

Life and Death.

I just realized how life can be so short. I mean I know how life can be really short and we all die in the end of our journey here on earth. Maybe I just don't want to believe that it works that way.

Life can be easily made by two people who had intercourse then after 5 days or a week, next thing you know, you're pregnant or you're gonna be a parent. Wait for 9 months and then you'll see God's blessing: life. If that's how fast life can be created, that's also how fast life can be taken away from you. Maybe just multiply that two times faster 'cause that's really how fast life can be taken away, in just a second or a milli-second. It's sad but it's reality. We will never know when our life will end. We will never know when a loved one will go. No matter how we don't want it to happen, it's inevitable. And no matter how much we pray for our loved one to not go and how much we pray for our enemy to kill themselves, if it's their time to go, it's their time.

I wrote this post because my Aunt died yesterday. I was shocked. I don't know exactly what happened but I know she's sick. Even before. I didn't ask the details though. As I was eating my Burger Steak from Jollibee in our office, my mom said, "Cha, text mo si Joyce(she's my cousin)." And I said, "Bakit?", "Namatay mommy nya. Si Auntie Edel mo." I couldn't utter a single word after she said that. I was just shocked. I saw her last summer, I think, when we went to General Santos. We even stayed at their house for one night. No one knew she was gonna go this same year. Days before yesterday, I even got to chat with my cousin in YM. It was their sembreak and we (me, my other cousin and her) were catching up with things. 'Cause we're far from each other and I don't have any cousins here in Manila with the same age as mine. I always ask her how she is and she said she's okay. I wonder how she is now? I didn't get to text her either. T_T I hope they're fine.

I also got to write this post because we watched Kubrador last Thursday in our Economics class but didn't get to finish it so we got to finish it today. The last part was shocking and sad, very. Kubrador is a film about illegal gambling and how less fortunate people engage in it and how the ones in position, particularly in the government, are very much involved in funding jueteng. The last part was the scene about All Soul's Day and people were going to the cemetery to visit their late loved ones. Gina Pareno(the main character) and her family visits her son's grave, who was in the AFP(Armed Forces of the Philippines). She then left and wandered around the cemetery's vicinity. There were a lot of people and since at those times, people's heads get to heat up and get annoyed. There was a scene where a jeepney and a car bumped into each other and both drivers started heating up. The car driver beat the jeepney driver but eventually, the jeepney driver got up and went to his jeepney to get a batuta to beat the car driver. But the car driver got to run to his car and held his gun. He pointed it to the jeepney driver but the driver got to run away. While he was running, the car driver fired the gun and a by-stander got hit in the left side of his chest instead of the jeepney driver. Gina Pareno got grazed and she and the by-stander both fell down. At first we thought she was the one who got shot but she wasn't. It was so sad that an innocent by-stander gets hit by a shot that wasn't even meant for him! The fact that your life can be taken away just like that is so sad. The fact that you didn't have anything to do with the riot at all. Man. We didn't know if the man who got shot died but he was rushed to the hospital almost 50/50. It's sad because it happens in reality. And it's sad that it happens in the Philippines.

Our life is a blessing and we should be thankful that we're still here today. We should be thankful that our loved ones who are still here are still here beside us. As I said, we will never know when we will go and when our loved ones will go, so we should make them feel how special they are to us. How thankful we are for having them, how much we love and care for them. Although I am guilty about that because I don't make them feel special everyday. I have my faults. But then again, while there is still time to do it, let's start doing it right away.

We should also make the most out of our lives. I have these goals in life written on my desktop and some of these goals are to make a difference and be happy. I want to know what am I here for and what my purpose is here on earth. I want to make a change because I know I can, even in my own little way. As the saying goes, we should live life to the fullest. Enjoy it while we can. Experience things, know our limitations, take risks, make mistakes and learn from it.

I am glad that I enjoy my life to the fullest(well maybe not that fullestEST). I let myself experience things. I take risks. I make mistakes. I learn from it. And I know my limitations. I know what I want and I have dreams I want to achieve.

I am thankful and grateful for having my family and my friends. They're the very reason why I keep on hanging. Every night, I thank God for everything He has given me and for letting me survive this day. Every night, I thank Him for my family and friends. For me, they're the GREATEST blessing I'll ever have.

Life and death: an inevitable reality.

"All endings are also beginnings we just don't know it at that time.." - Mitch Albom, author of Tuesdays with Morrie; Five People You Meet in Heaven
It's almost the same as, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."

I believe it's true. Don't you think?

Week-long vacation, Cost-cutting & Birthdays.

Hey everyone. How's your vacation bloggers? It's pretty long especially for those who are having their sembreaks. It's nice to recharge our energies after a stressful day, week, month, term, semester or whatsoever. My vacation was pretty nice although I just stayed at home. At least I don't have any homeworks, quizzes and projects to worry about now. ^_^ I'm just relaxing. Hehe. Midterms is already finished just last Wednesday. Filipino was our last midterm and it was okay. I was late though. Lol. Damn you 7am classes! Anyway, our online enlistment starts on Monday. I'm gonna get a good schedule! NO MORE 7AM CLASSES FOR ME! Nu-uh! There's no way, kokey! Haha. I hope I can be classmates with some of my blockmates in 3rd term. In at least one to two subjects! Or if I'm lucky, all subjects. Haha. It's possible, isn't it?

Anyway, aside from worrying about the online enlistment, 'cause we all don't know how to yet, our 2nd half for 2nd term starts on Monday! It means another set of projects, quizzes and all those school works! It's time to change my way of doing things. I should start doing it right away and not wait 2 or 3 days before the deadline to come knocking at my door. Why? 'Cause it sucks. It's stressful. It means sleepless nights and pressure. I hate it. I don't want myself to get used to it. I don't want my work to pile up! Kelangan ko na magsipag ulit. I should follow my schedules. What in the world are organizers for? It's useless if I don't follow it. :| I wonder what's in Starbucks for Christmas? LOL. We worked hard for our Starbucks planners last year, mind you. Yes, we worked hard for it. Working hard means getting ourselves broke at the end of the year just to get that freakin' planner! But it's fine, we wanted it anyway. And I get to bond with my friends a lot during those days. I miss those times! Plus you have your favorite Starbucks drink with you. Ahhhh, love! Haha. But now, I don't go to Starbucks often. Cost-cutting ako eh. But even if I cut my starbucks indulgences, I'm still broke. Damnit. Christmas is fast approaching and I don't have money to buy gifts! Nagagastos ko yung ipon ko. Di pa rin ako nakakapag-start mag-ipon. Gastos ko kasi. I HATE IT. Hindi pwede ito. :| Pano na ang gusto kong tablet? at and DSLR? Hmpp. Idagdag mo pa sa gastos ang online shopping sa multiply. WAHH. ARGH. Okay, stop. This needs action. Kelangan ko na talaga mag-ipon. -_- Kaya ko 'to.

It's unusual of me to blog at this time. It's 1:47am on my computer clock. I got home at around 12 something AM from Makati. It was my blockmate's debut at Toyz Cafe. It was an informal one. And since it's Halloween, it's a costume party. I wore a white bubble dress with butterfly wings and wand. LOL. I'm a fairy! Hahaha. It was fun. Tumugtog ang Day One Movement. Si Sib Sibulo yung vocalist nila. Grabe, ang lapit ko sa stage. Literally! Tipong nasa harap ko na yung band. Ako lang yung andun malapit sa kanila. Walang gustong maki-share sa inuupuan ko. Sofa kasi yun. Hahaha, nakakahiyang tumingin sa banda. Atsaka magkaka-stiff neck ako kung pinanood ko sila buong set nila. Di ko kasi maharap sa stage yung sofa, mabigat e. I also got a gift certificate worth P1,000 from Rudy Project. Sponsor kasi nila. So lahat nung naka-costume, may gift certificate. Sponsor rin pala niya yung Coors Light. Libre ang beer namin! Hahaha. Yung invitation, may stub pa para sa vodka. Parang ticket lang e noh. Haha. Pure vodka pala yung nainom ko kanina. Di ko alam yun talaga. Akala ko nahaluan na siya ng lime para di malakas ang tama. Pero wala namang epekto sakin. Haha. At ayoko talaga ng lasa ng beer. Di ako beer person. Atsaka occasionally lang naman ako umiinom. Mabait ako e. Wahehehe.

My next birthday stop will be on November... 17. Which means.. I can't go to my org's Photo-Video Workshop which will be held on Nov.17-18. It's an out-of-town trip to Bataan. I sossss wanna go! But heck, I promised Nikita(my high school ka-barkada) that I'll go. And I miss my high school friends. It's one way of bonding with them again. Debut pala yun. Pero simple lang, sa bahay lang niya. Marami talagang may birthday tuwing November. At least sa mga kakilala ko, marami ang November. One year na pala nakalipas. Last year dalawang birthday party in-attend-an namin sa same na araw. After nung birthday party ni Nikita nun sa bahay nila, pumunta naman kami sa birthday party ng isa pa naming barkada sa Timog. High school pa ko nun. Ang saya. Pero ngayon, shet, college na. Ang bilis pa ng araw. 17 na ko next year! Legal na ang iba sa 'min nun. Ako 2 years pa. Tumatanda na talaga kami. Kaya live life to the fullest. Time flies by so fast. Ay bago pa pala ako mag-17, magpaPasko at New Year muna. Masyado akong excited e. Haha.

Mahaba na 'to. Masyado akong madaldal. Haha. Thanks for taking the time to read though. Take care bloggers! :)