We're all waiting for something.

Yesterday, I had a dream. You were there. Sigh. I rarely dream you know. But whenever I do, you never fail to be in it. I dreamed that you were here. It's always like that for the past what, 3 months? 4? I can't remember. Whenever I dream about you, it's always about you being here. Guess that won't happen sooner. Even this year.

My dream was too funny though btw. I can just ROTFLMAO at my self. I dreamed he was dancing like in a school fair or something, an event in my old high school and my friends and I were there and he was with his friends. And we were all going crazy with their moves. And I never thought he could dance like that. Breakdance, even. So I guess my face was like doing the "O" thing with my mouth and my eyes wide open. LOL. And I was screaming like a fangirl. And when I woke up I was just like, WTF! ROFL! And then followed by, gah I dreamed about him again. Well at least in my dreams, he's there. But in IRL he doesn't show up nowadays. I think it's my fault.

01.29.2009 [from my Tumblr]

push

I don’t get it. I don’t get you. I don’t get why.

What the hell did I do wrong? As far as I know, nothing. Heck, we don’t even talk much nowadays. And when we do, even just a 4-line conversation, it hurts.

You know why?

Because it feels like you’re pushing me away.

And I don’t know why you do.

You’re not always like that. It’s just recently you’ve been really pushing me away and it hurts so bad.

Right now, I’m in my most down time of my life. I’m not usually like this and it doesn’t show. But this is the point in my life where I’m tired, bored, lazy that I forget what I want, or what my goals are or what my priorities are. I know I’m messed up but I’m trying to get it back together.

And then, when a person I really treasure and care for just pushes you away when you need someone the most, how would that feel?

It. Fckn. Hurts. Big time.

Now.

Sometimes, I think if it’s you staying away from me that made me think you’re pushing me away, or it’s me pushing you away that made you want to stay away.

Makes sense. I don't know who pushed who away. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes it's me. But you know what?

I guess, we're just both scared.

And that made us run away from each other.

Shit I miss you. I hate to admit it but yeah.



And now what? I ran. I pushed you away.

Or hmm I guess we both had mistakes. Damn man, we're friends and this is what we do with it. This is what I did with it. I guess every thing's only me or I, cos I think it's all one-sided. It's just me over thinking. In cases like these, even when I have gut feels about what one is thinking/feeling, I don't usually go with it. I'm mostly pessimistic when it comes to these, and not to mention scared. On to other things, I'm mostly optimistic and brave. Sigh.

Guess I have to wait till summer. Or I don't know. I really wish you'd show up again this summer. Please just don't pass out on my birthday. It's my 18th.

You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.
-Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

[images from tumblr]

This just suck, every single recent posts I have here is about him. Gah.