I haven't been able to blog and drop by your blogs for 10 days 'cause...
1. We're moving to our new house tomorrow and it has been a very busy week.
2. Finals are coming up, with all the deadlines and all.
3. Since we're moving, we don't have an internet connection, which sucks btw 'cause I have a lot to do which involves a lot of internet stuff.
So now I'm here in our school's Computer Lab.
I'm declaring a HIATUS, though. :)
Maybe when Finals are over or what, I don't know. I miss the internet and blogging though. :o It's just it's a very busy month.
Have a wonderful summer guys! :)
It's a hot hot summer -_-
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Not-so-holy-week.
Last night was the most FUNNEST night I ever had since I don't know when! SRSLY! It was an unexpected get-together, or night out as you may call it.
But anyway, I'm going to start off with my day. First, Mom, Dad and I went to Fairview to check when we can already move some things in the house. Probably, by Monday we can start moving things already since maybe by that time, some parts of the house are already fixed. They said we should already be there on the 31st. I am soo excited! Yep, I am excited now. Haha. Man, it's a lot of work! I saw my room too! It's bigger than my room now. Hooray! I can't wait to decorate and design it, lol. I hope they would allow me to paint it with the color I want to. The only thing I can say about the house is, WOW. I can now imagine the Christmas Party we could have there. We can run around for the relay game. :)) Sobrang init din kahapon, grabe. Mabaliw na yata ako dun. Lakad lang ako ng lakad, paikot-ikot. Hinintay pa kasi namin si kuya Raymond kasama si Ate Therese. When they came, we toured them around the house. Then after, we went to San Benissa to check out Ate Therese's condo unit. We just saw the model unit since the way to her building is still under construction. Ang ganda sobra sa San Benissa! Spanish-inspired nga. I felt like I was in Spain! SRSLYYYY! It was a cute community. Haha, cute. :)) Parang American way of living. Bumili pa kami ng inumin since sobrang uhaw na kami at napakain pa tuloy ng La Paz Batchoy. Haha. We left around 6-ish.
Tapos, napag-alaman kong pupunta pala sila Kuya sa SM para manood ng sine. Ayun, napasama tuloy ako. We watched Meet the Spartans. Laugh trip. Pero di ko masyado nagustuhan na as in super. Di namin naabutan yung first 20 minutes kasi kumain pa kami sa Pizza Hut. But it wasn't the real reason though. Ate Therese and I went to the comfort room which was on the 3rd floor. After, we saw this big black circle and we got curious what's it for. It was asking which is faster to go down, 25-cents, 1-peso or 5-peso. LOL. Promise, sinasayang lang nila ang pera niyo. :)) 5-peso was fastest. LOL. Parang sira lang. Law of gravity chuva daw, ngek. :)) Because of that, we were late. :)) So then, we left SM at 10-ish.
Kuya Jeff invited Ate Therese and Kuya to go to their gig at Mugen, Metrowalk even before we got at SM. I think we weren't supposed to go at Mugen though, but my brother got pissed about something that I don't know what. So we went. I was like, WHAT?! :)) I was wearing a shirt, capri pants and slippers. It was really unexpected. I said, if I would have known that they were going there, I wouldn't come. But after everything, I take that back. I KNEW I SHOULD BE THERE. :)) I would definitely miss the half of my 2008 if I didn't go!
Sobrang sobrang fun talaga! Lahat kami parang 1st time ulit to go in a bar(with bands ah) after we don't know when. Ako siguro nung... basta di ko na matandaan, alam ko simula nung wala na sila kuya. I was surprised that Kuya Carlos was there with them too. Haha. So lahat kaming magkakapatid nandun(except for Kuya Ian of course, 'cause he's in Davao). Wudyubeliv. Along with, Ate Gem, Ate Lhyn, Kuya Sonny and Kuya Ces. So there were 8 of us.
Sa bands kasi, usually 3rd set sila nagpapa-jam. Laging sinasabi ni Kuya Jeff na may magj-jam from Pure Instinct simula pa nung 1st at 2nd set nila. Syempre, na-excite naman kaming lahat kasi sobrang na-miss namin silang mag-perform! Sinasabi ko lagi kay Ate Therese during that time, "Nakakamiss yung ganito." Kasi laging sila(Pure Instinct) ang pinapanood namin 'pag lumalabas. Ngayon, sila na ang kasama namin pag nanonood.. ng ibang banda. :(
Third set came and the jamming started. OHYE. Nung tinawag na si Kuya Amon to play the guitar, and another guy, a Korean, to play the bass, we were all like screaming our lungs out! SOBRA. Lalo naman nung nag-perform na si Kuya. TALAGA NAMAN MEHN. Hataw! They played Play that Funky Music. OMG GRABE TALAGA. FANS CLUB KAMI! :)) After, sigawan talaga! Si Ate Therese ang haba ng hair. Hahaha. Sabi naman ni Kuya Amon, napansin daw niya nung adlib na, bumagal daw siya. Taeng bumagal yan, ayos nga yung pag-perform niya dun. Bumagal pa ang kamay niya sa lagay na yun. Sayang hindi niya ginawa yung exhibition na ginagawa nila ni kuya Ian, yung ilalagay sa likod yung gitara. IDOL TALAGA! It would have been better though if both of them were there, but of course it's not possible.
Akala namin yun na, tapos na, na si kuya Amon lang ang magj-jam. Pero syempre I was hoping na magj-jam pa si Kuya Sonny at Kuya Carlos. When the band said na one more jammer to go, sumigaw si ate Therese, "SONNY! CARLOS!". Sabi ni Kuya Jeff, "Oo, two more pa pala." Sigawan kameeee. :)) Hahaha. Tapos nung tinawag na sila, we were telling them, "Go na! Goooo!" E si Kuya Sonny medyo wala na sa katinuan, haha. Hindi naman, kaya naman, sabog lang siya. :))
Pag-akyat nila ng stage, kwento nila kuya, di daw nila alam anong song yung ip-perform nila, tapos nagulat na lang sila na Bring Me to Life yun. Haha. Edi go. SOBRANG sigaw kami ng sigaw dun! Ang ingay namin! Kami yung pinaka-maingay. Haha. Tapos si Ate Therese sumisigaw, "Magbalikan na kayo! Wala na akong gimik!" :)) Totoo naman e, simula nung wala na sila, hindi na talaga nakakalabas. Sobrang tuwang-tuwa at masayang-masaya ako after. Nag-hug pa nga sila pagtapos e. :D Aw. Sayang hindi kumpleto. Pero okay lang, sobrang masaya naman kasi after how many months, nakita namin sila ulit mag-perform! Si Kuya Jeff nga, hindi siya kasama sa song, nakaupo lang sa tabi, di niya napigilang mapatayo at pumunta rin ng stage e. At some point, I knew they will miss what they were doing for almost 12 years of their lives. And we, also missed them. Sayang kasi talaga. They're still young and they're great at what they do. And with just that, everything fell apart. It was really really sad. I had a hard time accepting that 'cause all my life(srsly!), I've been used to seeing them perform a lot. They were my idols. I seriously don't know how they do it, they're really really good. And I'm not telling this because they're my brothers/cousins. It's because they really are good. Sobrang proud ako tuwing nakikita ko silang mag-perform. Sabi nga ni Kuya Sonny nun, "Nasa dugo natin yan 'tol". Every Wednesday tumutugtog sila Kuya Jeff dun. Btw, Kuya Jeff is my brother's ex-bandmate and Kuya Amon's high school friend, bestfriend. Sabi nila, dapat daw every Wednesday ganun. Then kami yung Wednesday group. :)) Haha.
I can't wait to see them perform again. I plan to make them perform on my debut next year, if ever possible. I would ultimately love that. :D And at last, kagabi rin! NAKITA KO NA RIN SUMAYAW SI KUYA CARLOS! :)) WAHAHAHA. :)) After the jamming kasi, the band played dance songs. Una, nakaupo pa si kuya dun, then I don't remember sinong humila sa kanya para tumayo, then ayun, napasayaw na rin. OHYE. :)) Hahaha. Ang saya, lahat kami sumasayaw nun. Since walang dance floor, dun sa may table. Haha. Nakahilera kami dun na para bang kami lang yung tao. We went home at around 3 to 4-ish. Sumabay ako kila Kuya Ces since andun si Kuya Carlos, they dropped us off at Quezon Ave. since his car was there, wala kasi siyang kasama mag-drive pauwi so ako na lang. Nag-drive thru pa kami sa jollibee. When we got home, mom and dad was awake. :)) Tapos ayun, nagkwentuhan kami sa kwarto nila while eating. I love those moments, it's priceless. :) These moments are priceless. :)
--
Btw, thanks for all your comments guys. <3 style="font-style: italic;">3 and a half years lang dun, tri-sem kasi. Mag-2nd year na siya e, konti na lang graduate na." And I was telling my mom when we were in the house, "Napalayo naman ako." She said, "Okay lang, kelangan lang maaga gumising." So yeah. YEEE. :D
But anyway, I'm going to start off with my day. First, Mom, Dad and I went to Fairview to check when we can already move some things in the house. Probably, by Monday we can start moving things already since maybe by that time, some parts of the house are already fixed. They said we should already be there on the 31st. I am soo excited! Yep, I am excited now. Haha. Man, it's a lot of work! I saw my room too! It's bigger than my room now. Hooray! I can't wait to decorate and design it, lol. I hope they would allow me to paint it with the color I want to. The only thing I can say about the house is, WOW. I can now imagine the Christmas Party we could have there. We can run around for the relay game. :)) Sobrang init din kahapon, grabe. Mabaliw na yata ako dun. Lakad lang ako ng lakad, paikot-ikot. Hinintay pa kasi namin si kuya Raymond kasama si Ate Therese. When they came, we toured them around the house. Then after, we went to San Benissa to check out Ate Therese's condo unit. We just saw the model unit since the way to her building is still under construction. Ang ganda sobra sa San Benissa! Spanish-inspired nga. I felt like I was in Spain! SRSLYYYY! It was a cute community. Haha, cute. :)) Parang American way of living. Bumili pa kami ng inumin since sobrang uhaw na kami at napakain pa tuloy ng La Paz Batchoy. Haha. We left around 6-ish.
Tapos, napag-alaman kong pupunta pala sila Kuya sa SM para manood ng sine. Ayun, napasama tuloy ako. We watched Meet the Spartans. Laugh trip. Pero di ko masyado nagustuhan na as in super. Di namin naabutan yung first 20 minutes kasi kumain pa kami sa Pizza Hut. But it wasn't the real reason though. Ate Therese and I went to the comfort room which was on the 3rd floor. After, we saw this big black circle and we got curious what's it for. It was asking which is faster to go down, 25-cents, 1-peso or 5-peso. LOL. Promise, sinasayang lang nila ang pera niyo. :)) 5-peso was fastest. LOL. Parang sira lang. Law of gravity chuva daw, ngek. :)) Because of that, we were late. :)) So then, we left SM at 10-ish.
Kuya Jeff invited Ate Therese and Kuya to go to their gig at Mugen, Metrowalk even before we got at SM. I think we weren't supposed to go at Mugen though, but my brother got pissed about something that I don't know what. So we went. I was like, WHAT?! :)) I was wearing a shirt, capri pants and slippers. It was really unexpected. I said, if I would have known that they were going there, I wouldn't come. But after everything, I take that back. I KNEW I SHOULD BE THERE. :)) I would definitely miss the half of my 2008 if I didn't go!
Sobrang sobrang fun talaga! Lahat kami parang 1st time ulit to go in a bar(with bands ah) after we don't know when. Ako siguro nung... basta di ko na matandaan, alam ko simula nung wala na sila kuya. I was surprised that Kuya Carlos was there with them too. Haha. So lahat kaming magkakapatid nandun(except for Kuya Ian of course, 'cause he's in Davao). Wudyubeliv. Along with, Ate Gem, Ate Lhyn, Kuya Sonny and Kuya Ces. So there were 8 of us.
Sa bands kasi, usually 3rd set sila nagpapa-jam. Laging sinasabi ni Kuya Jeff na may magj-jam from Pure Instinct simula pa nung 1st at 2nd set nila. Syempre, na-excite naman kaming lahat kasi sobrang na-miss namin silang mag-perform! Sinasabi ko lagi kay Ate Therese during that time, "Nakakamiss yung ganito." Kasi laging sila(Pure Instinct) ang pinapanood namin 'pag lumalabas. Ngayon, sila na ang kasama namin pag nanonood.. ng ibang banda. :(
Third set came and the jamming started. OHYE. Nung tinawag na si Kuya Amon to play the guitar, and another guy, a Korean, to play the bass, we were all like screaming our lungs out! SOBRA. Lalo naman nung nag-perform na si Kuya. TALAGA NAMAN MEHN. Hataw! They played Play that Funky Music. OMG GRABE TALAGA. FANS CLUB KAMI! :)) After, sigawan talaga! Si Ate Therese ang haba ng hair. Hahaha. Sabi naman ni Kuya Amon, napansin daw niya nung adlib na, bumagal daw siya. Taeng bumagal yan, ayos nga yung pag-perform niya dun. Bumagal pa ang kamay niya sa lagay na yun. Sayang hindi niya ginawa yung exhibition na ginagawa nila ni kuya Ian, yung ilalagay sa likod yung gitara. IDOL TALAGA! It would have been better though if both of them were there, but of course it's not possible.
Akala namin yun na, tapos na, na si kuya Amon lang ang magj-jam. Pero syempre I was hoping na magj-jam pa si Kuya Sonny at Kuya Carlos. When the band said na one more jammer to go, sumigaw si ate Therese, "SONNY! CARLOS!". Sabi ni Kuya Jeff, "Oo, two more pa pala." Sigawan kameeee. :)) Hahaha. Tapos nung tinawag na sila, we were telling them, "Go na! Goooo!" E si Kuya Sonny medyo wala na sa katinuan, haha. Hindi naman, kaya naman, sabog lang siya. :))
Pag-akyat nila ng stage, kwento nila kuya, di daw nila alam anong song yung ip-perform nila, tapos nagulat na lang sila na Bring Me to Life yun. Haha. Edi go. SOBRANG sigaw kami ng sigaw dun! Ang ingay namin! Kami yung pinaka-maingay. Haha. Tapos si Ate Therese sumisigaw, "Magbalikan na kayo! Wala na akong gimik!" :)) Totoo naman e, simula nung wala na sila, hindi na talaga nakakalabas. Sobrang tuwang-tuwa at masayang-masaya ako after. Nag-hug pa nga sila pagtapos e. :D Aw. Sayang hindi kumpleto. Pero okay lang, sobrang masaya naman kasi after how many months, nakita namin sila ulit mag-perform! Si Kuya Jeff nga, hindi siya kasama sa song, nakaupo lang sa tabi, di niya napigilang mapatayo at pumunta rin ng stage e. At some point, I knew they will miss what they were doing for almost 12 years of their lives. And we, also missed them. Sayang kasi talaga. They're still young and they're great at what they do. And with just that, everything fell apart. It was really really sad. I had a hard time accepting that 'cause all my life(srsly!), I've been used to seeing them perform a lot. They were my idols. I seriously don't know how they do it, they're really really good. And I'm not telling this because they're my brothers/cousins. It's because they really are good. Sobrang proud ako tuwing nakikita ko silang mag-perform. Sabi nga ni Kuya Sonny nun, "Nasa dugo natin yan 'tol". Every Wednesday tumutugtog sila Kuya Jeff dun. Btw, Kuya Jeff is my brother's ex-bandmate and Kuya Amon's high school friend, bestfriend. Sabi nila, dapat daw every Wednesday ganun. Then kami yung Wednesday group. :)) Haha.
I can't wait to see them perform again. I plan to make them perform on my debut next year, if ever possible. I would ultimately love that. :D And at last, kagabi rin! NAKITA KO NA RIN SUMAYAW SI KUYA CARLOS! :)) WAHAHAHA. :)) After the jamming kasi, the band played dance songs. Una, nakaupo pa si kuya dun, then I don't remember sinong humila sa kanya para tumayo, then ayun, napasayaw na rin. OHYE. :)) Hahaha. Ang saya, lahat kami sumasayaw nun. Since walang dance floor, dun sa may table. Haha. Nakahilera kami dun na para bang kami lang yung tao. We went home at around 3 to 4-ish. Sumabay ako kila Kuya Ces since andun si Kuya Carlos, they dropped us off at Quezon Ave. since his car was there, wala kasi siyang kasama mag-drive pauwi so ako na lang. Nag-drive thru pa kami sa jollibee. When we got home, mom and dad was awake. :)) Tapos ayun, nagkwentuhan kami sa kwarto nila while eating. I love those moments, it's priceless. :) These moments are priceless. :)
--
Btw, thanks for all your comments guys. <3 style="font-style: italic;">3 and a half years lang dun, tri-sem kasi. Mag-2nd year na siya e, konti na lang graduate na." And I was telling my mom when we were in the house, "Napalayo naman ako." She said, "Okay lang, kelangan lang maaga gumising." So yeah. YEEE. :D
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I don't know what to do.
At last, they told me.
Lilipat kami ng bahay. Mas malayo, sa Fairview na. Malaki raw. Ang mga kwarto namin malaki, lahat may banyo. May terrace, may mapagpapractice-an ng sayaw, at lahat lahat na. Nung nakita raw ng kuya ko, isa lang raw nasabi niya, mansion.
Dun pala sila pumunta kanina, habang ako naghihintay sa Convergy's para sunduin nila. Galing ako ng TriNoma kanina then my friend dropped me off there. Sabi tumambay muna ako ng Starbucks, pero dahil naisipan kong wag na lang dahil mapapagastos nanaman ako, sa Ministop na lang. Matagal e, kaya naglakad na lang ako pauwi. Tutal kaya ko naman. Akala ko nandun si kuya, pero nalaman kong magkakasama pala silang lahat.
Grabe. Grabe talaga.
Nagsimba kami dahil Palm Sunday. After, we went to Pancake House sa Convergys. There, they told me. At last.
Hindi ko alam bakit hindi nila agad sinabi sa akin. Hindi ko malalaman kung hindi dahil sa kuya ko. Sinabi lang niya na 'wag ko ipaalam kila Mom na sinabi niya sa 'kin. Bakit ayaw nilang ipaalam sa akin? Bakit ayaw nilang malaman ko? Even if malalaman ko rin naman in the long run?
Ganun naman lagi eh. It seems like I don't have any right to know what's happening? Am I not part of the family? Because, really, everyone knows but me! And you know how much that sucks? It sucks big time. And my dad was saying that I am innocent? Grabe. He doesn't know that I know then. I may not know everything that's happening but I am not stupid to not have any clue on what are they doing. They make me look like I'm stupid. I just wanted them to tell me. Everytime I'm there, they're not talking about it. If I'm not there, they talk a lot. It's painful. It feels like they don't want me to grow up. And maybe they thought I would not understand. I will be so disappointed if that will be their reason. I am so disappointed that they think of me that way. Maybe they don't really know me. Grabe.
Now, that's fine with me because they already told me. Even if it took so much time before they told me. Okay the house is big. I've always dreamt of a house big enough for me. I should be happy and be jumping up and down now. But I'm not.
Lilipat rin daw ako ng school. Sobrang nagulat ako dun. Hindi ko alam kung nagbibiro sila o hindi. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang tuloy o hindi. Pero that trigerred me to just blow up and cry right then and there at Pancake House. But I held it back, I don't want them to see me cry and I don't want people to see me cry really hard there. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Gusto nila akong lumipat either UP or Ateneo(my bro said this). Mas okay di ba? Pero hindi eh. Tinanong ako ng dad ko kung matataas daw ba ang grades ko. Tapos mag-inquire din daw kami sa UP about transferring. And other stuff like that. Natulala na lang ako. Wala akong masabi. Maiyak-iyak na ako. Alam kong mas okay, pero... hindi talaga e. Walang MMA dun. Gusto ko sa MMA. I don't want to leave my CSB friends. CSB has been my turf. It's where I am happy and comfortable with. My friends are superb and I am very lucky to have them in my life. Akala ko okay na lahat when I told them na dun ko gusto mag-aral. Akala ko wala nang mangyayaring ganito. But really, life plays with you when you least expect it.
You know, I never imagined myself to be in CSB and taking up MMA then because it's far from where I live. But now that I'm there, I don't want to leave anymore. It's where I now imagined myself to be in for the next 2 or 3 years. Nung nalaman ko yun, parang lahat ng yun, biglang naglaho. It all shattered into pieces. My dreams, my heart, everything. Every little thing I imagined, every dream I had, every bit of myself was just shattered.
Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari 'to, edi sana hindi na ako nag-aral dun dba? Edi sana hindi ko na lang pinaglaban 'to. Sayang naman yung tatlong terms ko. Kung ayaw nila kung nasaan ako, kung ayaw nilang umalis at lumabas ako, kung nahihirapan sila, sabihin nila. Dahil ayoko ring nahihirapan sila dahil sa 'kin. Kaya ko naman e.
Lahat may paraan.
Sabi ko na nga ba dapat kumuha na lang ako ng scholarship noon. Kung dahil sa tuition, dahil alam kong napakamahal talaga at tri-sem pa, may paraan naman para diyan e. Scholarship. Naging open naman ako sa kanila about dyan, sabi nila okay lang. Okay lang na hindi kumuha, okay lang kung kumuha. Kung dahil sa layo, may paraan pa rin, commute! Hindi nila kelangang araw-araw akong ihatid at sunduin sa school. Kasi kakayanin ko namang mag-commute e. They just won't let me kaya iniisip ko rin na hindi ko kaya. I was willing to commute. I was willing to do everything just to be in CSB. Tapos ngayon, ganito? Sana hindi ko na lang talaga pinaglaban. Kasi in the first place, I knew na gusto talaga nila na sa UP ako mag-aral. Pero sorry hindi ako nakapasa. Akala ko kakayanin kong iwan ang CSB para sa UP. Pero hindi e.
Dapat maging masaya ako na malaki na ang lilipatan naming bahay. Pero hindi ako masaya. Aanhin ko ang malaking bahay kung hindi naman ako masaya? Mas mahalaga sa akin kung saan ako masaya. Mas mahalaga sa akin ang pangarap ko. Walang ibang nago-offer ng MMA kundi CSB lang. May APC rin naman pero malayo rin yun. Ganun din. Alam kong maraming alternatives, maraming pwedeng gawin. Pero hindi eh, hindi talaga. Kasi MMA ang gusto ko. Fit na fit sa 'kin yun e. Lahat ng gusto kong gawin nandun. Pwede akong mag-Information Design sa Ateneo, e ano, mas mahal naman ang tuition! Pwede akong mag-CommArts sa UP, pero ayoko ng CommArts. Hindi niyo siguro ako maiintindihan kasi wala kayo sa pwesto ko pero eto nararamdaman ko e.
Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Kasi hindi ko maiwasang isipin na magiging selfish ang dating ko pag ganito, pag sarili ko lang ang iisipin ko. Alam kong nahihirapan sila, pero nahihirapan din ako. Mga kapatid ko ayos lang sa kanila e. Bakit? Kasi graduate na silang lahat! Yung kuya ko, ggraduate na ngayong March. Ako na lang natitira. At lahat naman sila nagwwork sa business namin. Kasi dun nila gusto. Pero may iba akong gusto e, may iba akong pangarap. May iba akong gustong gawin. Hindi ako magaling kumanta o tumugtog ng instrumento, pero mahilig ako sa musika. Hindi ako magaling sa sounds at lighting, pero marunong akong mag-appreciate. Hindi ako katulad nila. I didn't turn out to what they expect and what they want me to be. Because I have my own mind, own dreams, own thinking. Shouldn't they be proud that I know what I want and what I want to be? Shouldn't they be proud that I am capable of deciding for myself?
Sayang e, nandito na ako, aalis pa ako.
So tell me, am I being selfish? If I tell them this, am I being selfish?
A lot of questions are running through my mind. Gusto kong malaman ang mga sagot. Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko ngayon. Nalulungkot ako. Naguguluhan ako.
Anong dahilan? Bakit nangyayari 'to ngayon? Bakit nangyayari 'to? :((
Lilipat kami ng bahay. Mas malayo, sa Fairview na. Malaki raw. Ang mga kwarto namin malaki, lahat may banyo. May terrace, may mapagpapractice-an ng sayaw, at lahat lahat na. Nung nakita raw ng kuya ko, isa lang raw nasabi niya, mansion.
Dun pala sila pumunta kanina, habang ako naghihintay sa Convergy's para sunduin nila. Galing ako ng TriNoma kanina then my friend dropped me off there. Sabi tumambay muna ako ng Starbucks, pero dahil naisipan kong wag na lang dahil mapapagastos nanaman ako, sa Ministop na lang. Matagal e, kaya naglakad na lang ako pauwi. Tutal kaya ko naman. Akala ko nandun si kuya, pero nalaman kong magkakasama pala silang lahat.
Grabe. Grabe talaga.
Nagsimba kami dahil Palm Sunday. After, we went to Pancake House sa Convergys. There, they told me. At last.
Hindi ko alam bakit hindi nila agad sinabi sa akin. Hindi ko malalaman kung hindi dahil sa kuya ko. Sinabi lang niya na 'wag ko ipaalam kila Mom na sinabi niya sa 'kin. Bakit ayaw nilang ipaalam sa akin? Bakit ayaw nilang malaman ko? Even if malalaman ko rin naman in the long run?
Ganun naman lagi eh. It seems like I don't have any right to know what's happening? Am I not part of the family? Because, really, everyone knows but me! And you know how much that sucks? It sucks big time. And my dad was saying that I am innocent? Grabe. He doesn't know that I know then. I may not know everything that's happening but I am not stupid to not have any clue on what are they doing. They make me look like I'm stupid. I just wanted them to tell me. Everytime I'm there, they're not talking about it. If I'm not there, they talk a lot. It's painful. It feels like they don't want me to grow up. And maybe they thought I would not understand. I will be so disappointed if that will be their reason. I am so disappointed that they think of me that way. Maybe they don't really know me. Grabe.
Now, that's fine with me because they already told me. Even if it took so much time before they told me. Okay the house is big. I've always dreamt of a house big enough for me. I should be happy and be jumping up and down now. But I'm not.
Lilipat rin daw ako ng school. Sobrang nagulat ako dun. Hindi ko alam kung nagbibiro sila o hindi. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang tuloy o hindi. Pero that trigerred me to just blow up and cry right then and there at Pancake House. But I held it back, I don't want them to see me cry and I don't want people to see me cry really hard there. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Gusto nila akong lumipat either UP or Ateneo(my bro said this). Mas okay di ba? Pero hindi eh. Tinanong ako ng dad ko kung matataas daw ba ang grades ko. Tapos mag-inquire din daw kami sa UP about transferring. And other stuff like that. Natulala na lang ako. Wala akong masabi. Maiyak-iyak na ako. Alam kong mas okay, pero... hindi talaga e. Walang MMA dun. Gusto ko sa MMA. I don't want to leave my CSB friends. CSB has been my turf. It's where I am happy and comfortable with. My friends are superb and I am very lucky to have them in my life. Akala ko okay na lahat when I told them na dun ko gusto mag-aral. Akala ko wala nang mangyayaring ganito. But really, life plays with you when you least expect it.
You know, I never imagined myself to be in CSB and taking up MMA then because it's far from where I live. But now that I'm there, I don't want to leave anymore. It's where I now imagined myself to be in for the next 2 or 3 years. Nung nalaman ko yun, parang lahat ng yun, biglang naglaho. It all shattered into pieces. My dreams, my heart, everything. Every little thing I imagined, every dream I had, every bit of myself was just shattered.
Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari 'to, edi sana hindi na ako nag-aral dun dba? Edi sana hindi ko na lang pinaglaban 'to. Sayang naman yung tatlong terms ko. Kung ayaw nila kung nasaan ako, kung ayaw nilang umalis at lumabas ako, kung nahihirapan sila, sabihin nila. Dahil ayoko ring nahihirapan sila dahil sa 'kin. Kaya ko naman e.
Lahat may paraan.
Sabi ko na nga ba dapat kumuha na lang ako ng scholarship noon. Kung dahil sa tuition, dahil alam kong napakamahal talaga at tri-sem pa, may paraan naman para diyan e. Scholarship. Naging open naman ako sa kanila about dyan, sabi nila okay lang. Okay lang na hindi kumuha, okay lang kung kumuha. Kung dahil sa layo, may paraan pa rin, commute! Hindi nila kelangang araw-araw akong ihatid at sunduin sa school. Kasi kakayanin ko namang mag-commute e. They just won't let me kaya iniisip ko rin na hindi ko kaya. I was willing to commute. I was willing to do everything just to be in CSB. Tapos ngayon, ganito? Sana hindi ko na lang talaga pinaglaban. Kasi in the first place, I knew na gusto talaga nila na sa UP ako mag-aral. Pero sorry hindi ako nakapasa. Akala ko kakayanin kong iwan ang CSB para sa UP. Pero hindi e.
Dapat maging masaya ako na malaki na ang lilipatan naming bahay. Pero hindi ako masaya. Aanhin ko ang malaking bahay kung hindi naman ako masaya? Mas mahalaga sa akin kung saan ako masaya. Mas mahalaga sa akin ang pangarap ko. Walang ibang nago-offer ng MMA kundi CSB lang. May APC rin naman pero malayo rin yun. Ganun din. Alam kong maraming alternatives, maraming pwedeng gawin. Pero hindi eh, hindi talaga. Kasi MMA ang gusto ko. Fit na fit sa 'kin yun e. Lahat ng gusto kong gawin nandun. Pwede akong mag-Information Design sa Ateneo, e ano, mas mahal naman ang tuition! Pwede akong mag-CommArts sa UP, pero ayoko ng CommArts. Hindi niyo siguro ako maiintindihan kasi wala kayo sa pwesto ko pero eto nararamdaman ko e.
Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Kasi hindi ko maiwasang isipin na magiging selfish ang dating ko pag ganito, pag sarili ko lang ang iisipin ko. Alam kong nahihirapan sila, pero nahihirapan din ako. Mga kapatid ko ayos lang sa kanila e. Bakit? Kasi graduate na silang lahat! Yung kuya ko, ggraduate na ngayong March. Ako na lang natitira. At lahat naman sila nagwwork sa business namin. Kasi dun nila gusto. Pero may iba akong gusto e, may iba akong pangarap. May iba akong gustong gawin. Hindi ako magaling kumanta o tumugtog ng instrumento, pero mahilig ako sa musika. Hindi ako magaling sa sounds at lighting, pero marunong akong mag-appreciate. Hindi ako katulad nila. I didn't turn out to what they expect and what they want me to be. Because I have my own mind, own dreams, own thinking. Shouldn't they be proud that I know what I want and what I want to be? Shouldn't they be proud that I am capable of deciding for myself?
Sayang e, nandito na ako, aalis pa ako.
So tell me, am I being selfish? If I tell them this, am I being selfish?
A lot of questions are running through my mind. Gusto kong malaman ang mga sagot. Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko ngayon. Nalulungkot ako. Naguguluhan ako.
Anong dahilan? Bakit nangyayari 'to ngayon? Bakit nangyayari 'to? :((
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Can I chill for a minute?
March 14, last year high school pa lang ako. Finals namin. Ayon sa aking 2007 planner.
March 15, birthday na pala ni Val ngayon, HAPPY BIRTHDAY VAL! :) Finals pa rin namin.
Fast forward to today..
College ako. Hindi pa namin finals, hindi pa rin magtatapos ang school para sa 'min. Madaming gagawin. Seryoso, sobrang busy these past few days. Actually weeks ago pa sobrang dami nang gagawin. Ngayon ko lang na-realize. Tipong ayoko nang humarap sa computer kasi hindi ko na magagawa yung mga iba kong gustong gawin, like movie marathons, TV watching, kulitan with my family, and stuff like that. Kapag nasa harapan kasi ako ng PC, nagiging anti-social ako. Pag may ginagawa ako dito, super focused talaga. Kaya nasisira mata ko e. Haha. At hindi na ako makatayo sa kinauupuan ko. Swear, ganun. Pero hindi pwedeng hindi akong humarap sa PC. Dahil MMA ang kurso ko at forever computer-related ito. Kelangan ko ring i-check araw-araw ang mail ko, ang online shop namin, ang multiply ko(dahil napag-iiwanan na ako, marami pa rin akong hindi nauupload), ang friendster ko(dahil ayoko naman na late reply sa comments), at ang blog ko.
Buti Friday ngayon, nakanood ako ng TV. Napanood ko ang ending ng Marimar. Grabe yun oh, pinagkagastusan talaga. Ang pretty talaga ni Marian Rivera. Haha. Anywayyyy, nagpunta ako dito sa PC para i-edit yung remaining pics nung batchmate ko dati na debut sa 28th. Para wala nang dagdag pproblemahin. Ma-stress pa ako e. LOLz. Pero hindi ko pa rin siya ginagawa. Uh-oh. Dapat kasi natutulog na rin ako ngayon. Kasi maaga pa ako bukas dahil may practice kami for our P.E. Dance on Monday na Tango. And magppractice na rin kami for our Finals which is HIPHOP! Ohyea! I so missed dancing this kaya sobrang natuwa ako nung nalaman kong yan ang finals namin! Hehe. Tapos after the practice, we're gonna continue the shoot for Jamila's debut. This time, video naman. For the last few weeks kasi, puro photoshoots. So video na gagawin namin ngayon. Then yung classmate namin nung high school said na baka may celebration yung kaklase namin ng birthday niya. Di pa namin alam kung meron.
Then on Sunday, my barkada and I will have another bonding moment at TriNoma. We're gonna watch Step up 2, lunch then ayun. We planned on having this every month just to keep in touch. But I said hanggang 4pm lang siguro kasi Palm Sunday at syempre magsisimba kami dba.
Aside from that, meron pang PHILOMA(Philosophy of Man) project na is-shoot, FILIP13(Retorika) song adaption(lol, we chose With You by Chris Brown, my blockmate already made the lyrics), Business Math quizzes to worry about, World Literature classes(pinoproblema namin ang mga stories at poems, oo. haha), COMSK2x(Technical Literature) multimedia resume and project proposal, and uh.. yeah. I think that's pretty much it. It's a lot, I tell you. Plus the Course Approval thingy pa pala! Di pa approved yung enlisted subjects ko kahit na napasa ko na yung requirements sa academic adviser ko. Oh well. Tapos ano pa ba.. basta, yan. Hectic. So, sorry if hindi ako nakakadalaw sa mga blogs niyo. Malapit na rin ang end ng classes(yeah like April 19) so busy talaga. Pero I'm not stressing YET. I hope I won't! Oh well.
I guess all of us are busy. Some update lang. Naaliw ako sa journal na ginawa namin for Filipino for almost a week, everyday! Ayos din pala ang may entry araw-araw. Pero siguro for myself lang? Haha. Wala lang, baka ma-trip-an ko sometime. Good thing there's the Holy Week break! almost 4 days of break. Pero marami pa rin akong gagawin kahit break. Like go to church, celebrate the Holy week and academic stuff. Yeah.
good luck sa 'ting lahat. :) random stuff lang. thanks for those who dropped by! :)
March 15, birthday na pala ni Val ngayon, HAPPY BIRTHDAY VAL! :) Finals pa rin namin.
Fast forward to today..
College ako. Hindi pa namin finals, hindi pa rin magtatapos ang school para sa 'min. Madaming gagawin. Seryoso, sobrang busy these past few days. Actually weeks ago pa sobrang dami nang gagawin. Ngayon ko lang na-realize. Tipong ayoko nang humarap sa computer kasi hindi ko na magagawa yung mga iba kong gustong gawin, like movie marathons, TV watching, kulitan with my family, and stuff like that. Kapag nasa harapan kasi ako ng PC, nagiging anti-social ako. Pag may ginagawa ako dito, super focused talaga. Kaya nasisira mata ko e. Haha. At hindi na ako makatayo sa kinauupuan ko. Swear, ganun. Pero hindi pwedeng hindi akong humarap sa PC. Dahil MMA ang kurso ko at forever computer-related ito. Kelangan ko ring i-check araw-araw ang mail ko, ang online shop namin, ang multiply ko(dahil napag-iiwanan na ako, marami pa rin akong hindi nauupload), ang friendster ko(dahil ayoko naman na late reply sa comments), at ang blog ko.
Buti Friday ngayon, nakanood ako ng TV. Napanood ko ang ending ng Marimar. Grabe yun oh, pinagkagastusan talaga. Ang pretty talaga ni Marian Rivera. Haha. Anywayyyy, nagpunta ako dito sa PC para i-edit yung remaining pics nung batchmate ko dati na debut sa 28th. Para wala nang dagdag pproblemahin. Ma-stress pa ako e. LOLz. Pero hindi ko pa rin siya ginagawa. Uh-oh. Dapat kasi natutulog na rin ako ngayon. Kasi maaga pa ako bukas dahil may practice kami for our P.E. Dance on Monday na Tango. And magppractice na rin kami for our Finals which is HIPHOP! Ohyea! I so missed dancing this kaya sobrang natuwa ako nung nalaman kong yan ang finals namin! Hehe. Tapos after the practice, we're gonna continue the shoot for Jamila's debut. This time, video naman. For the last few weeks kasi, puro photoshoots. So video na gagawin namin ngayon. Then yung classmate namin nung high school said na baka may celebration yung kaklase namin ng birthday niya. Di pa namin alam kung meron.
Then on Sunday, my barkada and I will have another bonding moment at TriNoma. We're gonna watch Step up 2, lunch then ayun. We planned on having this every month just to keep in touch. But I said hanggang 4pm lang siguro kasi Palm Sunday at syempre magsisimba kami dba.
Aside from that, meron pang PHILOMA(Philosophy of Man) project na is-shoot, FILIP13(Retorika) song adaption(lol, we chose With You by Chris Brown, my blockmate already made the lyrics), Business Math quizzes to worry about, World Literature classes(pinoproblema namin ang mga stories at poems, oo. haha), COMSK2x(Technical Literature) multimedia resume and project proposal, and uh.. yeah. I think that's pretty much it. It's a lot, I tell you. Plus the Course Approval thingy pa pala! Di pa approved yung enlisted subjects ko kahit na napasa ko na yung requirements sa academic adviser ko. Oh well. Tapos ano pa ba.. basta, yan. Hectic. So, sorry if hindi ako nakakadalaw sa mga blogs niyo. Malapit na rin ang end ng classes(yeah like April 19) so busy talaga. Pero I'm not stressing YET. I hope I won't! Oh well.
I guess all of us are busy. Some update lang. Naaliw ako sa journal na ginawa namin for Filipino for almost a week, everyday! Ayos din pala ang may entry araw-araw. Pero siguro for myself lang? Haha. Wala lang, baka ma-trip-an ko sometime. Good thing there's the Holy Week break! almost 4 days of break. Pero marami pa rin akong gagawin kahit break. Like go to church, celebrate the Holy week and academic stuff. Yeah.
good luck sa 'ting lahat. :) random stuff lang. thanks for those who dropped by! :)
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Being tagged means blog post.
Why oh why am I posting this? Well because I have been tagged by three people. Actually, by four people but it has the same survey as the other so.. well anyway. LOLz. I guess it's enough reason for me to well "update" my blog. Haha.
TAG # 1: from Frances and Mhaye.
This is the easy way and the fastest way to :
1. Make your Technorati authority explode.
2. Increase your Google Page Rank.
3. Get more traffic to your blog.
4. Makes more new friends.
Rules :
1. Start copy from “Begin Copy” until “End Copy” to your blog.
2. Put your own blog name and link.
3. Tag your friends as much as you can.
1. Picturing of Life
2. La Place de Cherie
3. Chez Francine
4. Le bric a brac de Cherie
5. Jenn
6. Princess-I
7. Princess-II
8.life-abroad
9.Darling
10.bestfriend's
11.pinayLoveStories
12.USA-wifey
13.Allen's sweetheart
14. Nicotine's world of Fun
15. I've Been Sleeping With the Clouds Above My Head.
16. Bitterstars and butterhearts
I tag: Kim, Renz, Athina and Apple. :D
TAG #2: from Precious.
You reached 331 points, so you achieved position 83242 of 912714 on the ranking list. [Oh yea. Haha.]
76 wordsBragging aside, I really am a fast typer. Even if my keyboard's letters can rarely be seen, I still know what letter it is. Lol.
I want to try it again. 2nd round.
You reached 349 points, so you achieved position 59276 of 912795 on the ranking list.
84 words
At least, it's higher. LOL. I had one wrong word on both tests. Grr. Anyway, it's okay. Hehe.
I tag: Renz, Kim, and Frances. :)
Tag # 3: from Kim.
*i still don't know how i'm going to get the tag from Kim. Hahaha. Tinatamad ako i-type lahat. Lol. Anyway, sa sunod na lang. :)*
TAG # 1: from Frances and Mhaye.
This is the easy way and the fastest way to :
1. Make your Technorati authority explode.
2. Increase your Google Page Rank.
3. Get more traffic to your blog.
4. Makes more new friends.
Rules :
1. Start copy from “Begin Copy” until “End Copy” to your blog.
2. Put your own blog name and link.
3. Tag your friends as much as you can.
1. Picturing of Life
2. La Place de Cherie
3. Chez Francine
4. Le bric a brac de Cherie
5. Jenn
6. Princess-I
7. Princess-II
8.life-abroad
9.Darling
10.bestfriend's
11.pinayLoveStories
12.USA-wifey
13.Allen's sweetheart
14. Nicotine's world of Fun
15. I've Been Sleeping With the Clouds Above My Head.
16. Bitterstars and butterhearts
I tag: Kim, Renz, Athina and Apple. :D
TAG #2: from Precious.
You reached 331 points, so you achieved position 83242 of 912714 on the ranking list. [Oh yea. Haha.]
76 wordsBragging aside, I really am a fast typer. Even if my keyboard's letters can rarely be seen, I still know what letter it is. Lol.
I want to try it again. 2nd round.
You reached 349 points, so you achieved position 59276 of 912795 on the ranking list.
84 words
At least, it's higher. LOL. I had one wrong word on both tests. Grr. Anyway, it's okay. Hehe.
I tag: Renz, Kim, and Frances. :)
Tag # 3: from Kim.
*i still don't know how i'm going to get the tag from Kim. Hahaha. Tinatamad ako i-type lahat. Lol. Anyway, sa sunod na lang. :)*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)