..how I run over to MySpace to look at my new comments only to be disappointed that it's not from you.
..how I make it a point to wake up early in the morning 2 hours before lunch time during the summer just to catch you and talk to you.
..how I used to be so paranoid if I should talk or not. Then again, you always talk first.
..how you made me feel a lot of things at the same time that I cannot comprehend.
..how my heart still jumps at the sound of the MSN new e-mail message and see it coming from MySpace, then realizing that it's not from you and will never be from you... at this time of the year.
..how we used to be really good friends and now we grew apart.
..how pathetic that I write all these stuff when I'm supposed to be thinking if I should let go and move on.
..how I always say that I'll let go and move on when in truth, I actually can't. And don't want to.
Srsly, what's there to let go of? A good friendship since forever? Definitely not. The happiness I feel? No, I don't want to feel again the numbness I felt. Then what? ...I'm afraid if I let this feeling go, whatever this feeling is, that I might go back to being sad and unalive. I definitely don't want that.
Then what am I to do? Hold on? It's scary. Holding on to something you are unsure or have no assurance of. It makes me think if what I'm doing is right. Or if this is worth it. Or maybe I'm just holding on because this is what makes me happy for the moment? I tried moving on, for two months I did. I thought it would be better. But no, it didn't do any better. I felt not myself. And then I stopped. Click. Boom. I finally saw the light. I made myself accept the facts that I was trying so hard to deny.
Or maybe I'm just holding on because I'm scared to move on and let the past go? No. I'm not scared. I've been scared moving on but usually I'm successful with it. Letting the past go? Well, maybe I haven't totally let the past go. Because surely, most people would agree with me on this, the old times were so much better. Back when life was simpler and you were young and all you care about are your toys and all that stuff kids appreciate. Don't you miss the old days? We complicate as we grow older. And life becomes complicated as well. I believe I've let go of the past. Let go, not forget. I learned from it, a lot. And I moved on. Or else I won't be here. I won't be where I am today and I definitely won't fight for what I want. I definitely won't want to prove to people how I can stand up again from a hard fall. I definitely won't be this a better person.
So what?
I have so much thoughts left to ponder on.
Life, that's just the way it is. And we have to deal with it.
It's funny, how I still hold on to something I have no hold of.
Thought you should know I tried my best to let go of you But I don't want to.
1 comment:
Hey. :) Bloghopping.
It's such a surprise that while I was reading your entry, I felt as if you were talking about my life. Crazy, huh.
I can kind of relate with the feeling of having moved on, or deceiving yourself that you have moved on.
But I think, I've figured out why I keep clamoring for his presence. I miss our friendship, our closeness.
The best thing is to savor your memories and treasure them; but you have to truly acknowledge that it's indeed the PAST and that there's no way to go but to the future.
:) Hehe.
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