Dedicated to the one I'll always love

That's the thing about letting old lovers go. You don't stop loving some of them. There are a couple you love no less than you ever did. You're not going to try and make it work again, but if they needed you, you'd drop everything.
(via tumblr)

I know I will.

Now what's left are the memories
When you we're mine
-All again for you, We The Kings

But I wasn't yours. Just 'cos I was too blind to see. And too young to know. Ha, so very young. We did not know what we know now.

Some people I know can let it go. They say 'cos it's over and done. Pabayaan na, ganun talaga eh, wala nang magagawa. (Just leave it, there's nothing I can do about it.) That's what a friend told me when I told her about this story that I really can't take this person off my mind, and she also told a story kind of the same thing as mine. Only that she's moved on from that and she experienced it earlier than me. And they're still good friends. Our situations have differences though.

I have not fully told the story to you guys yet so you may not fully understand what I'm saying. But you can listen to the song, Maybe This Time by Murphy Michael. You can pretty much have an idea what my story is from there.

As for me, I don't know why I can't go. Maybe it's because of the almost-whole-life friendship we had. Maybe it's the distance. Maybe because despite all the changes I had in my life and all the changes he had in him, I still see that same person back when we were young and clueless. Maybe because I see the kid that I was then. Maybe because it's because he believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and when I felt no one did. Maybe because after 2 years of not being fully in contact and when he came back to the picture last year, it was like nothing changed. It was like the good old times, good old friends meeting again. Even just virtually.

And then I felt something I can't explain. It's like I felt every emotion I can think of right now. Happiness above all. Maybe it's because I reconnected with a friend again, maybe because I missed him so much, or maybe it's much deeper than that. Sadness. Maybe it's self-inflicted. Numbness. I didn't know why. Maybe because it was summer and I had nothing to do. Better. I don't wake up at 9 or 10 in the morning during summer. Ever. It was all because I just want to catch and talk to him. And then months went............

..School started.
..I turned 17.
..My term ended.
..Second term.
..Debuts I attended.
..Projects I made.
..Stresses from school.
..December.

I still couldn't take him off my mind. It wasn't like this at all in the past. Or I just couldn't remember. I tried to not think of him.

My friend, the one I mentioned above with kinda the same story as mine, and I had a deal that by the end of October or November last year, it'll all be over. All will be fine for me. I tried. Hard. I can say I was kind of successful with that. We had no communication that time, btw. For two months. I catch him online at times, but we never talk. And I never try to. So that was kind of, because he still slipped from my mind every now and then. Even when I was doing something really important. And then end of 2nd term came! I was so excited for the holiday break. One because I badly needed a rest. Two because I know I would preoccupy myself with things that I know I could not think of him. Three because well, it's Christmas.

BUT WELL HELLO! The invisible became visible. I was at home that time, nervous waiting for my grade in this one subject. Then I thought of opening my Messenger, which I haven't done for months. I wanted to know if I had e-mails in that address, which I also haven't checked for months. And then, bambabambam! There he was. Assuming I was okay, talked to him, asked what's up, and it went well. I did well. I thought that was just for one day. But he was there the next day, and the next day after that and the next and so on. And I thought I would use the holidays to preoccupy myself with stuff. He's always on a good timing, you know. Every single time.

So yes. Four months after that deal I had with my friend, up to now... I haven't done it successfully yet. Which is sad.

Now I try to do that not-think-of-him thing again. So... I stay away.

Even if I know I won't fully be able to.

But whatever happens, in the future or what.. he'll always have a special place in my heart.

I guess once you love someone and admit it, there's no coming back. It's a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart, because once you have loved that someone, it doesn't go away. You're forced to care.. and though how much you wish to prevent it, deep inside-- YOU KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS BE SPECIAL.

:)