You know what sucks?

K so I haven't really posted a real update for the past uh, weeks. I wasn't planning to blog tonight but I just have to rant this thing I have been thinking of since last week. It just got into me though it often happens to us for the longest time.

So before that, I'm going to excuse myself for not being able to blog. Although this won't really be a valid one since my schoolmates have been able to update theirs no matter how busy it is in school these days. It's not THAT busy though, I just like to be 'busy'. :)) But forealz, it's August now and all the workload has been dumped into us by our professors, and they're not even our design/major profs! Okay, maybe I'm just lazy. And whenever I thought of updating, I'm not able to do it since I'm being distracted by either Plurk or the Twilight updates. Soyeah.

I'm gonna talk about my life these days. Seriously I've never felt this scared. Like everyday, you're scared of something, like something is going to happen terrible. Almost every single freakin' day, I'm scared that I almost would not want to live the day but I have to. There's this voice inside me that says I have to get through the day, that I should. It's not suicidal okay? :)) It's just like I want to escape the everyday stresses and fears I'm experiencing. One reason for that is ORALCOM. I hate public speaking. I obviously am not confident with myself. I know it's those kind of things I have to improve but fear just gets in the way. Main reason why I have these quotes written on my Starbucks Planner, "Don't ever let fear hold you back." and "Why worry if you can pray?", so I won't get so scared and worry so much anymore. I wasn't having this problem back in high school, maybe a little bit, but not this kind of fear. Back in high school, we were trained to speak in front a lot during our Speech Laboratory classes and we were so used to it that it helped me gain my confidence. Back in senior year, I had to speak in front of the whole school body and deliver my speech during our Student Council Miting De Avance and didn't have any problem with that. I feel like my self-confidence has decreased to a depressing level. And I don't like that, it makes me feel frustrated about myself.

Second is that... well, *can't think of any other reason*, OHYEAH, P.E.! :)) Just because I don't know anyone there. Though I'm getting better with talking to people in that class and I now have people to play table tennis with. So I'm kind of okay with that now. *insert dancing banana here*

K next. It's August now.. which means, last month of the term; finals; more plates; projects; more projects; and of course, BREAKING DAWN RELEASE! So that last one makes my August bearable. *dancing banana* I told you above that our prof dumped us bunch of workloads, specifically our PHILIEN(Philippine Literature in English) professor. We have to make a scrapbook consisting of the things we treasure most and a comics interpreting Bringing the Dolls, and it's all due on Tuesday! We also need to create a magazine about ourselves(I think) for the finals. Talk about expenses. I'm broke, you know. I just spent my savings on buying a new optical mouse and a 1GB DDR2 RAM for my PC. I don't regret buying it though, why of course why would I? It made my computer perform faster! *dancing banana again* And I wouldn't have to lag so much when AVG scans my computer, just like what it's doing now, and I'm not lagging unlike before *annoyed emoticon from plurk*. Also, I wouldn't have to deal with my old mouse. You know the mouse with the ball? LMAO.

Add to the school works are my DESPRIN plates, HARTDS1 Finals exhibit(on which I have to make a product that's wearable or we can use and it should be inspired by an art era like the Egyptian or Christian art, etc. Any ideas? :D), ORALCOM speeches(oh no for impromptu speeches!), and uhm, yeah I think that's it. Ohyeah, BASICOM! BASICOM company website and our defense! Mannn. With all that, I think I have to go now to finish my plate but I haven't gotten to the main point of this post yet.

I've posted this on Plurk. I hate being compared. I hate being misunderstood. I hate being underestimated. I know it's one way of driving someone to do better. You know, I'm really trying hard to do better and I think I'm successful in doing so. This is most likely to be such a teenage angst but I don't think they appreciate it all. Well maybe they do, but I don't feel it. It's when I do things that aren't acceptable that they notice. It's not that I do much of that but it's mostly the mistakes, you know? It sucks. Especially being underestimated, like I can't do this and I don't know this when in fact I actually do. It makes me feel so less of myself. Like they make me feel I'm stupid. I know I have to wake up early and mostly my fault why I'm always late, yes okay, but I'm so sleep deprived that I'm not able to do so. I often stay up late cos I'm doing something school-related. I'm often in front of the computer cos that's what my course requires. I know they're just concerned about me. But I think they have to understand my side too. Which I cannot make them understand cos I can't say anything to them. I don't want to argue with them anymore so I just keep my mouth shut.

Sucks that way. You know, I really have the drive to prove to them that I will be someone someday. I just need them to believe in me. And I don't feel that they do. *tears*